


Broken

by AFangirlFantasy



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bad Boy Harry, Blow Jobs, Bottom Harry, Cutting, Football Player Louis, Football | Soccer, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, High School, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, M/M, Punk Harry, Sexual Abuse, Single Parents, Smut, Teen Angst, Teenage One Direction, Top Louis, abusive teacher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 19:55:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 65,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2081103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFangirlFantasy/pseuds/AFangirlFantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis: the soccer captain, the wealthy kid, Mr. Popularity. Harry: the outsider. While these two seem to be anything but alike, they find that below the surface there is more than meets the eye. As their worlds collide, they come to find that they both have demons too big to keep at bay. Just when they think there is no hope left in this world, and they are mentally and physically too broken to love, they find something in each other they never realized they needed. But is love enough to save them from themselves? </p>
<p>"I'm broken, Harry. Physically. Mentally. Why would anyone want to be with someone like me?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End

**Author's Note:**

> **** Just a heads up- This was the first fic I ever wrote so there are some things about it that I would definitely change now, but I am just too lazy to do it! Haha, sorry! I still love this story and all, but it's just a warning cause this was my first so some stuff isn't that great!**
> 
> Here is the trailer for "Broken" on Youtube!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujISG1MFcdI
> 
> **Forewarning, there is self harm implied but never fully mentioned or talked about.  
> *** If you guys want to check out my tumblr or if you're interested in asking me anything, here is my link!  
> http://afangirlfantasy.tumblr.com/

Prologue:  
Have you ever met that person that changed your life, for better or for worse? And no matter what you tried to do to keep away from them, you could not control the magnetic energy pulling you two towards one another? I didn't believe that stuff was true. That people could just come into your life and suddenly there were rainbows and butterflies…and happiness. But I hadn't met him yet. I didn't know that someone like him could exist, and therefore I couldn't believe that love could exist. 

Not that there’s always only one person you will love for the rest of your life, but there’s always that one person that you’ll remember in a way you won’t remember anyone else. There’s always that one person that sticks out amongst everything else in the back of your mind, and even after they are no longer in your life, you can’t push them deep enough inside your mind to keep you from remembering them. There’s always that one person that you loved with everything you could possibly find, and when it was over, you lost all that you were because without them you realized you were nothing. That’s what he is to me. He’s like a piece of paper sticking out above the rest, and I can’t push him back into the locked up folder of my mind. But he’s gone now, and therefore so am I.


	2. The Beginning

School sucks. It always sucks. I’ll never understand why we have to sit here, day by day, learning the same pointless shit over and over again. They don’t teach us anything valuable, relevant. Why don’t they spend time telling us something important instead of shit from the fifteen hundreds that we’ll never need to know again? “History repeats itself.” That’s the lesson they want us to learn. That we should learn from past mistakes and go forward a wiser generation, person. Well that’s fucking shit. It’s all shit. 

I bite my lip harder in class. I redraw over doodles, darkening lines of scribbles in my notebook. Instead of taking notes I think of all the things I’d rather be doing. Writing. Singing. I’d much rather be home right now making music then sitting in class. My teacher finishes her lesson on some explorer and I close my notebook, waiting for the bell to ring, signaling that class is over. Ring. Well that was fast. I quickly stand up from my desk, trying to be the first one out as usual, when someone coming from behind shoves into my shoulder. The force of their body shoves me off to the side and my notebook on to the floor. 

“Out of my way.”

Fuck. Louis. He’s shorter than me but he’s muscular so he’s strong. He and his two followers stomp past me, although not forgetting to give me their most gruesome stare. A bunch of stupid athletes honestly. They may be popular, but what’s popularity going to do for those guys once school’s over? Nothing. Assholes don’t get far in life. They’ll see. I gather my notebook and start heading out of the classroom again. 

“Oh Harry, wait for a second please.” 

My teacher calls me over.

“Yeah?”

“Look, I know that history isn’t the most entertaining subject for some people, but can you at least pretend to be enjoying my class? You’re doodling is distracting some of the other students around you.”

“Oh, sorry.” 

Ms. Cleary is young and pretty. Probably around twenty-six with brown hair that falls a little past her shoulders and light brown eyes. Some of the other guys make hushed comments about her but I get more of an older sister vibe from her than sexual attraction. Even though she’s always trying to sound slightly mean, she’s really not. She lets me slack off a lot more than I should probably be allowed. 

“Also, Harry. I know I’ve talked to you about this before, but I have to warn you that if you wear eyeliner again the principle may suspend you. It’s against the rules.”

While she’s reprimanding me she’s looking past my shoulder and outside of her door. I turn my gaze away for a second to see where she is looking, to find one of the other older male teachers peering in from the hallway. She waits until he gives her a nod and then walks by. Then she starts again, but in a whisper.

“I’m sorry I said that to you but other members of the staff have been giving me crap for not being harder on my students. I like you Harry, I know you’re a good kid. But in all seriousness, the principle really does have a problem with the make-up. I hope you know that if it were up to me it’d be no issue, I’m all for self-expression. But I’m not the principle and I don’t make the rules. I just follow them.”

“I understand.”

She gives me a concerned face and then a half smile. Like she wants it to seem things are okay even though we both know they’re not. 

“Okay, you can head out now. Sorry for keeping you so long.”

“Okay.”

I start to head out of the door as she calls out to me again. I turn around to give her my attention. 

“And Harry?”

“Yes?”

“I hope you know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

I give her a nod and then I walk out. As I enter the hallway, the teacher that had been peering in the room before, is standing outside a classroom, giving me a once over. Most of the teachers just pretend I don’t exist, others give me looks as if I’ve committed murder. Yeah, I wear black eye-liner. I’m not a woman. Men have worn it before, in movies, in bands, on stage, and those guys are considered hot and cool. But if I’m the one wearing it, I’m an outcast, a weirdo, confused. People care too much about what other people do. Why can’t everyone just mind their own business? 

I spend the rest of the day as I typically spend my days. Alone. When I was younger I had friends, I was never the popular kid but I wasn’t ostracized either. But those led to dark times and I don’t like to think about them too much. I keep them buried with the rest of the bullshit in the back of my mind, and lock it away. Not worth dwelling over the past. What’s done is done. 

When school is over I walk home as usual. My house is only ten minutes away so there’s no need to take the bus, and my mom has no money to fund for a car, so walking is my only option. I don’t mind it though, it’s probably the better part of my days. Finally getting some fresh air and peace, no one around to annoy me… it’s just me and my thoughts. My house isn’t that run down, but I wouldn’t really call it nice. It needs attention, it shows we’re struggling, but it doesn’t quite say we’re poor. Not yet at least.

The white paint has been chipping for some time now off the outside of the paneling, and the black shutters are slanted, but nothing’s broken. So for now we’re okay. I unlock the front door and enter into the living room. Past the cluttered couch is the kitchen, opposite the living room is the dining room and in the living room are the stairs to the second level. My Mom’s out working one of her three jobs, and she won’t be around until two or three in the morning. My Dad’s been gone for a while, I see him once in a blue moon. He doesn’t like the person I’ve become. 

I go into my room on the upper level and grab my guitar. Almost immediately I start strumming away and writing more lyrics to songs I hope to produce one day. This is my dream. To be an artist, to have other people listen to my music and relate to me and understand me. I’ve got one more year left at high school and then that’s it. There’s no college in my future so I have to figure out what the next step is. Probably moving out, maybe to California or New York City. Somewhere other than small town, USA. 

In the middle of my jamming I hear yelling outside my window. I look out to see the soccer team running in a straight line down my street. It must be that time of year again. Even though soccer season is in the fall, our school and a rival school do an annual charity event at the end of April where our two soccer teams compete and all the proceeds of the day go to some chosen foundation. Whichever team wins gets to be the ones who donate the money. It’s for a good cause and everyone from our town and the rival town come out to see the game, but for our soccer team, it’s the most important thing all year. They’ve lost sight in the point of it, and have just become concerned with winning to boast about winning. 

It’s only just become March but the team is already out there in their winter work out gear and training. This year Louis is captain, he’s the one that was screaming just now. He’s at the head of the line, yelling at the other teammates to keep up and stay focused. I stare at him, at his facial scruff, at his face. What does he have that I don’t have? What makes him so popular? It’s not his attitude that’s for sure. 

I peer away from the window and turn to look in my full length mirror. My slightly curly brown hair is a little long, my green eyes are bold with the eyeliner but maybe they’re too intimidating? I’m tall, that’s usually a plus isn’t it? But I’m wearing a green plaid shirt with a white graphic t-shirt underneath, and black skinny jeans. That’s not normal. Not for seventeen year old guys in high school. Maybe if I was in a band it would be cool. Or maybe if I had a better smile, mine’s crooked, and my body is alright but it’s nothing special. I stare in the mirror longer, paying close attention to all my flaws. I shouldn’t care about any of this. I shouldn’t care about how I look. I shouldn’t care what people think of me. 

The longer I stare, the more I start to hate myself. Why did I have to be this way? Why couldn’t I be normal? Why can’t I be a guy like Louis? Why do I have to be so fucking different from everyone else? Fuck! The anger is boiling at my skin and without thinking I lunge toward my mirror and punch a hole into it! Fuck fuck fuck! The pain is instant. Broken pieces everywhere, glass shards in the cuts on my hand, I’m bleeding. Fuck! What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I walk to the bathroom and start running water from the sink over my hand. It stings and burns like hell but after the first few seconds I get used to. Once it starts numbing it almost feels good. I wrap a towel over my hand and go back to my room. While I wait for the cuts to close and the bleeding to stop, I go on to my computer. For an hour I look at stupid videos before I realize how hungry I am. My hand seems okay so I get up from my desk and go down to the kitchen to make a sandwich. There’s isn’t much in the fridge. Enough to keep me satisfied but not enough to make me full. I make a measly sandwich and leave enough sliced turkey left for my Mom in case she comes back hungry, then I grab a banana to eat also and run back up to my room. 

For a split second I consider doing homework and then I laugh and shake my head. What kind of joke is that? Yesterday I bought a lip ring and tonight I’ve been really anxious to put it on. I’ve wanted one for a while but I don’t have any money to go and actually get it done, so I bought the ring for like five dollars and decided to just pierce it myself. I grab the hoop and go to the bathroom to look at the mirror in there since I haven’t broken that one yet. Once I have a good position on where I want it, I tense my muscles, and shove the ring forward.

“FUCK!”

It hurts. But then I look at myself in the mirror. It’s exactly what I wanted. And after the initial pinch, the pain is starting to feel good. A tingling sensation spreads across my face and all the pain starts to numb away. I keep licking over the spot, feeling the new attachment to my body. I’m hyper aware that it’s there right now but I’m sure I won’t even be able to sense it tomorrow. I stare longer and longer, hoping that I could just like the way I look, but I still hate myself. It’s never going to change. I sigh and then head back to my room and decide to go to bed. Even though it’s early I’m really tired and today isn’t worth being up for anymore. I lay down in my covers and shut my eyes.

One day, this town and everyone in it will just be some fading memories to me. I’ll be off to better things, with better people who will accept me for who I am. And people like Louis, won’t ever even be a thought to me. Someday everything is going to be alright, and I won’t have to fear my demons anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

“Take it out, or you’re out.”

“I’m not taking it out. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.”

“Fine! Then you’re suspended! For two weeks! Now out of my office!”

The principal is a fucking asshole. Why does he have something against me? It’s a fucking piercing, not a knife! I didn’t try to hurt anyone today; I literally walked into school, got to my first class, and got called down to his office. I said nothing to no one and I kept to myself. There are no rules for this shit he’s just a douchebag. I storm out of his office but before I leave his waiting area, his secretary calls out to me.

“Oh sir! Sir, wait! Can you come here a second?”

I walk back over to her desk despite wanting to run the opposite direction.

“I have been trying to reach your mother for the past ten minutes to inform her that she needs to come pick you up, but she hasn’t been answering my calls. I can’t let you leave unless she is here to sign you out.”

“She’s working. She won’t answer your call no matter how many times you dial.”

“Well then I’m afraid you’re going to have to stay here until schools over.”

“But it’s still first period!” 

“I understand that, but no mother, no leaving. That’s the rule.”

“Fuck the rules!”

I didn’t mean to take my anger out on this woman, she wasn’t trying to be mean to me. But in my defense I was already mad. However, her expression changed dramatically and she did not look pleased at all. 

“Sir you have three seconds to sit down in that chair across from me or I am going to have to send you back into the principal’s office and have him extend your suspension to a month if not longer. Which could potentially put you into summer school!”

I sat down angrily and I kept letting out deep breaths. This isn’t my fault. None of this is my fault. I don’t understand why people hate me so much. I’ve done nothing! I wait in the chair for around an hour, avoiding the angry glances I get from the woman every ten minutes or so. Eventually, the male teacher that I saw yesterday comes into the office.  
“Mrs. Peters, I have been ordered to take that young man to my room.”

He points to me aggressively and even though there’s no reason for it, he’s talking like he’s in the army. The woman waves her hands and turns back to her computer screen. I stand up and follow the teacher out of the office and down the hallway by Ms. Cleary’s room where I saw him before. He’s a little shorter than me but very built. Buzz cut brown hair like the army but older, maybe almost forties. He seems too aggressive to be a teacher. Once inside the classroom I see that there are about four other kids inside. He points to a seat right up by his desk that he obviously wants me to sit at. I don’t have it in me anymore to argue so I comply with his demand. Once I sit down he talks specifically to me, but out loud to the other students as well. 

“This is the in-school-suspension room and I am Mr. Marks. Inside this classroom you obey every command I give you. You respect me. You are all in here because you got in trouble, this room is your punishment. Do not argue with me, do not bother me. I am not going to go easy on any of you if you piss me off. Is that understood?”

I shake my head at him. He stares just longer than feels comfortable and so I look down at my desk. I don’t have any work to do, so for the rest of the school day I sit and do nothing. We were allowed to get up once when we were sent to the cafeteria to get lunch. But we had to come back to the room to eat our food. So I guess that’s all it takes to be in prison. Some eyeliner and a lip ring. Who knew I was so hardcore?

When the bell rings signaling that school is over, Mr. Marks comes over and stands uncomfortably close to my desk as I go to stand up. I want to take a step back but I’m afraid he might see it as a sign of disobedience or weakness, and I don’t want either. So I stand tall, inches from his face. 

“I know your type. You come in here thinking you’re so tough because you’re different. You think you’re better than everyone else, is that it? I hate people like that. It makes me pissed to see some little punk shit like you, coming in and thinking that you deserve some kind of special treatment. You might think that you can sweet talk your way with Ms. Cleary but I know better. You’re not pulling that shit with me, you hear?”

His accusations hit me. Like a giant sucker punch to the chest, they knock the wind out of my lungs. 

“You’re right. I’m a punk little shit who thinks he deserves better. I’m so impressed that you figured me out. Should I say thank you for showing me the light?”

Sarcasm is typically used to make someone laugh but he did not find amusement in my words. Before I could even take another breath he grabs me by my throat and lurches me around and up against the chalkboard. His fingers squeeze tightly around my neck and his face is now even closer, a mere centimeter a part. I’m choking but I can’t do anything. I’m not strong enough to attack him back or break free, and if I did do anything, it could end up worse for me. 

“Do you think you’re funny? Huh? You’re just a little bitch. I can fucking tear you a part. Don’t mess with me.”

His squeezed really tight and then he threw me off to the side. Stumbling to get my balance and to breathe, I ran out of the room before he could grab me or say another word. That guy is fucking psycho! This can’t be real. That did not just happen! My throat feels swollen where his fingers just were and I leave the school and hurry back to my house before anyone else can see me. Fuck this place! Fuck the school and everyone in it! My desire to go back and to hit him was an all-time high. But I am already on everyone’s shit list today, I don’t need to start anything more. Instead, while on my way to my house I punch into a tree to let out my anger. Stupidly my plan back fires and I only just hurt myself more in the end. FUCK!

* * * *

My Mom doesn’t know that I’ve been suspended, and I doubt she’ll find out. She comes home and then wakes up and heads back out to work by nine a.m. If she hasn’t noticed that I haven’t left yet, she won’t notice ever. I wake up around twelve today. I’m just in some dark blue sweatpants, no shirt or eyeliner for that matter. Lip ring still on though, so I guess according to the principal that counts as something.

I play around with some chords on my guitar for some time, spend some more writing thoughts down, lines that I like, lyrics that sound good. I write a couple hate songs about that teacher but I don’t feel any better afterwards. Two o’clock hits and I decide to take a break and head down to the living room to watch some TV. Not that there’s ever anything interesting on. 

Knock. Knock. 

Someone’s at the door? I walk to the front door and look through the peephole. Too bad it’s dirty and I can’t see shit. I don’t really have proper clothes on but I open the front door anyways. Who I see on the other side almost knocks me over with surprise. 

“You’re Harry, right?”

Louis.

“Yeah.”

He’s wearing jeans, a light blue sweater, a black beanie, black jacket and white converse sneakers. 

“Right. Well somehow I got nominated to bring you all your work while you’re suspended, so here you go.”

He hands me a pile of papers. Our hands touch on accident but neither of us make note of it. 

“Thanks.”

“Alright. I’ll be here about everyday this time I guess until you come back to school, just so you know.”

“Okay.”

“Are you okay?”

He had been staring at me curiously, but I didn’t think he was questioning my sanity.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re neck.”

He points to my neck and then talks again.

“It’s all bruised. It literally looks like you’ve been choked.”

Fuck. I forgot about the fact that there might be marks. I can’t believe it’s that noticeable.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just got tangled up in my sheets too tightly. Didn’t realize it left a mark.”

Seriously? Of all the excuses I could have managed that was the one I chose? My sheets? Fuck that’s obvious.

“Oh, right. Well, I’ve got to go. See ya.”

“Bye.”

He walks down to my driveway where his black jeep is sitting. I watch him drive off and then I head back up to my room. I throw the pile of homework on my desk and then I go to my bathroom to look in the mirror. The bruises are bad. Black and purple all over, but if I wear something with a collar I think I can hide it. Not that I’m planning on seeing to many other people in the near future.

* * * *

Louis kept his word and around two o’clock the next day, my doorbell rang and he was waiting. 

“Hi again.”

“Hi.”

This time I at least put on a shirt with my sweatpants, while he was wearing practically the same outfit except for some graphic shirt under his jacket and no beanie today.   
“Here are your papers.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

I didn’t want him to just leave again so I tried to extend the conversation out by asking a random question.

“So, how’s soccer practice going?”

“Alright. How’d you know we were practicing?”

“You guys run by my house.”

“Oh yeah. It’s alright. The team’s really lagging right now but I’m captain for a reason. Got to get them into shape or no one will.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t peg you for a fan of soccer.”

“I played when I was younger but you’re right. I’m not that into it. I prefer my guitar.”

“Oh cool. By the way, do you have any of the work from yesterday finished yet?”

“No why?”

“Well some of the teacher’s want you to hand your finished work back to me instead of waiting until your back from your suspension.”

“I’m gonna give you a heads up, I’m not doing any of that work.”

It seemed like our small talk was going well but with what I said last, it was as if I offended him. I didn’t even say it in a mean way, I was trying to say it jokingly even, although I was being completely serious.

“Why?”

“I just don’t do work.”

His face looks shocked by what I’m saying and once again offended. As if I had just said something rude about him personally.

“Look, if you’re not going to do the work, then why should I be taking time out of my day to bring it to you?”

“I didn’t ask you to.”

Silence. He stares at me for a bit and then he straightens his back to appear taller. He’s really pissed off now. 

“You’re right. Fuck this!”

He stormed off and drove away fast. I wasn’t really sure what had just happened. I didn’t try to deliberately hurt his feelings. I mean I get where he is coming from, but he was told to bring that stuff to me, I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it. I made a sandwich for dinner again and then I went up to my room. 

Even though I didn’t really want to, I ended up sitting down at my desk and doing all my work. Mainly out of boredom. But a little part of me felt bad for earlier. My Mom got home at twelve tonight, which is early for her. She passed out on the couch without saying anything to me and honestly I’ve forgotten the last time we’ve had a conversation. I head back upstairs after checking on her and leaving a glass of water by her on the table, and then go to bed.

* * * *

Louis showed up the next day which was really surprising to me. I was sure he wasn’t going to come back here again.

Knock. Knock.

“Hi.”

I answer the door and he is looking at the ground. 

“Look, I was forced to come back. I’m going to have to do this whether I want to or not. So here is another pile of shit you won’t do.”

He hands the papers to me and is about to turn away before I say something.

“Actually, I did my work. So if you want to come inside for a second, I can run up and grab it for you to bring back.”

“Oh. Alright.”

He follows behind me into my house. I can see him looking around but I don’t care. I’m not ashamed of where I live. I leave him waiting in the living room as I run up to my room and get my pile of work. Then I rush back down stairs and hand it to him as I open my mouth to apologize.

“I didn’t mean to be an ass yesterday. Sorry.”

He grabs the papers and looks at me. His blue eyes staring right into me. My body tenses.

“It’s alright. I snapped too. You really did all of this last night?”

“Yeah. I was bored.”

“So do you just not do your work to be cool, or what?”

“I’m smart. It may not seem like it but I am. I don’t try and I still get a’s. I just don’t like doing work because it’s boring to me. Time consuming. I could be spending my time doing better things.”

“We all could. I don’t enjoy sitting down and doing my work either but I don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Look I wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of it. It’s just how I am.”

“You know, I’ve gone to school with you since I moved here freshmen year, and I don’t think I’ve said more than two words to you.”

“Yeah well people don’t like me, that’s how it’s always been.”

“You don’t seem that bad to me.”

It’s silent for a little after he says it and I’m not sure if he’s trying to compliment me or mock me. But I talk again to avoid the awkwardness.

“Maybe it’s the eyeliner.”

We both slightly laugh.

“No, I think it’s cool. I didn’t recognize you without it, but either way, you are who you are.”

“Yeah, and same about you.”

“No, I think I’m still trying to figure out who I am.”

The silence starts to swell in again but he talks before it can suffocate.

“Well I better get going. I got practice to get to, so see you tomorrow!”

“Alright, bye.”

I closed the door behind him, and watched him drive away. I sat for a while on the couch in the living room, trying to think about what’s been happening. Is it possible that Louis and I actually just had a normal conversation? That there’s a chance that we could become friends? That sounds weird. But really, of all people it’s just surprising. I mean I know one conversation doesn’t mean much but I have barely had any normal conversations with anyone in a while. It probably doesn’t mean anything to him, but it actually means something to me. 

I go up to my room and play around with the guitar for a while and then I work on my homework. I head to bed when I’m done and am glad that at least this suspension isn’t the most boring and worst thing that has happened to me. I have to admit that I am a bit excited for Louis to come over again tomorrow. I’m curious if he will come in again, and if we will talk more and what about. I think I’ve been so deprived of positive attention from people that I’m just desperate to get a little bit. But I don’t know, who knows what will come out of all of this?


	4. Chapter 4

I slept in really late today and by the time I got out of bed, Louis was already knocking at my door. I doubt he cares, but I run to answer him in only sweatpants again. He probably thinks I don’t even own any shirts. Which wouldn’t be a wrong assumption, I don’t own many. 

“Sorry, I just woke up!”

“Oh no that’s alright.”

He smiles and looks right at my naked torso. Then quickly looks back up to my face. He was definitely not expecting me to come out like this again. Oh well. 

“Here, come in. I’ll grab my papers. You can sit on the couch if you want.”

I run upstairs and go to my bathroom quickly to brush my teeth. Then I rush back to my bedroom to grab my work but stop fast when I find Louis standing in there. 

“Sorry, curiosity got the better of me.”

“Oh it’s alright. It’s nothing special. Just some dark blue walls and blue bed sheets.”

“What happened to your mirror?”

We look over at the broken mirror, some glass pieces are still maintaining a place on the frame but its pretty much destroyed. I squeeze my hand and move it behind my back; the cuts are still there to. Nothing’s quite healed yet. 

“Oh there was just a bug. I was a little too excited about getting it.”

I need to remind myself to find better excuses to tell people. Clearly this is not something I’m good at.

“Do you live here by yourself?”

“No. My Mom is just working all the time, she’s hardly around.”

“That must be nice.”

“Well I mean if you’re talking about freedom, then yeah. I can do whatever I want. But it’s really lonely not having anyone around.”

“Yeah well try having parents who won’t leave you alone. I’d trade places in a heartbeat.”

“Ahh, you’ve got that kind of family.”

“Unfortunately. My older sister has been out of the house and married for a while, so they have no one else to focus their attention on.”

“That really sucks, sorry man.”

“It’s okay. We all find ways to cope. It seems you haven’t been tangled by your sheets recently.”

I cock my head to the side and then he nods at my neck. I remember abruptly the lie I told him and try to cover my steps.

“Oh yeah, yeah. Well I mean I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about that. That wasn’t me hanging myself or something like that.”

“Then what did happen?”

“I told you, my sheets.”

“Right.”

I grab my papers off the desk and hand them to him. Something to change the subject. 

“Here you go.”

“Thanks. Here are your papers.”

“You can put them on the desk.”

“Oh, before I leave, Ms. Cleary wanted me to tell you that she would like you to send a note next time with your homework, just to let her know you’re okay. She seems a bit worried over you.”

“Alright, will do.”

“Oh and here.”

He wrote down a number on one of my homework papers in the pile.

“There’s my number in case you need to get in touch with me this weekend.”

“Oh right, todays Friday isn’t it?”

“Yeah so I won’t be back here until Monday.”

“Okay, well thanks again.”

“Yeah.”

Louis left afterwards and I really wished he had stayed longer. I’ve been really enjoying having his company here. Having someone to talk to, getting to know. Not being completely alone. Having nothing to do can get boring very fast. And after so many years of not talking to anyone, I’m somewhat jumping at the chance to finally get to. My only problem now is the weekend. Waiting till Monday seems like such a long time, but I think it’s too early to call or text him. Maybe tomorrow I’ll sum up the courage. 

* * * *

Even though I had all weekend too, I spent the rest of Friday night doing my work and writing a letter to Ms. Cleary, informing her that I’m alright. Again, at around twelve my Mother came home. Early twice in one week is really unusual. I rush downstairs in the off chance I might see her before she falls asleep. Sitting on the couch in the living room, she looks exhausted, drained. 

“Mom?”

She uses her hands to wipe her face before she turns to look at me. She’s been crying. I walk over and sit next to her on the couch. 

“Oh hi honey. Didn’t know you were still up. How are you?”

“The better question is how are you?”

She flashes a crooked, sad smile. 

“Stressed. The night shift at the diner has been really tiring me out. The other day I wasn’t feeling well so they let me go home early, but today I actually fell asleep while on shift. They asked me to leave and I’m nervous they won’t ask me to come back.”

“It’s okay. You over work yourself. But that’s doesn’t mean you’re a bad employee. And besides, how could they not want you back? You’re the best!”

“Thanks sweetie. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages. You look different.”

“It hasn’t been that long.”

“I know. I’m sorry though. I’m really sorry that I’m not around more.”

“Mom, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine. Worry about yourself. You must be tired. Why don’t you head up to your room and sleep in your own bed tonight? I’ll grab you a cup of water and bring it up to you in a minute.”

“You know, you’re too good to me sometimes.”

She kisses me on my forehead and then starts heading up the stairs. It probably doesn’t even take me a minute to grab a glass and fill it, yet she’s already managed to fall asleep. I leave the cup on her nightstand and close the door to her bedroom quietly as I leave. I get in my bed afterwards too, and for a first in a while, I actually sleep pretty well.


	5. Chapter 5

When I wake up in the morning I see a flash of light on my phone going off. I swipe the lock on my screen and see that I already have a new text message. Weird. It’s a number I don’t recognize but I get up and find the sheet that Louis left his number on, to see if they match. 402-861-5988. It’s the same. I look at the text and then think of something to reply. 

“Hey. What’s up man?”

I write and rewrite sentences before I finally agree on something that doesn’t sound totally lame. I don’t know why I’m so nervous to send a text. It’s not a love letter.

“Nothing just woke up. What about you?”

“Nothing. This is kind of forward but can I come over? Parents up my ass, need to get out.”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks, on my way.”

Well that was quite the turn of events. I guess I don’t have to worry about texting him today. Although I wonder how he got my number, because I never gave it to him. Hmm, oh well. I get up and shower quickly and decide to actually dress myself. Black jeans, white tank shirt, converse sneakers and a beanie. He got to my house within fifteen minutes of his last text, I had just barely finished getting ready. 

Knock. Knock.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“Yeah, sorry for inviting myself over. I just needed to get out of that house.”

“Where are all your soccer buddies?”

He goes over and sits on my couch. He looks shaken but he’s trying sound normal to me. 

“Haha those guys are not my friends. They’re my teammates so I have to deal with them, but outside of school I never hang out with them. They all live in this bubble and they somehow believe that I belong in there with them too, but I don’t. Fake lives, fake people.”

“Funny. I had you pegged for sure, as the douchiest of the douchebags.”

He smirks at that.

“Yeah, I don’t like getting close to people.”

“Touché. I know all about that.”

He stares at the ground a couple seconds while I lick at my lip ring. 

“Do you want to go somewhere?”

“That’s sudden. Depends on where you want to go.”

“There’s this spot called ‘the hill,’ not a very clever name but it’s as if you can see the whole world up there. The view is incredible.”

My stomach drops.

“Yeah…I’ve been there.”

“So do you want to go?”

Despite the dark memories trying to clutch at my mind, forcing me to think about them and their destruction, I shake my head and those thoughts away, and take a breath. 

“Sure.”

He smiles and we both leave my house, walking down to my driveway and into his car. I felt too ‘low class’ to be sitting in such a nice vehicle, but maybe that’s just a stupid thought. He pulls away from my house and I realize that this is the first time I’ve left the premises since I was at school. It’s nice to be outside again. 

“It’s a little bit of a drive, just so you know.”

“Yeah I do. That’s fine.”

“I don’t mean to be blunt, but Harry, do you have…like do you have any friends?”

“Just like you said, I don’t like to get close to people either.”

I stare out the window. Thinking of other times, better times. When life was simpler. 

“Yeah but, I don’t like to do it because for so much of my life, I was forced to be someone I’m not. What are your reasons?”

“A lot of things.”

He peers over at me. Probably curious what all those things are. But I’m not going to tell. They’ve caused me enough trouble. We’re silent the rest of the car ride, but it’s not that much longer till we get to the spot. Down a hidden side street in the middle of nowhere, there’s a trail where people walk straight through some woods and then come to a clearing. That spot is ‘the hill.’

I follow Louis and get out of his car, then we get next to each other as we walk together to our destination. It’s a good day for this. It’s a little cold but the suns out so it’s not so bad. It’s a warm day for typical March. We walk past all the bare trees until we get to the spot where they’ve been removed. Blue sky stretches out in front of us, with hills and windmills and lakes for miles. It’s beautiful. I’d forgotten how much I love this view. 

“Wow.”

Louis talks out loud as he takes it all in.

“Have you been here before?”

“Yeah, but I was only ever here at night. For the parties you know, that people occasionally would throw. It’s really something else during the day.”

“It really is.”

We sit down next to each other on the grass and stare off in to world. Time peacefully passes along before I decide to talk out to Louis again.

“So, what happened today that made you want to leave your house?”

He looks over at me and then he takes a second before talking.

“Well, my parents have this party to attend with a bunch of their snobby friends. They were trying to force me to go, and on top of that bring Olivia.”

“Oh is she your girlfriend or something?”

“No. Not girlfriend. My parents are really good friends with her parents, and I swear if they could they would have us married off already. She is not my type though. Not even close. But they are trying to mold me into a young gentleman, and that plan does not involve being without a girl.”

“That really sucks.”

“I think I’m just getting to old for their shit. I’m going to be nineteen soon. I can handle my own.”

“Wait. You’re that much older than me? But aren’t we in the same grade?”

“Yeah. I was transferred around a lot as a kid and along the way I’d gotten held back. I was already a little old for the grade above, so now I’m like super old.”

“Wow, you moved around that much? You must have hated it.”

“Yeah I did. But it was always my fault anyways so I’ve got no one else to blame but myself.”

“Huh?”

“Ehh nothing.”

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling like for once in my life I want to get close to someone, or maybe it’s the air up here altering my perspective, but I feel like telling Louis everything. Like he’d be the one person to understand it all. I’m not going to though of course. Well, maybe one thing. Maybe I can handle letting someone in an inch. Still keeping them on the surface but letting them in just enough to trust. I think that could be okay.

“Louis?”

“Yeah?”

As soon as I realized that I wanted to tell him, it was like I had to do it right this minute. My body wanted to yell all my secrets out into the world and finally let some pressure off my shoulders. But I decided to go with the one secret that I knew wasn’t the worst one. Not by far. 

“Those bruises on my neck, you’re right, they’re not from my bed covers. Mr. Marks did that to me.”

His mouth dropped open. Probably because the truth was shocking to hear, and probably because he wasn’t expecting me to tell him something so private. 

“Are you fucking serious! You have to tell someone!”

“No! No I am not telling anyone. I stood up to him once and this is what it got me. I’m not doing it again. You can’t tell anyone.”

“Are you serious? Like you’re really not fucking around with me?”

I just looked at him and then I looked away. Back out in to the world.

“Fine. I promise I won’t say anything. But next time he does something you can’t just let it happen. At the very least come get me, and we can deal with him together.”

“You’d do that?”

“Do what?”

“You’d defend me like that?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“No one’s done it before.”

It was hard to say it. All this truth telling was kind of painful. No one has ever defended me or had my back. Anyone who was my friend, ditched me at the first sign of trouble. I assumed that everyone was unreliable because to me, they were. 

“Well you told me a dark secret, so to make it even, I’ll tell you one of mine. That way you have something you have to promise you can’t tell either.”

“Okay deal.”

We shake hands on our promise and he waits a couple seconds, mentally preparing himself I suppose, before telling me one of his own secrets.

“My parents abuse me. A lot. It’s mostly my Dad that hits me but my Mom occasionally likes to get in on the action as well."

Now it’s my turn for my mouth to drop open. If this is his easier secret to tell, I can’t imagine what other dark memories he has locked away inside. 

“Wow. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah it’s alright. My Dad’s always drunk, my Mom pops pills. They’re never clear headed.”

“Just so you know, you can come to my house whenever you need to. You don’t even really have to ask, the doors always open.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean it. You shouldn’t be living with people like that any longer. Mr. Marks, I can get away from him, I can try to avoid him. But they’re your parents. You see them every day!”

“I know. But I don’t have any options. If I want money to have a car and have nice things and go to college, I have to stay.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“Yeah it is. I want to go to college, I want to experience that part of my life. But I don’t want to have to go if it means that they are choosing my major for me and dictating how I live. I want to just go and do what I want. And let that be the end of it.”

“That makes sense. I know I’m not going to college. My Mom would never have the money to send me away. And besides, I want to pursue music.”

“You can do music as a major at college.”

“I know. I don’t know. I haven’t given my future much thought.”

“I think about mine all the time.” 

Louis looks off at the view again. But I don’t think he’s really paying attention to it this time. There’s something else he’s thinking about. 

“You know, life’s shitty like that. Taking good people and handing them bad cards.”

Then Louis smiles but he doesn’t turn his head back to me.

“Whoever said I was a good person?”

Even though I do it too, it’s painful to watch him tear himself a part. But what could I possibly say to change the way things are right now? I’ve got nothing worth saying and I don’t know how else to comfort another guy. So we sit in silence again. Staring out into something we’ll never be able to grasp. A possible future, a happy family, a happy life. We watch the world, unmoving for minutes. But eventually Louis jumps up, and I know it’s time to leave. 

We walk back and get into his car, for the next twenty minutes we don’t say a word. He drives me back to my house and when we get there I can already tell that he is not getting out this time and coming in with me. So I unlock my seatbelt and open the door to get out.

“Thanks…by the way.”

Louis calls out just as I plant my feet on the ground. I turn around with the car door still open.

“For what?”

“For today. Everything. It’s nice knowing that I finally might have a decent friend.”

I smile at him and he smiles back. His blue eyes are glowing so brightly.

“Anytime.”

I go inside and watch out my window as he drives away. The sun is starting to set above the other houses on the street, and the clouds look like they are burning oranges and pinks. Once he’s gone I look away from my window and head up to my room. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to have a friend. This overwhelming feeling of trust and comfort and happiness. Even in just the slightest amount, it’s intoxicating. I then sit down on my bed and grab my guitar, and I wonder if he’s feeling the same way too.


	6. Chapter 6

Louis has yet to text me today. I’m sure I’ll see him tomorrow when he brings my papers to me but after our conversation yesterday, I can’t help but to be a little nervous. It hasn’t even been a week since he knocked on my door and somehow it’s come this far. Strange how things happen to people like that. One minute you don’t know someone, next you both start bonding over something and become close friends. It’s so instant. So sudden. Well I shouldn’t rush to start saying close friends but the fact that I’ve told him anything about me at all is a big leap in and of itself.

I don’t have anything to do so I pick up my guitar and start playing some notes. Lately I have been having a hard time to writing lyrics. Usually I can easily tell how I feel, and I write songs and they’re dark but I feel better. Like I’ve let out all my thoughts and troubles into that one song. But for some reason I just can’t pin down what it is I’m feeling. Maybe it’s because you can’t write a good song about friendship, or happiness. Not typically anyways. 

I try writing but nothing is coming out right. I give up and head down to watch some TV. After an hour even that gets too boring to watch anymore. While I’d much rather be home then in school, I can’t handle the boredom. Having nothing to do. Too much time is not oaky. With nothing better to do I change my clothes and decide to go for a walk. Not to anywhere in particular. Just out, away. I put on jeans, a white shirt and my dark green jacket and I go outside. 

The air is crisp today. It’s just a little too cold to enjoy the weather but I don’t mind it so much. I walk past the school and head on towards the neighborhoods a little further down where all the rich people in this area live. My intentions are not to find Louis, but if I happened to walk past his house, I’d be curious enough to glance over and see if he’s there. Everyone that lives in Mallards Landing is wealthy. All huge houses, expensive cars, plush green grass, and landscaped flowers and gardens. Before my parents split up we lived in this neighborhood. My Dad is a lawyer of sorts. It doesn’t matter anyways, what’s in the past is in the past.

I walked down street after street in the neighborhood. Passing by people walking their dogs and the occasional children who were eager to get outside and play. I didn’t see to many people, but that’s how I like it. I turn down another street and three houses down on the right side I see Louis’ car. I’ll admit I slowed my steps. Giving myself more time to get there, not wanting to pass too soon. As I inched closer to his house, I examined everything that I could from the outside of it. The bright white walls, the black shutters, the red door. Two large white pillars on either side of his front entryway. I looked at all the windows, wondering which one might be his bedroom. 

Once I hit directly in front of his house I noticed that I could hear screaming coming from somewhere, it sounded distant. I stopped myself to find where the yelling was coming from. It didn’t take me long, Louis was swinging his front door wide open and yelling out to his parents as he rushed onto his lawn. He stopped dead in his tracks though when he saw me looking at him from across the street. 

“Harry? Is that you? What are you doing here?”

He yells out to me from his yard.

“Oh, I was just-”

“It doesn’t matter. Hurry up!”

I wasn’t sure why he told me to hurry up, but I followed him anyways to his car and got in on the passenger side. I had no idea where we were heading to but I didn’t care. Anything was better than the boredom of earlier. 

“Why were you outside my house?”

“Honestly, I was just going for a walk. I happened to be passing by when I started to hear yelling and that’s why I stopped.”

“Wow, so you can hear it from the outside. That explains why the neighbors avoid us.”

“Should I even ask what happened?”

“Well, last night I was forced to go to that fucking party. And forced to go with Olivia. But once we got to the house, I ditched her and tried to find a way to sneak out without getting noticed. Olivia bitched to her parents that I left her, and so of course they made a comment to my folks who had a few words to say to me this morning.”

“What a bitch. Why would she do that?”

“It’s not her fault. She doesn’t know.”

He was driving somewhat aggressively but I decided it was better not to make a comment. I looked at his face to read his expressions but instead I noticed a few slashes across his cheek.

“Did your Mom do that to you?”

He didn’t respond but he didn’t have to. I knew the answer. I never needed to ask in the first place. To keep the silence from swelling, I spoke again.

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know really. We could go back to ‘the hill’ or we could go to your house. Unless you’re hungry then we could grab food.”

“I’d eat but I have no cash on me.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll pay. There’s a good pizza place about another ten minutes from here.”

“I’m fine with that.”

He turned his radio on this time but I doubt it was to listen to anything playing. I think he wanted to keep me from asking anymore questions. Which I don’t blame him for, I’ve already asked a lot. He drives on a straight road for a while until he takes a left turn and then a right turn into a parking lot. We get out of his car and walk into the little shop. It’s mostly a counter with a couple of booths and some tables. The smell of pizza fills the room and after getting a huge whiff, I realize just how hungry I am. 

“I don’t know about you but I’m fucking starving. I think I’ll get us a large pie. Do you know what toppings you want?”

“I’ll literally eat anything. So up to you.”

He goes to the counter and orders a large cheese pizza as I find the farthest booth possible and take a seat. Once he’s done ordering, he comes to the booth and waits with me for our food to be cooked.

“Thanks for paying.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s the least I could do.”

“I don’t really want to be in school but I kind of wish I was going tomorrow just so I had something to do.”

“Yeah I know what you mean. Some days that’s all I look forward to. Being able to get out of that fucking house.”

“I can’t believe I have another week left still.”

“What did you even do?”

“Nothing.”

Louis gives me this look like that can’t possibly be the answer and honestly I wish I were lying.

“No seriously, nothing. I already got shit from the principal because I was wearing eyeliner, once he saw me with my lip ring he was done. He told me to take it out or for me to get out, and so I got out.”

“He can’t do that you!”

“Apparently he can.”

The guy called out to Louis, informing him that the pizza was ready. Our conversation was on hold but not over. I could tell by his face he wanted to say more. When he brought the pizza back, he opened the box and we both took a slice before saying anything again. 

“You haven’t been wearing your eyeliner at all. Is that why?”

“No. I just like wearing it when I am going somewhere and it feels necessary. Like if I’m going to be seen in public or what not. I don’t see a need to put it on when I’m not doing anything.”

“Ah that makes sense. I was going to say, I think the black eyeliner looks good on you. So you shouldn’t stop wearing it because someone said you should.”

For a split second I questioned whether what Louis was saying was meant as a compliment from friend to friend, or something more. But I shook that thought away as quickly as it appeared. 

“Thank you so much again.”

We ate the entire pizza and while he was stuffed, I knew I was still hungry. I never could be full. I could have eaten an entire pie by myself. 

“Stop saying thanks so much. That’s what friends are for.”

I get excited at the mention of us being friends. 

“Alright, well what do you want to do now? I can’t imagine you want to go home.”

“No I don’t. Do you care if we go back to your place?”

“No that’s fine, we can.”

We pack up and head back to my place. We small chat in the car. Talking about classes again and soccer a little. It felt like it took less time to make it back to my place than it did to drive there. When Louis pulls into my driveway, I go to take off my seatbelt and notice that he isn’t moving or shutting off his engine.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. You know what, I think I’m just gonna go home.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I got stuff I have to do.”

“Oh alright. Well if you need to, you know you can always come back over.”

“Okay, see ya.”

“Bye.”

He drove out of my driveway as I stood there watching him steer away. Then I headed to my front door and walked in. I can’t explain the way I feel walking into my house alone and even though Louis is now saying we are friends, I can’t help feeling like there’s so much more to know about him. He is such a mystery to me.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis stopped by for five minutes on Monday. We exchanged papers but then he left off in a hurry. He stayed for maybe a minute longer on Tuesday, and Wednesday it was barely long enough to say ‘hi.’ I have tried texting him asking if he is okay, but I get short one word replies and I leave it at that. I don’t know if I did something, but I just wish I knew. Then I could maybe understand why he was acting so strangely. 

Today when he stops by I am forcing him to come in so that I can talk to him for at least a little bit. Corner him and get him to answer my questions. He knocks at the door around two… right on time. I open the door and am blindsided for a moment. He’s wearing jeans with a black hoodie but there’s a big bruise engulfing his left eye. 

“Holy hell, are you alright?” 

He doesn’t look me in my eye. He just stares fixated on something other than me. I want to grab him but that might be excessive.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Can you come in? I have to grab my stuff from upstairs anyways.”

He steps inside but slowly. Exhaustedly. I leave him waiting in the living room as I rush upstairs to get my papers. I have them in my hands as I rush downstairs to get back to him. He’s sitting on the couch. I sit down next to him.

“Why do they keep doing this to you?”

“Because I’m a bad person.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You don’t know me. Who I really am. And if you did you wouldn’t want to be around me anymore.”

“Louis, you do realize who you’re talking to right? I’ve been ignored by everyone in our school for so long, why would you think I would be the one to ignore you? I know how that feels. I would never do it someone else.”

“Because you don’t know me. You say that now, but you don’t know who I am.”

He’s getting mad. And he stands up and starts heading towards the front door.

“Harry, tomorrow is the last day I’m bringing your papers over to your house. After that, I don’t know if we can hang out anymore.”

“Are you serious?”

My jaw was open. I was shocked. What the fuck was this about? 

“What happened? Did I do something to you too? Have I hurt your feelings in anyway because if I did I’m sorry!”

“No its not you. You didn’t do anything. I just need to be alone.”

He turned around and walked out of my house. Leaving me behind more baffled than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I don’t understand why Louis is doing what he’s doing, but I guess on the same hand I don’t understand why I’m so affected by it. I can see him getting into his car in my driveway and I decide to run outside, for what reason I have no idea. But I stand out in the cold, wishing I had a reason to stop him, and watched him drive away. Suddenly I’m reminded of what it feels like to be lonely. 

* * * *

Louis didn’t stop by on Friday. I could have walked to his house but whatever issues are going on over there, I decided I didn’t need to get involved. I don’t want to make matters worse for him. The weekend went by slower than was necessary but somehow I managed to make it to Sunday. It finally arrived. 

I decided to leave the house and go walk around, to get some fresh air. While I was in his neighborhood, I avoided going down Louis’ street at all cost. I didn’t need him to see me, looking desperate, or hurt. Above me, the skies started to darker and the clouds looked swollen. It’s going to start to rain so even though I had only been walking for twenty minutes, I figured I should cut it short and head home to beat the weather. I still had ten minutes left to my house as I was passing the high school when it started to pour. Fuck.

I lift the hood on my jacket and walk down the street. At this point I don’t bother rushing because either way I’m going to get wet, so I might as well enjoy as much of my walking as I can. Almost two weeks, that’s all it took for Louis to suddenly become everything I’m thinking about. Is that even normal? To think about your friend that much? I wouldn’t know, I haven’t had friends in so long I don’t even remember how friends are supposed to work out. Should I even really be calling it friends when it lasted so short? But if it’s not friends then what is it? 

Half of me wishes that he hadn’t been the one nominated to bring me my papers. That it had been someone else who didn’t care what I did, and just gave me my stuff and left. But on the other hand, we bonded. Over things that I never thought I could bond with someone about. Especially him. I felt like we were really starting to understand each other and that maybe things would be a little better because we would have each other from now on. Maybe I over thought everything. Maybe I jumped into it too fast. 

I got back home and tried to play my guitar again. But I can’t. I can’t find the words that I want to say. I know they are there because everything else I write down doesn’t seem right to me. But I just can’t find them. I can’t tell what or where they are. My Mom comes home around two in the morning, and while normally I would go check on her, tonight I just don’t care about anything. I lie in bed but I’m awake all night. So many thoughts engulfing my mind. I roll around all night, take my covers off and pull them back on, but no matter what position I get into, I can’t get comfortable. And no matter how many times I try to stop, I can’t stop thinking about Louis. 

* * * *

Today, I finally get to go back to school. But I am not excited, I am anxious. Nervous for how today is going to go. I dress myself in black jeans, a black long sleeve shirt and my white converse sneakers. I put my eyeliner on, which feels weird since I haven’t done it in two weeks, and I lick at my lip ring a couple times as I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. My bruises on my neck are all gone, and my hands are the same minus a new scar or two. I look as if nothing ever happened. How comforting. Too bad scars on the inside don’t heal as fast as the ones on the outside. 

I walk to school. The weather is drizzling but it’s a bit warmer out today then yesterday. I keep my hood up on my jacket, more so that people driving don’t see me as I make my way in. I don’t want any more unneeded attention than I am already going to get today. I enter the school and so far it’s as if nothing has changed. That while I’m still an outsider, it doesn’t feel so different from how it was before. I put my jacket away in my locker and I head to homeroom; walking in the shadows of other people to keep from being seen. I make it there unnoticed and so far I feel like I’m in the clear. But that was the wrong assumption. 

Before the announcements even start, a woman buzzes into our classroom through the speakers and asks for me to go down to the principal’s office. My teacher doesn’t bother repeating it to me or directing me to go, I stand up before he has time to say anything and walk out. The temptation to just not go is high but I’m not interested in getting suspended again. Despite my appearance, I don’t like being thought of as a troublemaker but too many of my classmates and people in this school think of me as something worse anyways. So I guess I’d rather have a reputation for a troublemaker than what they all truly think of me as. 

I walk into the office and the same woman that I had somewhat argued with, was sitting at the desk outside his room, and waved me to sit down and wait. She made no effort to look me in my face or even talk to me. After about five minutes, the bell to end the morning announcements goes off and everyone in the hallway heads to first period. I start peering through the doorway to watch the people walk by when the principal opens his door and calls me to come in. I get up and sit at the chair across his desk as I did two weeks ago. 

“Do you know why I called you in today?”

He looks so pissed at me. But once again I’ve done nothing. I’ve been here a matter of ten minutes, and it’s already starting. 

“No sir I don’t.”

“Can you please inform me again why I suspended you in the first place?”

“Because you secretly hate me? Well…maybe not secretly.”

I laugh on the inside, but am too afraid to show even a smirk. He hates me. The rage is boiling at his skin. 

“No. I suspended you, as I’m sure you can recall, because you had a lip ring and eyeliner on. Two violations of the dress code, and both of which had not been dealt with after many warnings.”

“Okay.”

“After being suspended two weeks, you’d think you would have learned your lesson. And yet, here you are. Wearing the exact same stuff I specifically punished you for.”

I stay quite. I have a feeling I know where this is going. But this is beyond absurd. He talks again, angry that I have nothing to say in my defense. Really, I am waiting for what I know is going to come out next. 

“I am afraid I am going to have to suspend you once again, until you learn your lesson.”

“You can’t do that! You have no right to suspend me for something that is not against the rules. You do not have it written down in any book anywhere that specifically says I can’t wear eyeliner or have a lip ring. You are deliberately suspending me because you just don’t like me. And that’s against the law!

“I can do whatever I damn please! You are a student! If you raise your tone at me again, you’re out!”

“Well if you suspend me again I am suing this school for discrimination and unjust practices!”

“You can’t sue me!”

“Oh yeah? My Father’s a lawyer, how must do you want to bet that I can’t sue and get you fired?!”

I had him now. He was afraid. Just a small flash in his eyes, but it was there. I saw it. He wasn’t going to do anything now. It was quiet and I waited for his next words. I knew he needed a little time to think hard about what he was going to say. Then he let out a breath and tried to act as if he had calmed down.

“Fine. I’ll let it slide. But I am keeping a close eye on you now. If you do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, I swear I will find out and have you expelled from this school so fast you won’t even have a chance to blink. Do I make myself clear?”

Our eyes were locked. Trying everything on both sides not to reach across the desk and start fighting. 

“Fine. Have a good day Principal.”

I stand up from the chair and walk out. First period had already started which means I’ll have to walk in late. And I didn’t bother asking the woman at the desk to write me a pass, so we’ll see how this goes. I have history with Ms. Cleary so it can’t be that bad. But this is also one of the classes that I share with Louis so who knows how it’ll be. 

Walking down the hallway, I stand outside of the door for a couple seconds and brace myself for what’s to come next. Three breaths and then I have to go in. One, breathe in, breathe out. Two, in through the nose, and out through the mouth. Three. Fuck my life. I grab the handle and walk in, acting as if I’m unaffected by the twenty eyes now fixated on me and my presence. I’m unwanted. Ms. Cleary is standing in front of me, but I walk down to my seat without saying a word. Everyone is silent as I get in my seat and get adjusted, still staring at me as if I’m some social pariah. Well, I guess I am. Ms. Cleary waits another second and then she begins her lesson again, trying to pull everyone’s attention back to her. Maybe to her it seems like they are all focused on her lesson, but I can still feel everyone’s eyes on me. This is shit. 

I sit at my desk and pull out my notebook, doodling on my papers as I’ve always done. But I’m not thinking too much about the scribbles on my paper. All I can think about is Louis. I feel him behind me, but I don’t have the courage to turn around and look at him. And I wouldn’t want to make another scene. But I want to see him. I want to see his face. I want him to acknowledge my existence in some way. 

Time passes but not quickly enough. The bells rings and I wait until everyone has walked out before I even decide to stand up. I had hoped that Louis would do the same, wait for me secretly behind the mass of people, but he walks out with a group of his friends. We don’t make any eye contact. Once again I’m completely invisible. I put my notebook in my black backpack and I stand up ready to leave. But Ms. Cleary stops me as I was sure she was going to, before I walk out. 

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”  
We are standing in front of each other. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Why did the principal suspend you?”

“Why do you think?”

She looks away. She’s upset but I’m not sure why. I was the victim. 

“Look, I can’t do much, and I know that, but if you ever need some place to escape to you can always come to my room. Whether I’m here or not, I’m allowing you permission to be in here.”

“Oh no, that’s okay.”

“I don’t care if you don’t ever come here, but just know it’s an option. If you need it, it’s there.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled a little.

“It’s the least I can do. Now hurry up, you don’t want to be late for your next class too.”

I smiled at her this time and waved goodbye as I walked out of her classroom. Even though it wasn’t much, that small act of kindness means everything. Even though I didn’t really show it, I hope she knows how grateful I am for that. Unfortunately, my luck runs out. Within steps outside my history class I can already see Mr. Marks a little down the way. I’m hoping I can just walk past, I’m hoping he doesn’t say anything. But that would never happen to me. 

“You there.”

I stop before I’ve reached where he’s standing. I don’t look him in the eye, I keep my eyes on the ground. I don’t say anything, I just keep my mouth closed. But I stop, which is more then what I should have done.

“I’m surprised they let scum like you back into the school so early.”

I just take it. I just stand there and stay quiet. 

“What? You don’t want to talk back to me this time? Have you learned your lesson?”

Quiet. Just stay quiet. 

“Are ya deaf?”

He pulls away from the side of the hallway and comes up to me this time. Looking me in my face, but though I know he’s there, I keep my eyes on the ground. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to look at him. 

“You little fucking bitch.”

Apparently staying quiet was the wrong choice. He grabs me by my arm and shoves me from the hallway into his class. The amount of force he uses to push me causes me to fall on the floor. I pray that the other students are in here, but what do you know? The classroom is empty. FUCK! 

“You answer me when I’m talking to you, you pussy bitch.”

He grabs me by my throat and yanks me off of the ground. Forcing me back up on my feet and standing. His fingers clench around my throat but he stops, and then lifts my chin up. Looking at my throat further.

“Didn’t leave any bruises huh? Maybe I didn’t squeeze hard enough.”

He starts squeezing more, so tightly but I don’t move. I’m frozen, stuck in this position by force and fear. I start looking around for something that I can grab. Something that I can use as protection. My throat is clenched and I’m trying to gasp for air but I can’t. This is such shit! What did I do to deserve this?

I start reaching my hand for the white board marker eraser a little bit away from me to my left, but suddenly I can hear laughter from the hallway. He lets go as quickly as the noise of the students hits his ears and I charge away as fast as I can. What the fuck is his problem? I’m done! This has been shit and I’ve only been here for a little over an hour. I’m heading home. Fuck school. I don’t want to come back. I hope the principal sees me and expels me. That would make me so happy. To get out of this fucking place and just leave.

I walk fast down the hallway and then I turn down another hallway of classes when suddenly I see someone up ahead. I stop abruptly. Louis. He is staring at me from the other end. Why did I have to run into him at this time? Why now? I’m looking at him looking at me, and then I’m highly aware of the swelling starting to form around my neck. I need to go. I start walking down the hallway towards him, ignoring the fact that he is now standing there like a wall. 

“Hey. What’s wrong with you?”

Louis calls out to me as I get closer to him but I keep walking. I don’t have time for this. 

“Harry!”

I try to keep quiet and walk past him but once I’m where he is standing, he blocks me off. I don’t mean to but out of everything that has thus far happened, his move was the last straw. I snap.

“Get out of the fucking way.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me, get out of my way.”

I try to push past him but he pushes back. As I said before, I may be taller, but he’s stronger. 

“Harry? What is wrong wit-”

He cuts himself off mid-sentence, and I’m curious what took his attention. But then my skin turns hot when I realize that he is staring right at my neck. He sees it. He knows now. I just say quiet because I don’t have any excuses anymore. 

“Did he do this to you? Again?”

“You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Are you kidding me? This is terrible. This is fucking terrible Harry. You need to go to the principal and show him what’s happened!”

“I can’t go there! You think anyone is going to believe me? And even if they did, they would still side with him. They’d probably agree together that this is what I deserve. Everyone thinks I’m worthless, why would they suddenly care now?”

“Harry.”

“No! This is my problem. No one else’s. And I’m not telling anyone.”

He finally lets up his strength and I take my chance and walk past him. I thought he understood but I guess he doesn’t. No one gives a shit about me. That’s not even an exaggeration. I keep walking through the halls, I start heading towards the doors to get out but there’s someone standing there blocking them. I change my decision to leave and instead head to the nurses office. I’ll just hide out there for the rest of the day and then leave when schools over. The one good thing about this school is the nurse. She doesn’t care if you are sick or not, she lets you stay as long as you like. I tell her that my Mom is at work so I can’t get picked up, and she lets me take one of the beds for the rest of the day. I don’t fall asleep which was my hope, but I get to stare out the windows, so it’s not terrible. 

At some point, its five minutes before school is over, so I get up from the nurse’s bed and leave the room. From the time it takes to get from her office to the front door of the school, the bell rings and get to I walk outside. I’d enjoy this freedom more if it didn’t hurt so much to breathe or move. My throat still feels like his grip is clutched around it. I try to relax but honestly, I just want to get in my room and hide. I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to be dealing with any of this. 

I keep my head down as I am walking along the street. My goal is to be inconspicuous but somehow I have failed. A black car comes up on my right side and I don’t even look to see what kind because I already know. I act as if I can’t see him there, but he rolls down his window and yells out to me anyways. 

“Harry! Get in my car! I’ll drive you home!”

I walk for a little bit longer but he drives his car along with me as I keep walking. Finally I stop, look at him and his face hanging somewhat out the window, and then I give up. I give in. 

“Fine.”

He sits back properly into his car and rolls his window up as I walk around the front of his car and get in on the passenger side. We don’t say anything as he drives me back to my house. I don’t know what he thinks he’s doing. He is the one that said we couldn’t be friends, not me. He pulls into my driveway and I start to open his door but then he talks. And I’m too curious to hear what he has to say. 

“Wait.”

I sit, waiting for him to say something.

“You have to go to a doctor. You have to let someone examine your neck.”

“No.”

“And you’re definitely not going to tell anyone about this?”

“No.”

He’s quiet now. He should understand the most out of everyone what it’s like to keep secrets.

“Fine. Are you at least going to put ice on your neck?”

“My freezer is broken.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No.”

“Right. Well then you’re not getting out. You’re coming to my house, I’m going to give you some ice, to help with the swelling.”

“You don’t need to do that. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine! Have you looked in the mirror yet? You look like shit. You look like you’ve been hit by a truck.”

“And why do you care?”

“Because I’m your friend.”

“Really? You weren’t my friend a couple days ago. You weren’t my friend this morning. How come all of sudden you decide to change your mind? Because I’m hurt? You want to take pity on me? Well fuck that. I don’t need that.”

He looks really upset. Part of me really wants to stop yelling and to say sorry and to be fine, but on the other hand I’m hurt. And in the state of emotions I’m in, I can’t care how he’s feeling along with everything that I’m feeling. 

“I’m sorry that I said all that stuff to you the other day. But I can’t be you friend. Can’t you at the very least, let me help you though?”

“Why should I? Why should I let you do that just to leave me behind again?”

I was really upset. Yet I couldn’t understand why I was so hurt. Why I was so sad, or disappointed. I realize these aren’t normal feelings to have, and I’m over reacting so much.   
“You’re really upset aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am. You don’t get it! I don’t let anyone in. I don’t talk to people, hang out with people, nothing. And for a small moment, I let you in. And you just helped redefine exactly why I don’t get close to people. You just re-proved why I stayed away in the first place.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.”

“I’m sorry Harry. I…I have to go.”

I get out of his car and slam the passenger side door. I don’t care. At some point, everyone in my life leaves. This really isn’t anything new.


	8. Chapter 8

The rest of yesterday and last night, my throat felt like it was continuing to swell. That even though Mr. Marks hand wasn’t there anymore, his fingerprints were left behind, slowly squeezing away at my windpipe; taking away my ability to breathe. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I tried to eat but it hurt. 

I looked in the mirror this morning and if I thought last time was bad, this was much much worse. You could see his hand. As if he had left it on my throat for the whole night. There were black and blue marks outlining his fingers, all along the side of my neck. I woke up to go to school but I couldn’t face anyone today. Not after everything that happened, and not with these bruises. So I slept in as long as I could before I decided that it was time I needed to get up.

I don’t want to stay in the house though, not the whole day. So I put on clothes and my jacket, and grab a couple dollars. I’m going to walk down to the convenience store and buy some ice. If I even have enough to do so. It’s a twenty to thirty minute walk so it’ll take up a good chunk of time. I just hope the ice isn’t too heavy because carrying it for that long might be annoying, but whatever. It’s better than staying at home. And the sooner I get ice on my neck, the sooner the marks might disappear. But just before I open the door to leave, I get a text on my phone.

“Where are you.”

Louis. I debate whether I should text him back or not. I know I shouldn’t. But I want to. 

“Home.”

I sit down on the couch and wait for his response. I don’t know why I do, it shouldn’t affect my plans. 

“Coming over.”

He didn’t really ask so I could tell him no. I could tell him he’s not invited. I should tell him that. Somehow, I can’t though, I don’t want to. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Letting him in over and over. It’s like I’m asking to be hurt again. But what if something happened? Now I’m too curious to know. All the time spent thinking about him and soon enough he’s in my driveway. 

Knock. Knock.

I open up. He’s standing in front of me and for the first time in a while, he’s actually looking me in my eyes. I forgot just how bright his blue eyes were. He’s wearing sweatpants and a white t-shirt, with his jacket. He looks like he just rolled out of bed. Messy hair, unshaved, tired eyes. I say the first thing.

“What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t in class.”

“Yeah, and?”

“I wanted to make sure that you were doing okay.”

“You left school and came over to my house, just to make sure I was okay?”

“Yeah. Why are you making a big deal out of it?”

“Because it’s the same shit as yesterday. You keep saying you don’t want to be friends, and then you’re pulling this shit. Like are you trying to fuck with my head?”

“No. I’m not. But I’m the only one that knows about your little incident and so sorry if I wanted to make sure that you were still alive.”

“Why do you care? Why do you care about any of this?”

“Because I know how it feels! I know how it feels to feel worthless! And I know what I put myself through. I just want to watch out for you.”

“You don’t even know half of what I’ve gone through.”

“Look, can you just stop arguing with me for like five minutes?"

“Fine. I’m heading to the convenience store anyway, you can do whatever you want.”

“I’m coming with you. I’ll drive.”

I’m stepping out of my house, my head is exploding with so many thoughts. I lock the door and I turn around to look at him, and I just give up. If he wants to be around so bad then fine. 

“Whatever.”

We get into his car. We aren’t talking but I can tell he wants to say something. I give it a couple more seconds and then I just ask him anyways.

“What is it that you want to say?”

“Huh?”

“You want to say something, so say it.”

He turns from the road and looks at me. Then he rolls his eyes. 

“Alright. I want to know what else you’ve been through.”

“I knew that was what you were going to ask.”

“How?”

“Just did. But I’m not telling you. It’s not like you’ve told me anymore about your life. Why am I going to tell you more about mine?”

“Okay. I know it doesn’t make sense. I do. But I’ve got a lot of shit I have to deal with.”

“And so do I.”

We don’t say anything for the last couple minutes. I know it seems like I’m being a brat, that I keep arguing, but he doesn’t understand the confusion that I am going through. What is he trying to do to me? We get to the store and get out of his car at the same. I don’t really wait for him to walk around his side, I walk ahead and go into the store. There’s only one other person and it’s an older male at the cashier. I start looking around for ice, Louis walks in and starts walking around separately to. 

I grab a bag of ice from inside the freezer door and head to the counter. Louis comes over next to me and lays out money to pay for my bag. I don’t argue. Then he asks the cashier if there is any pain medicine, which he takes from behind the counter and adds into a plastic bag with the ice. After Louis pays, we leave the store and get back into his car. He plays music this time on the drive back to my house. At least the silence isn’t so painful. We pull into my drive and Louis gets out with me, coming up to my door and coming into my house. 

“I bought the medicine for you. Might make your neck a little more comfortable.”

“Thanks.”

I go into the kitchen and take out the ice. I put it into a plastic bag and then wrap a hand towel around it. Then I grab a glass of water and take the medicine while drinking. After, I grab the handmade ice pack and sit on the couch next to Louis. Holding the pack to my neck, it’s cold, but it feels okay. Not too bad. 

“I’ve taken that medicine before. It made me super tired. Just a forewarning.”

“Okay.”

“Do you care if I stay a little bit longer? My parents think I’m at school, and my Mom is home during the days.”

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

I turned on the TV to some ridiculous show. For a while we were both pretty stiff about being next to each other, but we both started laughing at some parts of the show and eventually the awkwardness subsided. I felt more comfortable being next to him, and even though I was still hurt, I wasn’t worrying about it at that moment. The show was on marathon so we kept watching for a while, at some point I leaned over and started to feel tired, but I don’t remember falling asleep. I don’t know what time it was, but I was woken up from Louis moving up off my couch. My eyelids were too heavy to open and I figured he could just help himself out, so I stayed silent and didn’t move. With my eyes closed, I tried to listen for what he was doing but I couldn’t hear him moving. Then, I felt something come really close to my face and I felt hot air hitting my skin. Maybe I was really out of it, or in some weird alter-dream, but I swear the next thing I felt was someone’s soft mouth kissing me on my lips. And I didn’t pull away.


	9. Chapter 9

I woke up in the morning. I don’t remember going back to my room but I woke up in my bed. My throat hurts but not nearly as bad as yesterday. It was healing. I have to go to school today because I can’t miss another day, so I go out from under my covers and start throwing clothes on. I don’t care what it is. I look in the mirror as I am brushing my teeth, and my neck looks a lot worse than it feels. The shirt I am wearing does not cover the marks so I go back into my room to find something else to wear. 

Unfortunately, none of my shirts that have collars, are big enough to fully hide my neck, so I grab a scarf and wrap it as best as I can around me. This day is going to suck so bad, I can feel it. I throw on my jacket, and grab my backpack and I start to head out of my house. Before I leave, I grab my eyeliner and rub it on super dark around my eyes. Maybe I’ll be too intimidating for anyone to bother me. I get outside and start walking down the streets to get to the high school. I’d do anything to not be here today. But one unexcused absence might already get me expelled, I don’t need another. 

I take off my jacket and put it into my locker and walk to homeroom unnoticed. So far it’s okay. No one pays any attention to the fact that I have a scarf on so that’s so far a plus. I just hope I can make it till the rest of the day like this. The announcements go off and then they end, signaling for first period to start. I rush down the hallways and get to Ms. Cleary’s classroom as early as I possibly can. To avoid unwanted attention from anyone, including Mr. Marks. 

Eventually Louis and his posse walk in. They walk past me to their seats, with Louis at the end. He stops a little and looks down at me, but then keeps going before anything looks suspicious. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish I knew why he made me so anxious all the time. Class starts but all I am aware of is the fact that Louis is behind me. I want to see him, I want to talk to him, I want to be near him. He’s driving me insane. I’m driving myself insane. Class ends and instead of waiting around, I rush ahead to the front of the crowd. Hoping I can make it down the hallway safely by being within a large mass of students. I pass Mr. Marks standing outside, but he just looks at me. Thankfully he doesn’t say anything, there are too many people around. I’m in the clear. 

Once I turn down another hallway, I slow down my pace a lot. I don’t need to rush to my next class, I can take my time. Apparently I slowed down so much that Louis and one of his friends end up walking behind me. A few seconds later, his friend walks away towards one of the classrooms, and it’s just him left behind me. I turn down another hallway, and even though I know he doesn’t need to go this way, he still follows behind. I take another turn, down a completely empty hall, and yet again he follows suit.   
“Why are you following me?”

I turn around abruptly to catch him off guard.

“Harry, I want to talk to you.”

“Now?”

“Yeah.”

He looks concerned but I can’t imagine what it is that is bothering him. I look at his face but I don’t see any new scars, so at least that’s out of the question.

“Okay…well go on.”

“Do you remember anything last night?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Yeah. I remember falling asleep on the couch, I vaguely remember you leaving, and that was it.”

“That’s all you remember?”

“What? Is there more?”

“No.”

I look at him. He straightens his bad and looks less concerned than before. 

“You’re lying.”

“You don’t want to know the truth.”

Before I could say anything else, the bell rang that second period had started and he took off towards his class. Angrily, I made my way to English. What could possibly have happened that he doesn’t want to tell me? I tried to rack my brains for anything that I might remember, but the only thing I somewhat am finding is that weird dream I had. Where I thought that Louis kissed me. That was definitely a dream though, because that would never happen. So I can’t imagine what actually happened that he doesn’t want to say. 

The rest of the school day managed to go by, even though it felt like it took years to end. I successfully made it through without anyone commenting to me. But now I want to find Louis. I want to talk to him. I head outside and start walking back to my house, but I grab my phone out and simultaneously text him as well. 

“Where are you? We should talk.”

I wait a minute until I get a response.

“In my car, heading home.”

“Come to my house.”

I didn’t get a response after that and the rest of the time I walked home, I didn’t see his car pass me by. I unlocked my front door and went into the kitchen, made another small sandwich and then went up to my room. He probably has practice, that’s why he can’t come over. I pull my guitar off the ground and try learning some new songs to play just for fun, when someone knocks on my door. 

Knock. Knock. 

I rush down my flight of stairs.

“So you did come?”

I open my door and I see him standing on the other side. Looking as if he doesn’t want to be here, but he did come so that’s good. 

“Look, I didn’t want to. But I need to stop bottling things inside me. I decided you have a right to know, and so I’m going to tell you.”

He walks into my house but doesn’t sit on the couch. He stays standing which leads me to think that he won’t be here for very long. 

“Alright, so now tell me. What happened last night after I fell asleep?”

He looks me in the eyes and then looks towards the ground. He takes a couple breaths, loud enough that I can hear them. My heart races a little, my mind is paused, waiting to think until after he tells me anything. 

“Okay, well, you fell asleep on the couch. I stayed for a while after that because I didn’t want to go home quite yet. I was just watching TV while you were sleeping so it’s not that that was bad. But uhm, I got up finally to leave, and well…well, I…well I kissed you.”

Oh my god. That did happen!? He talks again before I have a chance to say anything.

“But that’s not all of it.”

He looked up again to see my reaction. I tried not to show my surprised, mainly because I wasn’t sure what else he was going to say yet. I didn’t want to be surprised too soon when there was more to come. He kept looking at me this time when he continued to talk.

“So, after that happened I left. I was really scared that you were awake when I did that and so I left. But later on my parents were belligerent, and they wouldn’t leave me alone, so I left and came back over. You were still on the couch sleeping, so I helped you up to your room. When we got there, you kind of woke up. At least I thought you did. Because while I was trying to help you into your bed, I tripped over something and you fell on top of me.”

He stopped talking but I knew that wasn’t the end of the story. I knew there was more, and I wanted to hear it. 

“What happened Louis?”

I was talking calmly. I didn’t want to scare him.

“Well you kissed me then. A lot actually. I fell asleep in your bed at one point, but I left at around twelve-thirty, you didn’t even move you were passed out.”

“So that’s everything that happened?”

“Yeah.”

He looked up at me, but instead of looking relieved after telling me, he looked mad. Upset. But I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t sure what I felt, but it wasn’t that.

“What’s wrong, why are you upset?”

“Because now you know the real me. Now you can understand why we can’t be friends. I’m gay! I’m a worthless human being! And I took advantage of you!”

Tears were in his eyes and his face was all red. He stormed out after he yelled at me and I stood for a second trying to think about everything that is suddenly happening. But I didn’t want him to go, so I tried to race out after him but he was already in his car, pulling away. I tried to run down the street but I couldn’t catch him. I wish he stayed. I wish I told him everything about me, and then he could see that there was nothing to be afraid of.


	10. Chapter 10

**Louis:**

            Why did I tell? Why did I do all that shit to an innocent guy? He trusted me, he let me into his life and I took all of it and threw it away. Why can’t I just be normal? I finally make a fucking friend and as soon as we start having fun, I go and ruin everything. What the fuck is wrong with me! Arghhh!

            I drive recklessly back to my house, risking my mortality and hoping I crash. But unfortunately I make it home alive. I sit in my car for a couple minutes. Pushing off the inevitably torture of being around my parents. Why does this have to be my life? I pinch my skin a couple times to make sure that this all isn’t a dream, and then I sigh. Reality fucking blows. I get out of my car and walk up my walkway and into my house. My parents are waiting for me in the living room. Both clearly wasted. My Father talks first as he and my Mother make their way towards me, the typical routine.

“Oh darling, it seems our son has finally decided to come home today. What should the punishment be for this time?”

            They laugh and smile, as if my misery is their entertainment. My Mother smiles and starts walking around me, examining me.

“Well, well. Let’s see my darling Bob. He came home quite late last night which is a 'no no' in our rulebook if I’m not mistaken.”

“No darling you’re quite right. I believe our good son’s curfew is nine o’clock. You not only left the house past that time, but came home way later than allowed. So darling, what will be the punishment for such disobedience?”

            My Mother stops and cocks her head. Then a huge grin stretches across her face, and her eyes flicker with excitement.

“Two slashes should do the trick. Don’t you think so my sweet husband?”

“But wait, is that all he is being punished for today? For leaving and breaking curfew?”

“Oh you’re right! Now Louis, tell Mommy, are you still a homosexual?”

            She talks down to me like a child, patronizing me. And talks about being gay as if I’m some mutant animal. The way “homosexual” comes out of her mouth, it might as well be poison.

“I’m afraid so.”

            They hate me so much. I can see the disgust in their eyes when they look at me. My Mother’s smile vanishes and I know that its time. I brace my mind as best as I can. They can break my body if they want, they can tear my muscles and snap my bones, but they will not break my mind. As long as I stay mentally strong, I’ll be alright.

“Well now, that just won’t do.”

            My Mother hits me first. Scratches along my face, burning where the fresh wounds are open. Then she slaps me, repeatedly, for too long. While my Mother finishes up, my Father takes his belt off. Then he orders me to take off my shirt. Because heaven forbid they ruin an expensive shirt. But then again, that shirt isn’t gay. It’s just me.

            My Father whips me five times. They walk away feeling slightly satisfied, but I know they would love to kill me. Their one son, their one chance for the family name to be passed down further through generations, their one chance to raise a gentleman, to raise an athlete, to raise a man. Their last chance for grandkids, and it’s all ruined because I’m gay. I’m a disappointment in every way imaginable.

            I stay on the floor for a while. The cold tiles feel good against my burning skin. There’s blood dripping down my back, if any of it drops on the floor I’ll be punished again. So I stand up and head to my room before I cause more trouble. I grab a towel in my room, one that I only use in this situation, and lay down on it, so it can soak up the blood off my back. If I used a nice towel I would be in trouble, so I have one that I use and keep in my room. After a while of laying and thinking endlessly about what Harry is doing at the moment, I close my eyes and drift to sleep. I was ready for the day to be over.

*                *                      *                      *

“Goodbye Mom, I’m heading to school.”

            She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t even act as if she heard me. She’s sitting at the kitchen table, clearly hung-over, and ignoring me to the fullest. I walk out of the house anyways and head to my car. Finally out in the fresh, cold, morning air, and it feels amazing. Breathing, is amazing. I drive through the neighborhood and eventually get onto the main road towards school. I pull into the parking lot and already some of the soccer guys are waiting for me. I wish they wouldn’t.

“Louis! Why did you cancel practice yesterday??”

“Oh I had some things I had to work on with my parents and whatever.”

“Oh cool man. Do we have practice today?”

“Yes. Today we will have practice. Tell everyone when you see them to meet on the field.”

“Okay will do. See you later then!”

            Parker is nosy but he means well. He ran away and up towards some of his other friends as I walked alone into the school. He’s a sophomore and always really eager for anything I tell him to do, which I really appreciate. I like being the captain at times, I like people relying on me to direct them, but other times, I wish they weren’t so dependent on me. Sometimes I don’t feel like being reliable, or responsible. I just want to do what I want. But being on the soccer team and being captain, is the only way my parents are letting me stay at a public school. I transferred here as a freshman because we moved too late in the summer and the private school they wanted to send me to wouldn’t take me so close to the start of the year. They told us to wait till next summer to enroll. But by that time I was making friends and on the soccer team, and my parents saw it as a chance for me to become more of a guy. They let me stay on the condition that I have to play soccer, and so I did.

            Truthfully, I do love the sport. I love playing games and I love winning. But I’m so tired of practicing every day, and having to balance that along with school along with whatever else is coming up. I’ve wanted to quit a bunch of times, but I didn’t want to start any more new schools. It’s not really because I was making great friends or anything, but I was more tired of constantly being the new kid.

            I headed to my homeroom and waited for the bell to go off so that we could leave. I want to be in first period already. I want to see Harry. I try to leave homeroom as early as I can so that my friends don’t walk in with me, but they come out just as fast as I do and are already meeting up with me in the hallway.

“Ayy Louis, long time no see!”

            They start talking to me but I’m not listening. I don’t care what they have to say, I don’t care about what they’ve done, I just don’t want to be with them right now. I get to the class and I decide that all I want to do is to sit next to Harry. I should leave him alone though, I need to stop bothering him and bringing him into my problems. I’m sure he wants nothing to do with me now. But I want him so bad. Those green eyes, his dimples, his laugh. I can’t deny the way I feel about him.

            Harry is already in the classroom. He’s sitting with a red and black plaid shirt on, a black scarf around his neck again, and his eyeliner really bold. He looks up at me as I walk in and his eyes pierce into me. But he doesn’t look mad. He looks like he wants to talk to me even. But I can’t. I can’t do that. My leg brushes against his arm as I walk past him to my seat, and my whole body shutters. I hate that he wasn’t awake or conscious when we were kissing in his room, because it was surreal.

            His lips were so soft, and he was kissing me gently at first, feeling me out. But once I had a little taste, I needed more. I needed him. I slid my tongue into his mouth, feeling my way between his lips and around his tongue. I sucked on his lip ring next and tugged a little at it with my teeth, he let out a small moan and I thought my body was going to combust. I wanted everything. I wanted to make him feel things, and I wanted to hear him moan more, and I wanted to kiss him everywhere. But I resisted the urge to go further. It took everything in me to stop, but I wasn’t sure if he was doing it because he wanted to, or because he was medicated. I didn’t realize that he wouldn’t remember anything at all.

            Sitting in class, I stare at the back of his head the entire time. I watch every little move he makes, and I gaze at his hair, wanting to touch it. I watch his fingers, wanting to hold them. And I stare at his neck, wanting to heal him. When class was over, I told my friends to go on without me, and waited for Harry to get out of his seat to leave. He was the last one up, and when he realized that I had waited, he gave me a little smile. I stood next to him as we walked out of the class together. I didn’t want him to be alone, especially passing Mr. Marks who was waiting outside of his classroom. I stared at him the entire time we passed, and he gave me a quizzical look but I was hoping he could tell how much I wanted to kill him. Then he smiled and gave me a wink, and went back into his classroom. Disgusting.

“Louis, you didn’t need to leave yesterday.”

“What?”

            I forgot that I hadn’t said anything to him even though I made a point to walk with him to his class.

“I don’t hate you. I wish you stayed yesterday, we need to talk.”

“Yeah well I can’t come over today. I have practice and my parents are driving themselves even farther up my ass.”

            We were both talking quietly, but there was really no reason to. No one was around us.

“Can you come over after practice, and just tell them you stayed late?”

“I don’t know.”

“Listen, I don’t hate you. Okay? Please keep that in mind. I don’t hate you at all.”

            I wish he wasn’t saying this to me. He doesn’t understand. We can’t be friends. I have feelings too strong to fake being friends with him. I’m never going to be able to stop my feelings.

“Alright. I’ll text you later and let you know.”

            After last night, I know I can’t do it. I know I can’t come over. As much as I would like to, there’s nothing that I can do. I can’t risk it even a little bit.

“Okay. Oh, also, uhm, are you okay?”

            I cock my head but then he points a finger at the side of my cheek. I know he’s talking about my new scratches.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

            I really wish I could believe that.


	11. Chapter 11

The rest of my day was spent thinking about Harry. His long legs, his long torso, his long curly brown hair. I want him in the worst possible way. I want every inch of him. And I mean yeah, I am unbelievably sexually attracted to him, but I want him for more than just sex. When he’s upset I want to hold him, when he’s happy I want to be the reason he smiled, when he’s hurt I want to heal the pain. I want to be with him and have him know, that there’s actually someone out there who understands. But I’m too damaged. I’m not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Harry shouldn’t be getting dragged into my issues. It’s not fair to do that to him.

            I passed Harry only twice in the hallways today, and both times my heart raced when we locked eyes. I tried to keep as cool as I could, acting as if it didn’t mean anything that he looked at me. Acting as if my entire world didn’t just stop the two whole seconds it took for him to pass by. I’m in too deep. I need to get out while I still can.

“Louis! Louis, hey! What time are we meeting today?”

            One of my teammates yelled at me as I walked out of my classroom, heading to my car.

“Same time as usual! Two fifty!”

            I walked to my car and hoped that if I could grab Harry now, then we could talk briefly. I don’t have much time, it’s already two oh five, but if I don’t do it now I can’t at all today. I rush to my car, and start driving towards his house, looking out for him on the sidewalk walking home. Luckily, I spot him just as he turns into his neighborhood. I drive over to him and roll down my window.

“If you want to talk, we have to do it now.”

“Don’t you have practice?”

“Yes, so I don’t have a lot of time. Come on, get in.”

            He looks at me, and then walks around the front of my car and climbs in. I love the way his scent automatically fills up my lungs when he’s near me. I take a couple breaths, breathing him in, and then I drive. Maybe I’m too obvious about how uncontrollable I am around him. Maybe I need to be better, be quieter. I feel like every time I talk it’s so obvious how I feel. I pull into his driveway and we both get out of my car and head into his house. When we walk in I don’t sit. I don’t have enough time to start relaxing. And the nervousness rising in my veins now that we’re here, is making me pace like crazy. I don’t know if this was a good idea.

“Louis?”

            The way he says my name is breathtaking. So calming. So deep.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t hate you.”

“I know, you’ve said that.”

“But you stormed out of here, assuming that I was going to hate you or not want to be friends with you because you are gay.”

“No one likes being around gay people. It makes them feel uncomfortable.”

“That’s not true.”

“Well that’s how it’s been my whole life!”

            I didn’t mean to raise my voice. It’s the truth, and it angers me thinking about everything I’ve gone through because I wasn’t a normal straight boy. He’s quiet for a little bit, but he doesn’t take his eyes off me. Piercing me constantly with his green gaze. Finally he talks before I explode from anxiety.

“Louis, I think we’ve both been through a lot. There’s still a lot about me that you don’t know yet. I know it’s easy to quickly judge others, especially based off of past experiences, but give me a chance. Please.”

“You’re so confusing.”

            He scrunches his eyebrows.

“Me? How?”

“When I think that you’re never going to talk to me again, somehow you still want to. I took advantage of you, why would you still want to talk to me?”

“You said that I kissed you too. Even though it was unconsciously, I came on to you and made a move. It’s not entirely your fault.”

“But you don’t understand. I kissed you. Sober. You may not understand or know what you’re feeling but I do. And it’s not about being friends that I’m thinking about.”

            He looked at me, like he was trying to figure this out. Like he was going to come up with a solution to solve all our problems. But he can’t fix this. He can’t fix me. I stood there waiting for something to happen. Wishing that I could just take all this back. I close my eyes, and I brace myself for what I’m going to do next. I’m going to walk out. I can’t be here anymore, and he clearly needs to think a lot of this over. When I open my eyes, I’m prepared to tell him that I am going to leave, but my view keeps me from moving. Harry. He moved so silently I didn’t hear him. Right up in front of me, practically touching me. Face to face. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move.

“Please. Don’t leave.”

            My body was malfunctioning. I was electrified. I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t have to. Within seconds of talking he scrunched his eyebrows again, then lifted his hands to my face, holding me still, and kissed me. If he hadn’t been holding me I would have melted into a puddle. But he was holding me, keeping me up, keeping me from falling apart. I tried not to kiss him back to much, I didn’t want to overstep anything. I barely knew why he was doing it much less where he wanted to go with it. So I let him kiss me, and I let him lead me.

            It was soft, just like before. His lips shaking a little as they touched mine. He pulled away for a second to look at me, and I couldn’t move I was in such a daze. My insides were fluttering, I felt like I was high on him. I waited for him to let go, but he came in again unexpectedly. And this time it was a little faster, a little harder. He pushed me a little more, and he let his tongue dance into my mouth. After a little he pulled it back and I sucked on his bottom lip again, feeling the lip ring with my teeth. He pulled away again, and this time he took a step back. I knew we were done. But where does this leave us? I decide to be the first to talk, hoping to clear the air.

“You don’t have to fake it to please me.”

            That looked like it hurt him a little. He looked so young and innocent right now, and so unsure of anything.

“I wasn’t faking it. I mean…I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, but I wasn’t faking it to make you happy.”

            My phone vibrates and I look down and realize that it’s already two forty-five. Fuck.

“I have to go.”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I have practice. I have to.”

“Will you come back later?”

“I don’t think I can.”

            He looked so sad. All I wanted to do was be here but I can’t. I have other people relying on me and depending on me. I wish I could give it up to be here, to be with him. But that isn’t an option. He was looking at me but I couldn’t stand there any longer. I walked out of his house and I got in my car to head to practice. That was my only choice right now. Everything else was still uncertain.

            When I got to practice I felt like everyone was looking at me strangely. Like they could all tell I kissed another guy just now. I tried to pretend like everything was okay, but I was not okay. We did warm ups and then some scrimmage games. Then I had them do suicides across the field before our last part of the practice which was the running. Because this game isn’t in season, we don’t have a coach. I am technically the coach right now, so that’s why everyone is waiting for me to tell them what to do. If this were in season, our coach would be leading us and giving us plays and tips, but at this moment, it’s all me.

            I lead the team down the usual route we go down, the one that passes Harry’s house. I scream at them to keep up and to keep running, trying to encourage them as much as I can. I yell in anyone’s face that’s slowing down, and I try to give off enough energy for everyone to absorb. As we go to pass Harry’s house, I’ll admit I yell a little louder, hoping he can hear me. But I don’t see him in any of the windows, so I don’t know if he did.

“Alright everyone, keep running! The game is a month away, we don’t have time to waste! We need to be in the best condition that we can! Not just so that we can win, but so that we can get the prize! Let me hear you scream!”

            The team screamed! They cheered. They were pumped. We haven’t won in a while, and we were dying for a taste of victory. We finished our run, and we put our hands in together, and cheered as one. Then everyone went home. Practice ended a little early, but was it enough time to make it to Harry’s again? I already told him I wouldn’t be able to, but he looked so helpless. How could I leave him? I got in the car and all I could think about was Harry. I went back to his house, knowing I would be punished for being late.

_Knock. Knock._

A small part of me always fears that he won’t open his door for me when I knock. But thankfully I don’t need to worry about that tonight. I hear him walking to the front of his house, and then he opens the door up. My mind always flashes back to the first time that I was here and he opened the door up shirtless. I’m sure he didn’t think anything of it, but I could barely speak I was so flustered. He looked so attractive in his sweatpants, but I’ll admit I wanted nothing more than to take them off of him.

“Hey.”

“I don’t have a lot of time to be here.”

“That’s okay. Thanks for coming back.”

            I stepped inside his house, and this time I sat down on the couch.

“Louis, I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’ve got a lot of different thoughts running through my head, and I’m sorry that I can’t be more sure of what I am.”

“You’ve always been sure of who you are, why would that change now?”

“Because there’s a lot of dark places that I haven’t been to in a while. And this is opening them all up for me again. And I don’t know if I can go back there.”

“What are you talking about?”

            He sits down next to me on the couch, and he stares straight ahead at his fingers. He fidgets with them a little bit, but then doesn’t move at all. As if his mind is completely somewhere else.

“Want to share stories again?”

            He asks, and I automatically think about that time on the hill.

“Yeah.”

            I waited for him to start, and even though I’m sure he didn’t want to, he went first anyways.

“When I was younger, I had a lot of friends. I wasn’t the popular kid or anything, but I was normal. No one thought anything different of me. I had this one friend in fact, his name was Nick. We were best friends. I spent all my time over his house, and our families were also good friends. This was when my parents were still married and we lived in your neighborhood actually.”

“I didn’t know you lived in Mallards.”

“Yeah, my Dad is a lawyer. We used to live in a nice house before.”

“So what happened?”

“Well my parents were always arguing. They tried to hide it from me, but I could hear them at night, when they thought I was asleep. They never slept in the same room and they barely talked to each other unless they were arguing over something. But they tried to make it seem like they were working it out. And for a while I thought they would.”

            He stopped talking. Zoning out again. I wonder how hard this is for him to talk about.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No it’s fine. I just haven’t thought about this stuff in a really long time, that’s all. Sorry I stopped. Where was I? Oh yeah, so my friend Nick and I used to hang out at his house all the time, mainly to keep me away from my parents and their issues. For years we hung out, and everything was fine. But around the time I turned thirteen, Nick started to act different. He stopped wanting to hang out as much, he started stealing his older brother’s weed and was smoking it all the time, he distanced himself a lot from me. I was getting really nervous that he might be heading down a wrong path, so one day when his family wasn’t home, I went over. I confronted him about everything that had been changing and I asked him what was wrong. We started yelling, and he kept telling me to leave but I wouldn’t. He threw a couple punches at me and suddenly it was an all-out brawl. I thought he was mad at me for something, and he was just taking his anger out. But then, then there was a point where he was sitting on top of me, holding me down, and he stopped fighting me. Instead, he held my hands down, and he kissed me. He stole my first kiss from me. I was shocked. I didn’t know what it meant, I didn’t know how I felt about it, I didn’t even know what being gay was. He finally got off of me but then he started kissing me again. I was torn. I didn’t want to stop him because I didn’t want him to be mad at me, but I didn’t want to keep kissing him. He didn’t even ask or talk to me about it. He pulled me on top of him on to his bed, and I was about to stop him. I didn’t want to go further, but then I heard a woman gasp and I turned around to find his Mom. She saw me, on top of her son, kissing him. I was kicked out instantly, and banned from their house.”

“Wow, Harry I’m so sorry.

“Ha, yeah well, that’s not really the worst of it. His Mother loved to exaggerate stories. Before the next day had even come, the whole town was informed and had heard that I had raped Nick, and that she had to pull me off of him. When my parents found out, they didn’t believe me. After everything else that had been happening, they couldn’t handle this either. People stopped talking to my parents, they stopped acknowledging us as people, and we were pretty much ostracized. The pressure of all of it tore them a part, and my Father divorced my Mother, and left her and me with nothing. He wanted nothing to do with me at all.”

“Didn’t Nick say anything to defend you?”

“No. The day before he moved he came over and told me he was sorry, and then he left. He and his family went off to somewhere else, so they could leave behind the horrors and memories of the town and me. They all played it off as if they were victims, but they were the ones causing problems. That’s why everyone here hates me. That’s why no one talks to me. Because they all think I’m some rapist.”

“I didn’t know you’d gone through something like that.”

“Yeah well I assumed people would have already told you to stay away from me.”

“No, no one really says anything about you if that makes you feel any better. But I think they might be too scared to.”

“Well good, that’s what I want.”

“Really? You’re not scaring me away very well.”

“You understand me. You believe me. You’re the only person I’ve let in since then.”

            To think that Harry could possibly be as damaged as me. I’m not comforted by his story, but I’m comforted by the fact that he trusts me as much as I trust him.

“It’s a good feeling to let someone in.”

“Yeah…well, it’s your turn.”

“Where do I begin? Hmmm. When I was younger, my family was a lot saner than it is now. My parents were strict but in the right ways. They just wanted us to be good children with good morals. My older sister and I were in catholic private schools and we were friends with all the right families, and we were involved in all the right extracurricular activities. We were good kids, and people kind of envied our family for seeming so perfect. But they were wrong. At an early age I knew I was different, I knew what I was interested in. I used to trick my friends into kissing me and one time my teacher caught me and another boy behind a tree with our lips locked. She called our parents immediately to inform them of our sins. The school had asked my parents to withdraw both me and my sister from their facility, and to find another place more willing to let such indecencies slide.  I felt bad that my sister had to be punished as well for my own mistake, and she had to make new friends all over again. But she told me she was getting bored of her friends anyway, and not to worry about it. She was always caring like that, trying not to let her emotions weigh on other people. The next school we were enrolled in, I managed to keep it to myself for about two years before one of the boys had made a move at me. We were eleven and we were sneaking around places and meeting up during school hours, to sneak a kiss in the bathroom, or on the staircase. Another student had saw us one time and told some of their friends who told other friends who told everyone and eventually their parents. Once again I was transferred to another school. My sister was fourteen at the time, and she was heading to high school anyways, so it wasn’t a bad time to be moved. Again, she didn’t hold a grudge towards me. However my parents didn’t take the second incident so lightly. They let the first time go by, assuming it was just a thing little boys do. The second time we were older, there was purpose, and my parents wanted to rid the devil out of me. Because they were afraid that they had been soft on me, and that is why I had been kissing boys, they tightened their reins a lot. On my sister as well. We had schedules that we had to keep to, we couldn’t go out or over to friends’ houses. Occasionally friends could come to ours but we all had to be supervised. My parents started to lose their admirers because people were realizing our family wasn’t perfect, and so they turned to other things to keep them happy. My Mother found pain killers, my Father found alcohol. This was the time that they first started to hit me. Every time I made a mistake, whip. Every time I was not on schedule, smack. My sister wasn’t affected because to them she had been the golden child, but really, she was just going unnoticed because my parent’s eyes were constantly on me. When my sister hit seventeen, she was in the middle of her senior year. She had a boyfriend, but my parents didn’t know. I knew, because we were at high school together, but I was sworn not to tell. She used to sneak out at night through her window and go hang out with him for hours. I had started sneaking around with another guy, but I was extra cautious not to be caught this time. I made sure we would never be caught. But the guy I was with started to become too involved. He wanted to be in a relationship and I didn’t want that. I didn’t love him enough for that, and there was no way I could manage it. He just didn’t understand that though. He came over to my house once, uninvited, hoping that we could hang out. My parents figured out what had been happening and told him to leave immediately. Once again we were moving, once again they were transferring me. But this time my sister refused to go along. She had her boyfriend, she wasn’t leaving him. And she wasn’t transferring months before she had to graduate. My parents gave her an ultimatum, that if she didn’t come with us then she would be disowned from the family. So of course she packed her bags that night, and left without saying goodbye.”

“That’s crazy.

“Yeah. My parents didn’t see it coming at all. They hadn’t been watching her, so when she said she was leaving, it was the last big hit to them as parents. Something inside of them cracked. They had been hitting me occasionally, but after that, when we moved here, it was completely different. They lost their daughter, they finally realized that their son was gay and it wasn’t just a phase, and they came to the conclusion that they had been too easy on us. That they needed to be more strict. At first they were beating me to the point that I would black out. But one time I had to be sent to the hospital and they got to nervous that the feds would come and arrest them for child abuse. So they eased up on me. They blame me for everything. And to be honest, I don’t blame them for that.”

“You shouldn’t say that. You’re parents are fucking psychotic. Your sister did the right thing by leaving, and you should to. You don’t deserve to be treated the way that you are.”

“I have nowhere to go. She did. And besides, I already told you. If I want a future, I have to stay. I’ve got no other choice.”

            I looked at my phone and decided that it was time I needed to leave. I was going to get a lot of shit for this.

“Harry, I don’t mean to cut this short, but I have to leave now.”

“That’s okay.”

“See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Bye.”

            I walked out of his house and got in my car. I sped to get back home, but I couldn’t tell what was spinning faster, the wheels on my car or the thoughts in my mind. When I got inside, I didn’t care what my parents were going to do to me. Today was surprisingly a good day, and I am not going to let them ruin that.  

“Oh dear, it seems our son has finally come home.”

            My Mother starts talking first.

“You’re right my darling. Let’s see, what time is it…hmmm seven thirty.”

“Yes. I believe your curfew is when practice is over, at five o’clock. Well that just won’t do.”

            My Mother slaps me in the face. But I can tell that tonight, it will mostly be my Father punishing me. He takes off his belt and I brace myself for the pain. Two nights in a row of getting whipped, they must really be pissed at me.

“Louis, one day you are going to thank us for all that we have done.”        

            I don’t say anything, I just clench my jaw as I hear him pull his arm back. Within seconds, my wounds from yesterday are reopened and I’m on the floor.

 


	12. Chapter 12

            Today is Friday, the last day of the week. Which means I’m available to do whatever I want this weekend…well, within my rules. I arrive to school and I completely skip going to homeroom. I go straight to history and wait until the bell rings so that I can be there first to get a seat next to Harry. He comes in only a couple seconds later and is a little surprised to see my change in position.

“That’s not your seat.”

            He smiles a little and it’s the cutest thing in the entire world. His dimples deepen and his face brightens just the slightest bit.

“I don’t want to sit back there anymore.”

            I smile back and start getting my notebook out and ready. Thankfully this isn’t a seat someone had before. No one ever sat next to Harry. When my friends come into class they look at me confused and then they look at Harry oddly.

“Yo, Louis. What are you doing?”

“My eyes have been hurting a lot lately, so I wanted to sit a little closer to the class.”

            Then they cut closer next to me, placing their bodies as barriers between us so that I can’t see Harry. And then they whisper, but still loud enough to notice.

“But why are you sitting next to him?”

            They point behind them like they are trying to be secretive about it, but I know Harry could hear them.

“What’s wrong with sitting here?”

            They both look at each other and then shrug their shoulders.

“Whatever man.”

            When they walk down towards their seats and Harry comes back into my view, he looks sad. I wanted to be more affectionate to him but sitting here was already causing a scene. I stared at his face for a while, hoping he would turn to look at me but he didn’t. I didn’t change my focus though, I watched Harry the entire period. Observing his lips, his hair, and his bolded eyes. I really did like the eye liner on him to be honest, but his eyes without them looked so beautiful. So natural and clear. So innocent.

            When the period was over Ms. Cleary asked me to stay so thankfully I didn’t have to make up an excuse as to why I wasn’t walking with my teammates to my next class. I tried to give Harry a sign to wait for me, but he walked out without looking at me still. I packed away my notebook and put my backpack on, before walking over to the teacher.

“Louis, thanks for waiting after class.”

“No problem, what’s up?”

“Well, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I just wanted to say a couple things about Harry.”

“Huh, okay.”

“You see, he’s a good kid. I know he’s a good kid. And I was so happy when you volunteered to take his work to his house when he was suspended, but I don’t want you making things harder for him. I was hoping maybe you two could become friends, but it makes me nervous. After what I saw earlier, I thought I would just warn you.”

“I understand where you are coming from. I am not trying to make things hard for him, trust me.”

“Okay…well good. Alright well you can leave now.”

            I’ll admit that that was probably the strangest thing that’s happened thus far. Why did she care so much about that? I mean I’m glad someone is looking out for Harry, but I don’t know. That was just weird. I head out of the classroom, walking fast so that I’m not too late for next period, when I realized that there is someone outside the room up against the wall. Harry.

“You waited for me?”

            He doesn’t look me in the eyes. He looks even more upset than before. Did something happen?

“You volunteered to take the stuff to my house?”

“Huh?”

“I heard her say that to you.”

“Oh. Uh, yeah…I did.”

            He pushes himself off the wall and starts walking fast away from me.

“Wait, are you upset over that?”

“You lied to me.”

“What?”

“You said you were nominated. You made me think it happened by chance. But that’s not it, is it? You wanted to come to my house. Was that the plan this whole time? To get me to get close to so that you could mess with my head, and then try and use me for your own needs?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not using you! Yeah, I volunteered because I didn’t think anything of it, and also because I always secretly wanted to know you more. You always were interesting to me, but I didn’t have some fucking plan to do all this shit and fuck with your head!?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you thinking that I’m like Nick? That I’m gonna fucking take advantage of you and then pull some shit like he did? Is that what you’re thinking?”

“I don’t know…I don’t know what I’m thinking.”

            I am so fucking mad. Why would he ever compare me to that fucking douchebag of a friend? I would never do that to someone!

“Harry, are you serious?”

“Yes! You can’t tell your friends that we are friends! You are so secretive about us, and on top of that you kissed me without my fucking permission. Why can’t people just ask me? Let me decide who I let in or not?”

            I apologized. I apologized for that. And had I known that someone took advantage of him, I wouldn’t have done it. I just wanted to kiss him so bad, and yeah, I didn’t want him to know that I was doing it because I was afraid he wouldn’t let me. That’s terrible I’ll admit, but I told him and then he kissed me back! I respond back to him but I don’t yell this time. I talk quietly, calmly. Trying to keep myself from making matters worse.

“I thought you wanted to let me in.”

            He looked at me, his mouth slightly ajar. I walked away from him after he didn’t say anything. What the hell is his problem? He really needed to act like this now, and of all places? I was late for my next class, but I skipped it and just left school. I snuck out through some side doors and managed to get to my car without anyone noticing. I went home, and even though my Mother was home, I knew she’d be sleeping. And she wasn’t going to be waking up anytime soon.

            I quietly went inside my house and I ran upstairs into my bedroom. I have a bathroom attached to my bedroom, so I dropped my backpack on the ground and I went inside the bathroom and locked my door. I needed a way to release the stress. A way to numb the pain. Once inside the bathroom, I did some things that I don’t like to admit to even myself. But after a couple minutes, I felt better. I felt numb.

*                *                      *                      *

            I went back into my room and I opened my window and snuck out onto my balcony. Occasionally I do this when I feel super trapped. I lay down on the roof and I just look up at the sky, and suddenly I feel so small in comparison to the rest of the world. There’s going to be a time, I know, when I can leave all of this behind. I just wish it would come sooner rather than later.

“Louis?”

            I rush back in through my window before my Mother opens my bedroom door. Fuck. I didn’t know she’d be awake.

“Yeah?”

            I open my door and find my Mother looking terrible. Her eyes are bloodshot, her hairs a mess, she reeks of alcohol and she looks like she hasn’t slept in days.

“What are you doing home?”

“I didn’t feel well.”

“Oh, alright. Next time you need to call me first. I had a panic that a robber was in the house.”

“Okay.”

“You hate me, don’t you?”

            I was taken aback. She never says stuff like that.

“I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around.”

“That’s upsets me. That you think that. That you think it’s because we hate that we do what we do. I mean, I am upset with you. But if we hated you, we wouldn’t have transferred you so many times so that you could start over, and we wouldn’t have tried to help you as much as we have.”

“I never asked to switch schools. You were the ones that moved me because you didn’t want people to know that your son was a fag. You were the ones that beat me senseless because you thought that it would turn me straight. That’s not helping.”

“I wish you didn’t see it that way. I wish you could see it from my point of view.”

“You are constantly drugged or drunk. Why should I take into account your inebriated mental state? If you were sober and thinking clearly, then maybe I would consider your side of the story.”

“How dare you talk to me like that?! I am your Mother, you need to respect me!”

“And I am your son, respect me!”

            I slam my door in her face and lock it. She tries banging and slapping on it, but it won’t open. But I also know that she has a master key, so I quickly shove clothes in my bag and leave out my window. It’s a far jump from the roof to the ground, so I try to shimmy down the side gutter as much as possible before jumping down. My ankles hurt when I hit the ground but when I hear my Mom yelling my name from up above I run straight through the pain and get into my car.

            School isn’t over yet so I drive to the pizza place and get two slices of chees to eat. I’m not really hungry, but I wanted something to do. I wanted somewhere to go. There’s only about an hour left of classes and so I sit and take my time at the pizza place. Eating my slices slowly. It kills about twenty minutes, but not enough. I sit for another ten minutes and then I feel the owner watching me and I get that I’m probably unwanted at this point. I throw out the paper plate and then I walk up to the counter and buy a third slice to go. It takes another ten minutes down. Only twenty minutes left till class is out, and it will take some time for me to get over there. Perfect.

            I get back in my car with the slice of pizza in the passenger side. I drive for fifteen minutes until I get to the main road where the school is. I slow down as I see kids coming from all directions, leaving the premises. I drive a little bit until I see who I came for. Walking out of the building, I see him spot my car, but then he keeps walking past me and across the street into the neighborhood. I take a left turn and pull up next to him but he doesn’t stop so I have to keep driving slowly along with him. I roll down my window and talk out to him.

“Harry! We should talk!”

“No.”

“Please. I got you pizza, let’s go to the hill.”

“Are you serious?”

            He stopped and turned right to me. I stopped my car.

“Yeah, I am.”

            As usual, he gives in. I grab the pizza before he opens the door, and when he gets in I hand it over to him to eat.

“Thanks.”

“I left school a while ago and got myself a couple slices, figured I could at least get you one.”

            He ate and we didn’t talk again while I drove out to the hill. I figure it’s a good time to go because everyone heads home during this time. People don’t go over there till way later at night. When we pull up, we get out of the car and start walking to the clearing. It’s not a really nice day or anything, but the temperature is cool which makes it feel good to be outside. We sit down like we did last time. I take in his beauty instead of the view. That’s all I want to see right now.

“So…”

            I start off, hoping he’ll go from there. He has his feet on the ground, and he legs bent up so that he can wrap his arms around his knees to hold his back up. He’s wearing ripped and washed out jeans, with a black long sleeve shirt. He doesn’t have a scarf on today. I didn’t notice early. I looked at his neck and there were still fading bruises, but no one would know what they were actually from.  He looks out across the sky, and I wish I knew what he was thinking. Then he takes a deep breath and looks back at me.

“I shouldn’t have said that to you. But it just sounded like it. I know you’re not Nick, I just… I got scared.”

“I’m never going to put you through what that guy did. I promise.”

            He smiles a little but he’s not happy. Something’s still bothering him.

“Harry? Did you have feelings for him?”

            He looks at me in the eyes, almost like he’s scared. But then he relaxes his shoulders again and takes a few breaths before responding.

“I don’t really know. Like, I know I enjoyed spending time with him. We had a lot of fun. And I really cared about him. But until he kissed me, I never thought about him like that. And then after he kissed me, even though at the time I didn’t want to, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wanted to hate him so much for what he and his family were putting me through, but I could not stop thinking about kissing him. And I hated myself for that.”

“You know, I always knew. I always looked at boys differently, and when girls would tell me they had crushes on me, I never thought anything of it. But it’s like you weren’t given a choice. You were forced to experience something first, and that’s all you know. But you don’t necessarily know if you don’t like girls either.”

“Yeah, I mean, the thing that happened with Nick, you know I was so young. I hadn’t really dated a girl, I hadn’t kissed a girl yet. And afterwards, no one wanted to be around me that the opportunity never happened. But I don’t know, I mean, it’s like I can’t figure out what I want. Like I wish it could just be wrong or right, yes or no, but it’s not to me.”

“Like I said, I think it’s because he forced it on you. You didn’t get to come to terms with yourself yet. Or maybe, you know what you want and you know what you are, and you just don’t want to face the truth.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not saying you’re gay or straight. I’m just saying that maybe you do know which one you are, and you don’t want to believe it because there’s something telling you that you wish you were the other.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Like when you kissed me the other day. Just because you kissed me doesn’t mean you’re gay. You probably wanted to kiss me because you wanted to make me happy, but deep down you may know you’re straight. You might not want to admit you’re straight though because that might mean that you wouldn’t be able to give me what I want. You wouldn’t be able to be with me the way I want to be with you.”

            He turned his attention away and thought for a while about what I said. It’s true. I know lots of people who didn’t want to admit what they were because there was some part of them that wished they were something else. And they tried to be what they wanted but you can’t help who you love. My parents tried to force me with girls on numerous occasions, but I can’t pretend to be attracted to them. I can’t pretend to like them. I don’t, and I’m sure of that.

“I think you’re wrong.”

“Huh?”           

            Harry was looking away and out at the world, and I wasn’t sure if he was telling me that I was wrong, or everyone else.

“I think I can be whatever I want. I can love whoever I want. Doesn’t matter if they are a boy or girl. I mean yes, I’ve only gotten the chance to be with a guy, and I may never get the chance to be with a girl. But maybe I do find someone that I find is beautiful and she’s a woman, or he’s a man, why does it matter? Why do I have to define what I am? Why can’t I just be Harry?”

            I smiled and I was a tad bit jealous at how mature he sounded. I wish I could be like that. Choosing whatever I want, making my own paths.

“Alrighty then, so who are you today Harry?”

            He turned to look at me, and then he smiled and so I smiled. And then he even laughed which made my whole day brighten. He bit down on his lip, and kept smiling while he thought about an answer for my question.

“Today, I’m just Harry. And I think I really like you.”

            Heart. Stopped. Breathing. Stopped. My body completely shut down, and then after a few seconds, it started up again, with a force so much stronger than I could imagine. My heart started beating slowly and then it was uncontrollable. My mind had stopped working and then my thoughts were racing like bees. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered endlessly and I realized that I was smiling so much I looked too excited. Calm down! Calm down! He’s just a boy. I shouldn’t be this affected by a cute, adorable, perfect boy. Fuck, I’m losing it. I’m trapped, I’m stuck in a maze. I’m never going to get out of this one.

“Is that so? Well, I think I really like you to.”

            I was smiling insanely. My body felt like it was lifted in the clouds above and I was the luckiest guy in the world. I know I’d been with guys but I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about Harry. I didn’t want to overreact. I didn’t want him to notice just how much he affected me. He was smiling too, and he looked so good. I wanted to sit next to him and start kissing him, but I don’t want to rush him. He’s inexperienced, so I want to go at his pace. No matter how hard it is for me to control myself.

            As we were in our own little world, smiling at each other like it was some form of conversation, my phone vibrated. I looked down and realized that I had ten minutes till practice. Fuck, I forgot about that. I texted a guy from my team and told him to lead the practice without me and then worried next about where I was going to sleep tonight.

“What’s wrong?”

            Harry must have noticed my change in mood. I wish I didn’t have to ruin the moment. Why does reality have to be such a bitch?

“Well one, I’m missing practice. But that’s okay. I don’t want to be there today anyways. And two, I don’t have anywhere to sleep tonight. I got into an argument with my Mom when I was home earlier, so I’m not going back tonight.”

“You can stay with me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. My Mom won’t notice if you’re there or not.”

“I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not, I’m insisting.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“I told you before, if things get too hard at your house, you can always come over to mine.”

“I know.”

            I feel weird at times like these. I’m older, I want to be the one taking caring of Harry, but every now and then he turns around and cares about me and makes me feel young and naïve. Like he’s the older one watching out for me.

“Well if you want, we can head back to my house now.”

“Okay, that sounds good. We should probably do our history homework together, maybe it’ll go by faster.”

“Yeah. Or we could do something else.”

            I try not to get too excited, because I’m not sure if he means something else or _something else._

“Oh yeah, like what?”

            I smile stupidly again. I know I am. I try to move my mouth around to keep my face from grinning but it doesn’t work. He laughs again and I’m losing it.

“Ha ha, well I guess you’ll just have to see.”

            I bite my lip so hard. I try not to be excited. I try not to smile and run up to him and kiss him and go crazy. My insides are jumping around. I’m ecstatic!

“Okay, let’s go.”

            I get in the car and wait for him to put his seatbelt on before I start driving. I play the music and start humming a lot to a song on the radio. I cannot control how happy I am right now. I don’t remember ever feeling this happy in my entire life. Harry starts singing along to the song too and I try to listen over the radio, to hear his voice.

“You sound really good!”

“Huh?”

            I turn down the volume

“Your voice, it sounds really good.”

“Oh thanks.”

“Will you sing for me one of these days?”

“You really want me to?”

“Only if you want to.”

“Maybe.”

            He smiles at me, and I crumble.


	13. Chapter 13

            We get back to his house and he comes up to me and kisses me before I’ve fully gotten through the door. I can’t control myself anymore, my desires are pouring into my veins and I kiss him so fiercely. I put my hands on his face as he puts his hands on my hips, and we stand there locking lips for a while. Suddenly he pulls away to say something.

“Let’s go to my room.”

            Oh my god. Oh my god. I mean I know I’ve been in there before, but now I have intentions. And they are not pure. I smile and follow him up to his room. My body is shaking, I’m so nervous and excited I don’t think my muscles know how to react. We ran up the stairs but once we were in his room, we moved slowly again. I waited for him, making his move. Following his lead.

            He kissed me again, this time using his hands to explore places on my body. I tugged at the bottom of his shirt. Wanting so badly to take it off of him. But I restrained. I just let my hands hold on to there, but I didn’t pull it up. Harry was inexperienced, I could tell by how he was kissing me. Trying new things, putting his tongue in my mouth, sucking on my lip, licking my lips. He was driving me crazy.

            The hairs on my body were all raised. I had goose bumps everywhere. There was so much energy flowing between us I didn’t know what to do with all of it. Harry must have felt me tugging at his shirt because he stepped back quickly, and then pulled his unbutton outer shirt off, and then pulled his white t-shirt up and over his head. My mouth slightly dropped open. He was teasing me in more ways than he knew. I started to kiss him again and then I pulled away to start kissing him on his neck, and then lower down his body. He started to moan and my body couldn’t handle it. I was sucking on his skin, leaving marks everywhere, but I wanted more. I needed more.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

            We were both a bit out of breath.

“Am I going too fast for you?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Go as far as you’d like, I’ll tell you when to stop.”

            He smiled and my whole restraint was broken. Everything was unleashed and I needed to act on it. I lead him onto the bed and then I had him lay down. I started kissing him again on his neck and then I travelled further and further down his body. When I get to where the top of his pants were, I went all in line, kissing him from one side of his hips to the other.

“Wait.”

            I lifted my head from his body.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No. Take off your shirt.”

            Shit. I just went from really excited, to really panicked way too fast.

“That’s okay.”

“No, come on. I took mine off.”

            He was so sexy, and I wanted to do things to him. I wanted to corrupt him. But I very well couldn’t do any of that with my clothes still on. I took a deep breath, and then I lifted my shirt up. At first he could only see my front, so it wasn’t so bad. But then he noticed a wound that wrapped all the way over to my ribs, and once he spotted it, he followed it all the way to my back.

“Oh my god.”

            I haven’t looked at my back in the mirror in a really long time. I don’t want to know what it looks like. I don’t want to see the marks. I don’t say anything in response, my nerves are keeping me still. Harry sits up and gets closer to me. He sticks his fingers out and I can feel him tracing lines with his fingertips.

“Louis, is this what they do to you?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“You can’t possibly think that this is okay. This is abuse, this is terrible.”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

            He shifts his body so that he is in front of me now.

“I will never hurt you.”

            That was the first time I ever truly believed those words.

“I hope not.”

            I smile. Trying to make a joke out of it, but he looks so seriously at me. Examining my face, trying to read my thoughts. He doesn’t talk, instead he comes close and kisses me again. But this time, it’s not just to kiss me. It’s a promise. We kiss lightly for a couple seconds, and then he manages to get me laying down on the bed this time. Despite my self-consciousness, I try to ignore my thoughts, and just focus on Harry. He’s copying what I did to him. Kissing me at my neck, and slowly working his way down. When he gets to my pants, he undoes the first button, and then pulls down the zipper. I want to stop him, because I know what more is to come. But there’s nothing worth hiding anymore.

            He pulls down my pants and pulls them off of my legs. When he focuses back up my body, he stops and notices the lines of scars on my thighs. I don’t say anything this time, and neither does he.  He just stares, and then, starts kissing them. Making me feel so vulnerable. Each line, over and over again, he lays his soft lips on and presses against me. I lift his head up and start kissing him on his lips again. And then roll over so he’s once again on his back. I’m determined to finish what I started.

            This time I take his pants off and then I stare at him in his boxers. In that instant I wanted to be Harry’s first so bad. I wanted to be the first person to touch him there, or kiss him, or make him feel something that he hasn’t experienced yet. I wanted him to experience everything with me. I put my fingers at the top of his boxers and slide my finger under the elastic back and forth, testing him. Hoping that I wasn’t going too far. Once I could tell that he was okay with it, and he started to bit his lip ring, I ripped them off of him.

            I didn’t wait long after I got him completely naked, to start kissing him around his pubic area. Trying to tease him a little. Then I grabbed his dick in my right hand, and I started to slide my palm up and down, feeling his soft skin in my hand. He moaned out loud and I was so turned on I practically came before anything happened. His deep moans were so sexy, I kept touching him just to hear his voice, and to see his eyes roll into the back of his head.

“Does that feel okay?”

            He smiled and bit his lip again.

“Yeah.”

            I should have just gave him a handjob, take things step by step, but I wanted to suck his dick so bad. I wanted him to cum and I wanted him to make me cum. I rubbed up and down on him for a little bit longer and then I gave in to my own selfish desires. I opened my mouth and licked the tip of his dick. Then I slid my tongue all over, making him wet. His moans got louder and louder and I was having such a hard time keeping myself from exploding.

            After he was all wet, I licked my own lips before sliding his dick fully into my mouth. Instantly he grabbed the top of my head and pulled my hair. I loved making him feel this way. I moved my head up and down and sucked on him, all at the same time. His skin was soft and wet, he slid in and out so smoothly. But his dick was too big to fit it all, so I went as far down on him as I could without choking. The entire time he gripped my hair and was yelling out. I started to quicken my pace and tighten my lips, so that it could feel good for him. I lifted my head off of him towards the end and started using my hand to jack him off. My grip was tight around him and because my mouth made him so wet, my hands could slide along him faster. I picked up my speed and watched as his mouth started to open wider and wider. And his toes started to curl up. My hands were pumping fast along the length of his dick.

“Oh my god. Oh my god.”

            He started to talk out loud, and I knew I was getting close. I bent my head down again and started sucking on the tip of his dick while my hand jacked off the bottom half of him. He was moaning uncontrollably. I was going faster and faster until I couldn’t go any faster.

“Ahh, uhh, I’m gonna…I’m gonna cum.”

            I kept going and then I lifted my head just as he started to cum. It got all over his body and my hands. He grabbed a towel and cleaned himself off and then let me use a clean spot to wipe my hand. Then he came back to the room and pushed me down on the bed.

“You don’t have to do me.”

“No, I want to.”

            I didn’t want to stop him. I had trouble keeping myself from cuming before, I was hard, all I wanted was for him to touch me. He took my boxers off and smiled at how hard I was. Then he grabbed my dick in his hand. Oh my god, his hands were warm and soft. They felt so good, rubbing up and down on me. He didn’t do it for too long either before he opened his mouth and slid my dick into it. Uuuunnnffff. Ugh, his tongue feels so good licking the side of me. Licking up and down and then at the tip. Oh my god. I’m trying to hold out, but I don’t have too much in me. He starts bobbing his head a little faster and I am already on the edge. Moaning so loudly I think his neighbors might hear me.

            He bobs even faster and my eyes roll back. Unnff, this feels so fucking good. His lips tighten around my dick and I’m over. I tried not to but I start cumming in his mouth, way sooner than I would have liked. He lifts his head up and I open my eyes again, and he runs out of the room quickly, to go spit it out. I grab my boxers and put them back on by the time he gets back.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to cum so fast.”

“That’s okay. I’m just not used to any of this yet I guess.”

“Did it feel good?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

            We both laughed. He put his boxers on and then he got into bed. He moved all the way to the other side and patted on the spot open for me to come sit down next to him. I smiled and I got in to his warm bed. We laid down and I turned my body towards him, and held on to him. We were both exhausted even though it was really early and we hadn’t done any homework. But falling asleep next to him was the best feeling in the world. Feeling safe in my life for the first time, and knowing that there was someone next to me that I cared about, and they cared about me. That’s not something you get to come across too often in your lifetime, and I was glad to be getting the chance with Harry to experience such a wonderful feeling.

 


	14. Chapter 14

          I woke up to sleepy kisses. Before I could really open my eyes, Harry was kissing me on my cheeks and on my mouth with his cold lips. I couldn’t wait to see him next to me, I couldn’t wait to cuddle into him more. We kissed a little bit and then I wrapped my arms around him and just held him close. I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t want to have to ever leave and say goodbye, and fear that I may never get this moment again. But some part of me knows that this can’t last. And so I hold tight, hoping to make the minutes last as long as they can.

“Louis?”

            His voice was raspy. The way he said my name gave me chills. I loved hearing it.

“Mmhmm?”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

            Like he was reading my mind.

“I wish that I could stay for the rest of my life. But I have to go home today.”

“Won’t they hurt you?”

            He turns around so that he can look at me. Pulling away from my arms and our cuddling.

“Probably. But if I stay another night they may call the cops, and I don’t want you to get caught up in my family problems.”

            He licked his lip and then bit on his lip ring, thinking hard about something. Maybe an answer, a solution to our problems.

“I wish there was something more that I could do.”

“It’s okay. You’ve already done enough.”

            I kissed him on his forehead and then turned over and got out of his bed. I pulled fresh clothes out of my backpack, and pulled them on. A pair of black sweatpants and a long sleeve light blue shirt. I tried not to look at him lying in his bed because it was already taking everything I had to start getting ready to go. If I looked over him, I would be consumed by him again and probably never make it out.

“Will you call me or text me later?”

            I wanted to cry. He didn’t know how hard he was making it for me to leave. He looked like a stray, just asking for a place to stay the night. Or maybe that’s how I looked. And he was the sad owner that no matter how badly he wanted to, he couldn’t take me in.

“Yeah. Of course.”

            He smiled at that, and then I waved goodbye. I walked out of his room and out of his house, and it felt like I was using my entire strength to keep me from walking back. Forward is the only direction I can go. I have to remember that. I drove away and tried to think about everything but what I knew I was returning to. A house full of hate, full of anger. A house full of pain. I don’t want to be there. But I have to go home. I have to confront my issues head on.

            I pull up into my driveway and I brace myself as I always do. I try to get my mind in a safe place. I take a ton of deep breaths and eventually I push past the fear and get out of my car, walking up the walkaway and up the front door. I don’t knock. I don’t need to. But I wait just a few seconds on the outside, wondering if it is possible for me to never come back. If it is, it’s not happening tonight though. I shut my eyes, shake out the tension in my arms and neck, and then open the door.

“So you finally decided to come home? You fucking piece of shit.”

            This was not good. My Mother was intoxicated beyond belief and she came storming up to me. Usually they like to pretend that they are happy while breaking my limbs but there is nothing even remotely pleasant coming from her right now. She walked right up to me and slapped me across my face. She didn’t even think about it. She hit me hard. My Father wasn’t around, it was just her and me at the moment. I didn’t want to bring my face to look at her again, but she started yelling more at me.

“Who do you think you are to disobey me! Huh! You think you’re better than me?! Is that what it is! Fuck you! Fuck! You!”

            She shoved me down on the ground and started punching me and scratching me everywhere. She was stronger than I would have liked her to be, but I was glad it wasn’t my Dad. I just laid there, with my eyes shut tight, thinking about the only thing that could keep my happy right now. She stopped hitting me eventually, and then she started to cry hysterically. Like it was hurting her to hurt me.

“Why can’t we just be happy?”

“Because you can’t accept me for who I am.”

            She looks at me. Her face wet with tears and smeared make up. Her eyes are bloodshot, but they look at me so strong and steady.

“That’s because that’s not who you really are. You chose to be gay to spite us. I know you did. I know you did what you could to piss us off and rebel against our rules.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Louis, you caused all these problems. Everything would have been fine if you just obeyed us. Why can’t you just do that? Why do you have to cause so much trouble?”

            She was trying to make me feel bad for her. She was trying to make me feel like I was this monster that wreaked havoc on her life.

“I will never obey your rules.”           

            I looked at her and said my words as strongly as I could. Trying to keep the fear inside of me from showing. I didn’t have long, the darkness was tearing at my seams and trying to pull me down. I know I don’t have much time, I have to escape soon. She squinted her eyes at me, she couldn’t believe my attitude.

“You are so lucky your Father isn’t here to see your atrocious behavior.”

            I get up, trying to move against the pain. I leave her behind and go to my room. I run into my bathroom and I lock the door behind me. The pressure has been building for so long, I need to release it. I need to let go.

*                *                      *                      *

            Harry texted me five times over the course of last night. I didn’t respond to him once. It’s not that I didn’t want to. I wanted to talk to him more than anything. But he kept asking me if I was okay, and I knew I couldn’t lie to him, or to myself. I was not okay. I am not okay. I woke up this morning and my body hurt. Everything inside and out was sore. I didn’t want to move, but I didn’t want to be stuck in the house all day. I moved slowly out of my bed and took a shower. The water burned on my new cuts. I got out and brushed my teeth, then threw on clothes. Not caring that my hair was still wet, I packed a bag of stuff just in case, went downstairs and started towards the door. Before I could grab the handle, my Father called out to me from behind.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Out.”

            He walked over to me from the kitchen.

“Out, where?”

“I am going to go out to a classmate’s house, so that we can work on our history project together. Is that okay?”

            I tried not to raise my voice, but my attitude wasn’t helping. I was saying every word with extra sass.

“I suppose you can leave the house for a project. You have to be back by dinner time though, the whole family has been invited over to the Samuels for a party. Olivia will be there.”

“Fine.”

            I grab the handle and walk out. Damn. I do not want to go to a family party tonight. But I have no choice. Did I sell my soul to the devil at some point? Because this place sure feels like hell.          

*                      *                      *                      *

“Louis?”

            I had gone straight to Harry’s house. Of course. There was nowhere else I could or wanted to be.

“Are you busy?”

“No, no. Come in.”

            He looked worried. He had on sweatpants and a t-shirt so my guess is that he had just woke up not too long ago.

“Actually, are you interested in doing something outside today? I don’t feel much like being in a house.”

“Oh yeah. What were you thinking of?”

“Well, it’s okay if you don’t want to do this. But I was thinking that maybe we could go down to the school and play a one-on-one game of soccer. I haven’t been practicing in a while and I thought that it might be a lot of fun.”

            His face lit up, and he had a big grin on.

“Yeah, I’d love to.”

            He changed into different clothes, and then put on a good pair of sneakers. He skipped out on the eyeliner today which I was happy about. I loved getting to see his eyes without the make-up. He was so handsome. We got in my car once he was ready, and drove down to the school. We could have walked but I figured if we were really tired at the end, it’d just be nicer to drive then worry about walking back. Plus, my body is still really soar, so I don’t know how much I’ll be able to handle today.

            I park the car and we get out, making our way towards the field. Harry held the soccer ball in his hands, tossing it up and down in the air. He was laughing every time he did something silly, like dropping the ball. He’s so freaking cute. We make it the soccer fields and he drops the ball on to the ground and starts kicking it around.

“Okay, so we should only take this half of the field to play with. I don’t think we need to use the entire field for just us two. And you can start first if you want to.”

“Are you trying to be nice because you think I’m gonna lose.”

            He smiles so wide and laughs again. I love seeing him so happy. It makes me happy and smile and laugh every time I see him do the same. And it’s good because he’s keeping me distracted. Which is exactly what I want.

“Haha, no I am being nice because I’m a nice person. And you’re too cute to be mean to.”

            His cheeks flush a little and my heart races. I can’t control my feelings.

“Well maybe you won’t be saying the same thing when I win.”

            He winks at me, and I feel like I’ve been hit by lightning. Electricity coursing through every fiber of my body. I want to win so bad. Not because I want to show him that I’m a better soccer player, but because I want to win the game to win him. He’s my prize.

“Yeah, we’ll see about that.”

            He bends down and waits, staring into my eyes to distract me from watching his feet. Before I know it he’s running off with the ball, going much faster than I predicted he would. He was laughing so hard as he was making his way towards the goal. But I was going to beat him there. I ran off and started pushing my body way further past its limit. I managed to get ahead of him just enough to kick the ball out from under his feet. If playing soccer was always like this, I could play it for the rest of my life. With Harry, everything was fun and exciting. A game I’ve played a million times suddenly seems brand new with him. How is it possible for one person to change your whole perspective so fast?

            I was laughing and running now with the ball. Harry was waiting for me to run towards him so that he could stop me but I faked to the left and spun around him. He was so fast though. His long legs definitely helped him to catch up to me. Before I took my shot at the goal, he came up out of nowhere and tackled me to the ground!

“No you don’t!”

            Crash! Our bodies were entangled on top of each other and we were laughing so hard.

“I can’t believe you just took me out like that, hahaha.”

“ Haha. I told you, you’re not going to win!”

            He was on top of me and trying to keep me down on the ground. I tried getting him off of me by tickling him on his sides. This time he was yelling and laughing and tears started to trickle from his eyes.

“Oh my god! Ha ha! Stop! Ha ha!”

            He jerked his body and wiggled his way out from my hands. We both stood up and kept laughing for another couple of seconds, all while trying to catch our breaths.

“Tickling is cheating. So you lose.”

“What! That is not in the rulebook!”

“It is now.”

            I started making my way over to tickle him again but someone calls out to me from far behind.

“LOUIS!”

            It was Parker and this other kid from my team. Shit. They were coming towards the field, they both had a giant bag of soccer balls, probably coming to practice around as well. Harry looked nervous, but I tried to keep calm. Pretending as if there is nothing different about us being here versus them. Eventually they make their way up to us.

“Hey Parker!”

“Louis, where have ya been?”

“Oh some family stuff has been going on, wasn’t able to make it.”

            Parker and the other guy looked at Harry nervously.

“New recruit?”

“Harry? Oh no! Haha, we were just messing around. Helping me practice mostly. Have you guys met before?”

            Parker eased up a lot, but the other guy stayed tense the entire time. He didn’t say a word to anyone.

“Oh no, I don’t think so. Hi, I’m Parker.”

“Harry.”

            They both shook hands and exchanged smiles but because of the other guys’ body language, everything was feeling so awkward.

“Well, we are going to get going so you guys can have free range of the field. Be prepared for a tough practice on Monday!”

“Alrighty! Bye!”

            Parker waved happily at us both as we grabbed our ball and headed back to my car. I couldn’t tell how Harry was feeling, so I waited until we were both inside to talk to him.

“Are you okay?”

            He was adjusting his seatbelt and I was reversing my car.

“Yeah, why?”

“You just seem a little upset. Parker’s a nice kid.”

“Yeah, but you saw how they both reacted when they saw me with you. You saw how that other kid wouldn’t even look at me. That’s how everyone is around here. That’s how they all see me.”

            He was looking out the window, gazing off into the passing scenery.

“I don’t think of you like that.”

“I know.”

            He didn’t have to say it, I understood how he felt. It’s nice knowing we have each other, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I can never fix the problems and the damage from the past. I can only try and make his future a bit brighter. We go back to his house and despite my want to kiss him and hold him, we just sit on the couch and watch TV. I don’t stay for very long, because I know that I have to go back to my house by dinner time, so I leave him around four thirty. He makes me promise to at least text him this time, and I hope that I do. But I hope he won’t be too disappointed if I don’t. Depending on how this night goes, I may very well not talk to anyone.


	15. Chapter 15

            You know that scene where Jack Dawson in Titanic is dressed up in nice clothes for the first time and attending dinner with the wealthy? That’s how I feel right now. I’m here, standing amongst all these people, and even though I look the part and play the part, I’m never going to fit in. I’m never going to be like them. And truthfully, I don’t want to be. If I could be anywhere but here, I would.

            My parents are standing over with their other wealthy friends and neighbors in this town, drinking and talking as if everything were so perfect. If only they all knew what really happened behind closed doors. I was forced to be with Olivia tonight but thankfully she ditched me and went to hang out with some of her friends. Currently I am sitting in a chair alone, drinking some champagne. After three or four glasses, the drink starts to float to my head and I’m feeling slightly drunk. While the feeling still feels good, I pull out my phone and text Harry.

“Hey ;)”

“Hi! How’s the party?”

“Good. What are you doing?”

“Playing my guitar. I’m bored.”

“Wish I was there.”

“Me to :(“

“You know what I would do if I was there?”

“Lol what?”

“I would suck on your lip ring.”

“Is that what you want to do right now? Suck on me? ;)”

“More than anything.”

“You should leave the party. Come over.”

“You don’t understand how bad I want to. But there’s no way I can leave. My parents are keeping an eye on me.”

“Can you sneak out afterwards?”

“I doubt it :(“

“Then let me sneak in.”

“You want to come to my house?”

“Yeah, if it means I get to see you.”

“ :) Okay. I’ll text you again when I’m leaving. Shouldn’t be here that much longer.”

“Can’t wait.”

             I have never snuck anyone into my house, but now that the thought is in my head, it’s all I’m thinking about. My parents hardly every knock on my door much less come upstairs to my room. Their bedroom is on the main floor, so I have a lot of privacy. If I could sneak Harry in through my window, then we would be all set. But getting him in will be the hard part. We have a ladder in my garage…maybe if I can get home before my parents, I can run it out to my window and they won’t even notice! Okay, that’s what I’m aiming for. Getting the ladder there, and getting Harry into my room. My parents are deep into conversation but I can tell by the way they both put their glasses of wine down that they will be leaving soon. I take this as my chance to leave.

“Excuse me Mom, Dad. I just wanted to ask if it was alright that I headed home a little early. I’m really quite tired.”

            I put them on the spot by asking them in front of their friends. They had to say yes. They had to act nice. My Mother’s eyes were wide but she grinned anyways, more concerned with her appearance thankfully than her true feelings building inside.

“Huh. Why yes son, I suppose that that would be alright. Right darling?”

            She turns to my Dad, hoping he could say something, but he too is caught by everyone staring at them.

“Yes I think that would be just fine. Thanks for asking us. Get home safe kiddo.”

            He pats my head a little too hard for love, and I turn on my heels and walk as fast as I can out the door. I know that they will be leaving soon now especially because I am. They will probably want to punish me for putting them in such a situation. I get in my car and try to drive as best as I can, but the alcohol is still making me feel a little lose, out of my comfort zone. I hate drinking and diving, I hate drinking. I don’t really know why I decided to do it tonight. Maybe it was the boredom that was getting to me. Maybe I knew I wouldn’t be able to text Harry unless I had a little something to get me going.

     Thankfully I make it home safe. I run out of my car and into the garage, trying to balance holding the ladder steady and not crashing it into other things as I make my way out of the garage again and towards my bedroom window. I hoist it up against the house, and move it so that it’s positioned sturdily at the roof. All he has to do is climb up on to the roof and then through my window. Perfect. I run inside and go up to my bedroom, then I text him to come over when he wants, that a ladder is waiting under my window.

            As I expected, my parents came home only a few minutes after I did. I had already changed out of my clothes when they walked into the house and called me downstairs. Please, whatever they do, be done before Harry gets here. I make sure my window is unlocked and then I head down the steps, in the entryway. My Father looks livid. He talks first.

“Your Mother has informed me of what you have been doing lately. Talking back to her, disrespecting her. I really could not believe what she had to tell me. And then tonight, pulling a move like that in front of our friends. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you asking to get hit? Is that what it is? Do you like when I hit?! Well fine!”

            He punched me. Instantly I fell to the ground. My mind was shaking, my vision was blurry.

“Is that what you want you fucking fag?! Do you like that?!”

            I tried to stand up, but the minute I was getting off the ground he punched me again. I was spitting up blood this time. I felt my face swelling. I felt my mind being bashed in.

“Come on! Get up! Get up!”

            My whole body is shaking. I try to sit up, but I feel like I’m going to be sick. My insides are knotting, my arms are trembling. I can’t see clearly. But I try, I try to get up. I try to be strong. I stand up and something above my dad’s head comes into my view. I see Harry staring, looking at me from my bedroom, my heart stops. His mouth is dropped open, his eyes are scared. I pray my parents don’t find him. I pray he is safe up there.

“You are WORTHLESS!”    

            My Father reels his arm back and gives me his final blow.


	16. Chapter 16

**Harry:**

            Oh. My. Fucking. God. I watch from Louis’ bedroom as his Dad hits him and he drops to the ground. The sound of him getting punched makes my stomach churn. He falls on the floor, dropping hard. He lays motionless as his Dad rolls down his sleeve and goes away somewhere. Louis has blood seeping out from all the spots he was punched. His face is already swelling and bruising. I creep down the stairs as quietly as I can and try to peer around for anyone in his house. I don’t see anyone anywhere, so I rush down the last couple steps right up to Louis.

            Fuck. What if I wasn’t here? What would have happened? And even with me here I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to help him. God Dammit! I run up the stairs again and go and pack Louis some clothes, his wallet, and I grab his keys. Then I go back downstairs and grab him by his arms, and try lifting him up and onto my back. Steadily, but also quickly, I open the front door to his house and then I try to run as fast as I can to his car without being seen. I shove him into the passenger seat and then I get into the front seat, and drive like an animal out of his driveway and onto the road.

            I have never driven before. And as illegal as this is, I need to get him to a hospital. I try to drive as best as I can, but I keep hitting the breaks and stopping short. I’m glad it’s night and not as many people are out on the roads right now. The last thing I am trying to do is risk someone else’s life. The hospital is about another fifteen minutes away so I turn on the radio hoping that it can calm me down as I drive along. Louis hasn’t moved at all. If I couldn’t hear his faint breaths I would think he was dead.

            I can’t believe that his parents do that to him. That they go as far as they do to beat him and break him down. Why would anyone do that to someone, especially their own child? I mean I know my Father can’t even look me in the face anymore, but he never punched me, he never physically attacked me. I just can’t imagine living for as long as Louis has in that house with those people. I don’t know how he’s managed to stay so strong for so long. I reach over and hold his hand quickly, hoping that even though he’s not awake, somewhere in his mind he can sense me and know that he is alright.

I don’t hold on long, reaching back for the wheel before I crash into someone’s mailbox. After what seems like the longest car ride of my life, we get to the hospital. I don’t park, I just pull up in front of the doors and stop the car there. I run inside and grab some of the nurses and start freaking out that they need to help him, that he is dying.

“Please, please, you got to help him! You have to help him, I think he’s dying!”

“Okay, please, please calm down. We will get him right now.”

            One of the male nurses tries to calm me down as four other people go to the car and pull Louis out, lying him on a hospital bed and running him back into the ER. I was crying and once I didn’t have to think about driving, all the emotions inside of me finally hit me head on. It was hard to breathe.

“Okay, please, take deep breathes. Can you tell me what happened?”

“His parents…his parents did that to him.”

            The man looked surprised, and then he started rubbing my back. Trying to comfort me. But I wanted to be with Louis. I know they are trying to help him, but I want to be there. I want to hold his hand one last time, I want to tell him everything’s going to be alright. The male nurse after a while, eventually starts getting up.

“Will you let me see him?”

“When he is stable, I will come get you and take you to him. But you need to wait here for now. We need to take care of him.”

            I rested my arms up on my legs, and started crying into my palms. The image of him dropping to the ground kept playing over and over in my head. I was so excited. I practically ran to his house because I couldn’t wait to be with him. To hold him. I climbed the ladder and I got into his room, and at first I was all excited to be seeing what it was like on the inside of his house. I didn’t hear the yelling until it was already too late. I peered out of his bedroom door, and Louis was standing there, beaten, looking up at me. He looked so helpless. And I just stood there, paralyzed with fear. I should have yelled out, I should have run down and stopped his Dad. Why couldn’t I move my legs? FUCK!

            I sit in the chair for hours. I didn’t move. I was thirsty but I didn’t have money to get a drink from the vending machine. I was hungry but I didn’t deserve to eat. No one has come out to even say if he’s okay or not. I am just waiting and waiting and waiting and this endless cycle of memories plays around in my head. I want it to stop. I try to shut my eyes and I see him on the floor. I open my eyes, and I see him on the floor. I can’t escape the images.

“Are you Harry?”

            A female nurse this time comes over to me.

“Yes, why?”

“Louis is awake. He’s asking for you.”

            She looks concerned. She doesn’t smile or give off anything that Louis may be okay. I follow her through these large doors where on the other side rows and rows of hospital rooms are occupied. She turns into one and I follow her, preparing myself for what I might see next. I walk into the room and Louis looks unrecognizable. Before I’ve even taken two steps I’m crying again. I quicken my pace towards him and take in his swollen eyes and his beaten body. The woman leaves us alone and shuts the door behind her. I grab onto Louis’ hand without even thinking about.

“Louis? Can you hear me?”

“Yes…I’m not…dead yet.”

            He tries to make a joke even though it’s terrible. And he tries to laugh but ends up coughing instead. I can’t stop the tears.

“Please…stop…crying.”

“I can’t. This is my fault! I should have stopped your Father! I saw it, I should have done something! I’d rather him do this to me than to you!”

“Stop, please.”

            I calmed myself down and I gripped his hand a little tighter. I wanted to make this all go away. I wanted to take away everything that was hurting him. Why couldn’t I have the power to do that? To heal him. He fell back asleep and I sat with him, holding his hand for a long time. I didn’t move around too much, because I didn’t want to wake him up. Someone occasionally would come in and check his IV or see how something else was doing, but for the majority of the night it was just us. Well truly just me. At some point, the male nurse from earlier had stopped in. I let go of Louis’ hand when the door opened but I calmed a bit when I saw it was him.

“You seem to be doing better from earlier.”

“Are you talking about me or him? Because I don’t know that I’d say I’m doing any better.”

“Ha, yeah I suppose you’re right. Well, I won’t take up too much of your time, I just need to document some stuff down, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask a couple questions.”

“No, that’s fine.”

            He grabbed a chair and pulled it in front of me. Then he took the clipboard that he had in his hand, and rested against his right knee after he crosses it over the left.

“So can you please tell me exactly what happened again?”

“Well, I don’t how or what started the argument. I was in his room, and I started to hear yelling downstairs. I looked out his door and I saw him standing there, already pretty beaten up. I froze, I should have said something but I couldn’t move. The next thing I know his Dad punched him really hard in his face, and he just dropped to the ground. That’s when I grabbed him and took him here.”

“So you don’t know why they were fighting?”

“No I don’t.”

“And you don’t know what happened prior to what you saw?”

“No sir I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay. I think this will suffice.”

            He stands up and moves the chair back over to where he grabbed it. Before he leaves I call out to him again.

“Wait! Please, please, is there any way that he doesn’t have to go back home with those people? Is there any way he could go, I don’t know, back home with me?”

            He sighed and then lifted his mouth into a half grin.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

            At least I asked. At least I’m trying to get him out of there. If he could just come back with me, then everything would be fine. I mean I’d obviously have to talk to my Mom about it, and it might be weird because we don’t talk about anything so I don’t think she knows I even have a friend, but it could work. It can’t hurt to try.

            I grab on to Louis’ hand again and try to get more comfortable in the chair. Thankfully, I do fall asleep, resting my body for as long as I can. I wish things went as planned. I wish we were sleeping and kissing in Louis’ room right now, cuddled up next to each other. Why did tonight have to turn out this way? This bad? While asleep, my dreams consist of watching Louis, and they all go through different scenarios that I could have done. Me stopping his Dad, me not going at all, me being the one in the hospital bed.

            Around seven in the morning I was woken up by voices. I rubbed at my eyes and then opened them to find Louis talking with the male nurse. I was so excited to hear his voice, but he didn’t look any better from a few hours ago. His face was swollen. Everything bruised and purple and painful. I realized that I held on to Louis’ hand the entire time I was sleeping and he was still holding it now.

“Oh glad you’re up! I talked to some people and it looks like I can’t let you take Louis home for good. However, he can go home with you tonight. We will be informing his parents that he is in urgent care and has to stay over another night, and that he will drive himself home when he’s ready. But Louis, as bad as it looks, you’re going to be okay. You can go home with Harry tonight. Everything should be fine.”

“When can we leave?”

“Not for a big longer I’m afraid. Now that Louis is more functioning, we are going to feel around at some places. We thought some parts might be broken but he needed to rest first. We are going to take some x-rays, we might have to put on some bandages, and then you’re both free to go.”

“Thank you. Truly.”

“No problem.”

            He smiles and then leaves the room. I turn to look at Louis but I can’t tell if he’s happy or sad. His face is just one just swollen mess.

“Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“How are you feeling?”

            He doesn’t move his head around, he keeps it laying down, looking up towards the ceiling.

“I’m alive because of you. I’m feeling great.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

            He sounded so tired and weak. I didn’t want to keep talking mainly because I didn’t want him to keep talking. I wanted him to save his energy. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t straining himself. He tightened his grip around my fingers for a second, comforting me, and then went back to just loosely interlocking. We waited a lot longer before someone came and rolled him out to the x-ray room. I sat waiting in the chair for him, anxious and nervous. Hoping that nothing was broken. By the time they rolled him back, they said they had to go process the pictures so they left us waiting even more. During that time I realized I probably should call my Mom and leave her a voice message, at least forewarning her that Louis was going to be over.

“Louis, I’m just stepping outside the room to call my Mom okay?”

“Mmmm.”

            He just mumbled something back to me but I didn’t understand what he said. I wasn’t going to be gone too long so I stepped out and dialed her phone. Surprisingly she answered.

“Where have you been?”

“You noticed I was gone?”

“Ha, ha. Seriously?”

“Look I’ve been at the hospital all night. My friend’s parents sort of beat the living shit out of him and I took him here. I can’t let him go back to his house Mom, is there any way that he can stay the night at our place?”

“Is this the same boy that was over a couple days ago?”

“How’d you know?”

“His car was in the driveway Harry, I’m not blind.”

“Oh, well yeah. He’s been spending a lot of time at our house, his family has a lot of issues.”

“Alright fine. We’ll talk more when I get home, I have to go back to work.”

            She hung up and I finally felt like I could breathe again. I’m so glad she said yes. I went back into the hospital room as one of the nurses followed in behind me with a folder in her hands.

“Okay, so I’m going to put these up in front of the screen. This way you can see what I’m talking about.”

            She put up two pictures, one of each side of Louis’ head.

“Alright, so here you can see that surprisingly, there are no broken bones. Now with that being said, your jaw is displaced just a small bit so we are going to have to shift it back into place, and you have some minor fractions, but there’s nothing we can do for those. If they were somewhere that would affect you more we would have to give you bandages, but it’s two miniscule cracks in your cheekbones that will just have to just heal themselves. I know it might not seem like it, but you’re very lucky to be walking away in the condition that you are. The swelling will go down a lot by tomorrow, and with medicine, the pain won’t hut at all.”

            She tried to reassure us, and I felt happy that he was going to be okay. But at some point he has to return home, and maybe next time he won’t be so lucky. That’s what scared me the most. That’s what sat heavily in the back of my mind. After that nurse left, some other people came in and started to clean Louis up. They gave him two pills, one for the pain and one for the swelling. Then a doctor came into position his jaw, which Louis yelled out for, and I wanted to start crying again, but then afterwards he was okay. He said he was okay.

            They brought a wheelchair over to the bed and pulled him into it, then helped wheel Louis out to his car. I had to drive again, but this was the only option. The car was still parked out front, I wonder why no one came and asked me to move it. They didn’t say anything though. They helped Louis into the passenger side as I got into the driver’s seat, and smiled and waved when we were all set to leave. I carefully drove away, trying to feel more comfortable in the car, trying to be relaxed.

“Do you even have your license?”

“No.”

            Louis laughed a little and then went back to staring out the window. Is this what it’s like when he’s driving and looking over at me? We made it back slowly and safely to my house, and I helped support Louis on his right side, into the living room. I laid him down on the couch, just in case I needed to get him anything from the kitchen, and so that he could watch TV. Then for the rest of the time I sat next to him and panicked at every move, and every cough. Trying to do anything that I could to make him feel better.


	17. Chapter 17

             My Mom came home around eight tonight which was the earliest I’ve seen her home in a really long time. Louis and I were still sitting on the couch when she walked in. She said ‘hi’ to both of us and then gave me a look that I knew meant she wanted to talk with me privately. I left Louis to watch more TV as I followed her up the stairs into her bedroom. She must really not want Louis to hear what she is going to say.

“Harry, what happened to him!?”

“I told you, his parents. They beat him.”

“You’re serious? Do they know he is even here?”

“No.”

“Harry he has to go back.”

“The hospital is letting him stay with me for tonight. They said he has to go back home tomorrow, that’s what his parents know as well.”

            She looked really concerned and looked at her door as if she could see through it and see Louis on the other side.

“Harry, I can’t. I can’t go through this with you again.”

“Huh?”

“You put me through shit because of the last time you had a ‘friend.’ I’m not going through it again. People in this town are finally looking at me without wanting to burn me at a stake. Things are starting to move on. He has one night to be here and then he’s out.”

            I knew my Mother was really affected by everything that had happened, but I never expected her to hold it against me. I never expected her to use it as a way to keep me from having friends. I mean, yeah Louis and I, I don’t really know what we are, but how can she say that? How can she take one look at Louis and send him back out with those people? I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. My Mom grabbed a couple things in her room and then headed downstairs again. I followed her and sat with Louis on the couch.

“Alright boys I’m heading back to work. Nice meeting you Louis, feel better!”

            She walked out and I realized that she doesn’t care about Louis. I mean obviously, she doesn’t know anything about him. But she cares so much more about her own reputation around here that she would send someone falling apart, back into a danger zone. How could she be so selfish? I don’t care what she says, Louis is staying here for as long as I let him.  I turned to look at him after she was gone, his swelling had gone down slightly but not that much. He looked miserable.

“Louis?”

“Mhmm?”

“Are you tired?”

“Yeah.”

            He sounded so drained. He probably needs to rest.

“Okay, I’ll help you up the stairs. You can sleep in my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

“No.”

            I cocked my head to the side in confusion.

“No? Why, what’s wrong?”

“Stay with me.”

            I couldn’t help but to smile at that.

“Okay.”

            I grabbed his left side and supported him up off the couch and up the stairs. I tried to not to hold too tightly, but just enough that he knew I had a firm grip on him. I didn’t want to hurt him. We got into my room and I helped him into bed. I let him lay on the outer side of my bed in case he needed to get up at any point in the night. Then I climbed over him carefully. I laid down on the inner side against the wall. I adjusted my body so that my head was slightly leaned up against his arm, but I didn’t want to take up too much of his space, so I didn’t get any closer than that.

            I wanted to know what he wanted so badly. I wanted to know if I could kiss him, and if I could hold him and if I could talk to him more, but I didn’t want to pry or annoy. He fell asleep quickly after we had gotten comfortable, but I stayed up all night. I still can’t seem to get the images out of my head. And when I do start to feel like I’m falling asleep, I get nervous that he’s stopped breathing or he’s in pain, and I am wide awake again. All night I worry about him and what he’s thinking or dreaming about. All night I worry that what I’m doing isn’t enough, and that only worries me more.

*                                  *                                  *                                  *

            I wake up in the morning and find that Louis isn’t in the bed anymore. I panic and jump up, running downstairs to see if somehow he left. Thankfully his car is still in the driveway. He’s still here, somewhere. I calm down a little bit but my nerves are still tingling. I run around the main floor and don’t find him, so I go back upstairs and realize that the bathroom door is closed. I leaned my head up against the door to try and listen in but I don’t hear anything, so I knock.

“Louis?”

            Funny, he’s usually the one knocking on my door. He doesn’t say anything so I knock again.

“Louis? You in there?”

            Silence. Thankfully, my door is broken so it doesn’t truly lock, I twist at the handle a bit and then shove against the door, swinging it open. Maybe I should have left him alone because what I see next, I’m not sure I’m prepared to handle. He’s huddle on the floor, arms wrapped tightly around his legs, crying into his crossed over arms. His face is hidden but I can hear it, I can tell. Without thinking, I get down on the floor next to him and wrap my arms around him, and without realizing it, I start crying too.

            With my arms around, I pull him close into me. I want to take away everything. I want to take away all the pain that he is feeling and I want to stop his crying. I wish it was me that all this happened to, and that he could be fine. I don’t ever want to see him like this again. And to think, he was too afraid to cry in front of me. I wish I could make it all better.

“Louis I’m here. You don’t need to worry, I’m right here.”

            He pulls away so I unlock my arms and just sit down next to him. The swelling in his face has gone down a lot, it’s still really bruised, but he’s starting to look more like himself.

“I brought you into this, I’m so sorry.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve dragged you into my own problems and that wasn’t right of me. I don’t deserve you at all. I deserve to be alone.”

“Stop.”

“No. I do. I’m an unlovable person Harry. Can’t you see me? Don’t you see my life now? I’m broken. Physically. Mentally. Why would anyone want to be with someone like me?”

“Because you’re perfect. You may not see it, but when I look you I don’t see someone that is broken. I see someone who is strong. You’ve gone through a lot, you’re still going through it, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. That doesn’t mean that you  don’t deserve to be happy. We’re still young, we have a lot of time left to make this life how we want it. We can fix everything.”

“You can’t fix someone like me.”

            He tries to look away, but I move my hand and gently put my fingers under his chin, pulling his face back towards mine so that I can look him straight in the eyes. I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t find words to express all the things I was feeling, so instead, I pulled his face closer, and I kissed him. Lightly letting my lips comfort his.

            Once he seemed relaxed I helped him up off the floor and grabbed both of us a couple tissues to clean up. When we seemed more together, we headed downstairs. I could tell that he could move better today and it seems that the pain wasn’t bothering him as much. When we got downstairs I poured him a bowl of cereal. Unfortunately my only option of breakfast to offer. I forgot that today was Monday, which means we were both missing school right now. But I didn’t care. I worried more about Louis missing school then I did about myself.

“Are you going back home today?”

            I ask with a heavy heart; because I’d do anything to keep him from going back.

“I have to.”

“Are you going to school tomorrow?”

“Yeah. The game is getting closer and the team is really starting to notice my lack of interest.”

“I wish you could just stay here.”

            He smirks a little. But I was serious.

“I wish I could too.”

            Against all my feelings of wanting to make up excuses to make him stay, I had to let him go. An hour after we ate, he grabbed his stuff and I helped him out to his car. I waved goodbye as he started to reverse out of the driveway, and it took everything in me to not run back up to him and kiss him again or hold him again or say something again. I wanted to stop him, but that would have been selfish. I can’t keep him. I had to let him leave.


	18. Chapter 18

           I slept even worse than I had the night before. My anticipation for this morning and for school was killing me. I wanted to make sure that Louis was there, I wanted to make sure that he was going to be okay. I rushed to shower and throw my clothes on, black jeans and a black shirt with my red and black plaid button down on top. I put my eyeliner on today, licked at my lip and the piercing a couple times, and bolted out of the door. I left way earlier than I probably should have, but I couldn’t stay in my house any longer, the anxiety was killing me.

            I walked fast to school and instead of going inside, I waited for Louis in the parking. Other students started pulling in and parking, and on their way towards the school they were giving me questionable looks but nothing more really happened. The staring didn’t bother me that much, that I could handle. I waited a while, and was getting nervous that he wasn’t going to show up, but finally his black car pulled in. I practically ran up to him in the parking lot, thankful that not was around to see since everyone had already gone inside.

“Louis! I was afraid you weren’t going to come!”

            He got out of his car, his face was still bad but the swelling was predominantly all gone, it was just the bruises and cuts left now.

“Hi Harry. You waited for me out here?”

“Uh, ha, yeah. I was nervous so I came to school really early and then waited for you out in the parking lot. No big deal, just glad to see you here now.”

            He smirked a little but I could tell he was bothered by something. He never seems like he can be fully happy. Always something else in the forefront of his mind.

“Well we better head to homeroom now.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Harry…I’m alright.”

            He put a hand on my shoulder and looked me directly into my eyes, but I still didn’t believe him.

“Will you sit with me again in history?”

            His smile was bigger this time.

“Haha, yeah. Yeah I will.”

            We walked through the doors of the school and then we parted ways. I went down a flight of stairs as he went up. As soon as I got into homeroom, my teacher informed me that I had to go to the principal’s office. Fuck. Not today. Louis will be waiting for me, I wanted to get there early. What have I done this time! I rush over to his office, hoping we can be done quickly. I don’t care what punishment I get, I just want to be back with Louis. I knocked on his door and then helped myself in.

“I didn’t say you could come in.”

            His voice already sounded miserable.

“I know, sorry. But I really don’t want to be late for history. I have a project that I’m presenting.”

            I sat down across from him, trying not to be bothered by him today.

“Oh, so you actually do your school work?”

“Who said I never did my work?”

“Never mind. So…you want to get right down to business? I can do that for you. Detention, after school.”

“What? What for?”

“Two unexcused absences from school.”

“Fine, whatever. I’ll take it. Where do I have to go?”

“Mr. Marks room. He holds detention.”

            You’ve got to be kidding me. Fuck. I was going to be okay with detention, I’ve gone before, I could go again. But not with him. No. No. No. No. No. No.

“No.”

            I didn’t realize I was speaking my thoughts.

“Excuse me? You just said it was fine.”

“Not with him. I have issues with him.”

“You can’t negotiate your punishment.”

“Please. Please, I will stay. Just anywhere else.”

“No! Now get out before I assign you more with him.”

            I stood up and left. FUCK! This is just great. An entire hour after school I’m expected to be with that fucking asshole! I stormed down the hallway, my entire good mood destroyed. I barged into the classroom and took to my seat just before the bell rang, and I didn’t even look over at Louis. I didn’t want him to see it on my face that something was bothering me. I didn’t want him to be ruined by mood as well. I doodled on my notebook the entire class period, but all I could think about was how hot I felt. The angrier I got, the hotter my skin got. I was sweating and I was paranoid, feeling trapped in school. Trapped with that teacher. I tried doodling on my notebook but I couldn’t get my mind to think of anything else but Mr. Mark’s fingers gripping my throat tightly. When the bell rang I tried to jump up and leave, but Louis grabbed my arm and held me back. We let all the other students leave, and then he finally signaled for us to leave at the end of the crowd.

“What’s wrong?”

            We were walking down the hallway. I could not be happier to see that Mr. Marks wasn’t outside of his door like he always is. We passed by and I felt safe for the time being.

“Nothing.”

“That’s hilarious because it’s painfully obvious that’s you’re pissed off.”

“Well I’m fine.”

            Louis shoved me up against a wall, some freshman looked over at the commotion and then walked away.

“Stop lying.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

            I shoved his hands off of me and tried walking away but he pulled me back and shoved me against the wall again.

“No! No leaving until you tell me what’s wrong.”

“I have detention later, that’s all.”

            He let go and scrunched his bruised face in confusion.

“For what?”

“Two unexcused absences.”

“Oh damn. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“You’re literally flipping shit because you got detention?”

“No. Because I have it with Mr. Marks. That fucking douchebag.”

“You’re joking.”

“I wish.”

            I looked down at the ground and then I looked back at him. He was thinking petty hard about something, but there’s no way to solve this problem. I have to go.

“How about I walk you to detention, and then I’ll pick you up after? I have practice so I have to be at the school anyways.”

“Yeah I guess we could try that.”

            My muscles relaxed a little bit but I couldn’t feel calm. I couldn’t stop being fully angry. I looked at Louis, and even though he always has a way of making me feel safe, at this moment, it just wasn’t working. He told me to meet up with him after school outside in the parking lot, so for the rest of the day, all I could think about was the day being over. I stayed quite as usual in all my other classes, hiding in the back row or behind textbooks. I didn’t talk to anyone and no one talked to me. Before Louis this would have been a pretty successful day, going unnoticed. But I hate not talking to him now or not seeing him or not being with him. And even if it’s in school, and even if people are looking, I want to be with him. I don’t know when the exact moment was that he suddenly became my entire life, but when it hit, it hit hard. If I’m not with him, I’m thinking about him. If I’m not thinking about him I’d probably be dead, because even in my dreams I think about him.

            The rest of the day was one giant blur. I wasn’t aware of anything around me, only what was on my mind. Which were two things, Louis and detention. I left my last classroom and made my way out to the parking lot. It was weird walking within a crowd of people over there, I never go this way when I have to walk home. I felt different, like I was stepping into treacherous territory. Unlike this morning, no one looked at me at all for walking this way. They were all with their friends and preoccupied, I was just some background image to their lives. I felt less stressed and then once I saw Louis waiting for me, I was almost completely relaxed. 

            He was standing to the side and smiling at me, and I have to admit my heart melted a little. The more I hang out with him, the more perfect he seems to me. I smile a little back at him, but I can’t forget what I have to do next. And I can’t enjoy this moment fully without having that worrying me. I don’t know when he managed to change, but he was already in his workout clothes for soccer practice. And he had on his shin plates and cleats.

“Hey!”

            He waved at me and then jogged the little distance left between us.

“Hi.”

“Okay, you’re going to be okay. I am going to walk you to detention, and everything will be fine.”

“How are you playing soccer today?”

“Why are you worrying about me? Worry about yourself first.”

“Yeah but there’s no way you should be doing a full practice this soon. You still need to heal!”

“Stop worrying. Seriously. Take a couple breaths.”

            I followed his instructions and took deep gulps of air, letting it come in through my mouth, and pass out through my nose.

“We are going to walk back into the school now. Are you ready?”

“No.”

“That’s the spirit!”

            I don’t know what suddenly changed in him but he was oddly happy. Not that he shouldn’t be, but it didn’t make sense. He was trying too hard. I followed next to him back in through the door and walked by his side down the hallways. When we were just a few steps outside of his room he stopped and turned to me.

“It’s only an hour. I know that’s a lot more time than you’d like to be in there, but it will be over soon. And look, there seems to be other students in there as well. He can’t do anything to you in front of other people.”

            I peered into the doorway and saw that he was right. There were a couple other students taking seats inside. I guess that is a lot better than doing it alone. I take another deep breath.

“I think I’ll be alright. Thanks.”

“Anything for you.”

            He took me off guard and I definitely blushed. I then felt really embarrassed for acting so silly. But he was openly saying he cared for me and in school none the less. That was the last thing I was expecting. He gave me a firm grip on my shoulder before walking away and then I turned and walked into his classroom, hoping to go unnoticed. Of course, I would be hoping wrong.

“Harry. Long time no see.”

            He gives me a face like he’s enjoying what he’s doing. He’s at his desk directly in front of the class, and grinning devilishly at me. I want to spit on his face and stomp him to the ground, but I know in reality I don’t have the strength to take him down myself. I let his comment slide and I take a seat towards the back. There are eight other people in the classroom by the time the bell goes off, informing that after school activities have started. I pull out my homework and decide that its better I just get it done now than later.

            The hour drags on. Within twenty minutes my work had been done and so I sat for the next forty minutes, trying to write lyrics in my notebook. I can’t stand that I am still having trouble finishing a song. That has never happened to me before. Now I can only seem to get a verse I like, or a couple lines, and then it just ends. And I can’t think of anything else to write. Today, all I had gotten that I liked was this, “nothing’s ever easy, that’s what they say. I know I’m not your only, but I’ll still be your fool, 'cause I'm a fool for you.” I don’t really know if I like it. I don’t really know why I wrote it. But I guess it’s something more than nothing.

            The bell rings and I rush to throw my stuff in my backpack. Hoping to leave among the crowd and back out to my freedom. But he’s been watching me the whole time, and I know he’s been waiting for this time when he can get a chance to be alone with me. I start walking to the door and I watch him as a smile stretches across his tainted face. It’s like I’m suddenly in slow motion and I can’t get out the door fast enough. I’m steps away and I’m forcing myself to move faster, but I can’t get there. I can’t make it to my goal.

“Harry, please stay for a minute.”

            FFFUUUUCCCKKKK!!!! I want to rip my hair out! I want to turn around and scream no, and walk out and be fine. But I won’t be fine. Especially not if I do that. The other students don’t do anything as they all walk out, and even though my face is screaming for help, they don’t look at me. They don’t know that I’m slowly dying inside as they all file out. I stand still. Not moving away from the position I stopped in, frozen. He stands up and walks towards me, as if everything was normal. He walks right up to me, pressing his chest into my left arm. He’s touching me and my skin is crawling with goose bumps. I’m beyond uncomfortable.

“I’m not going to hurt you. Not today.”

            I stay still, I don’t move. I don’t look at him and I don’t even breathe. I’m a statue. He raises one of his fingers and starts gliding it on my cheek. I want to throw up. My stomach is churning and I truly feel sick. Then he keeps talking.

“You know you have such a pretty face.”

            Don’t move. Don’t say anything. Don’t even blink. He keeps gliding his finger and it feels like knives cutting into my skin.

“I’m letting you go free today. But next time you’re not going to be so lucky. I tried to scare you off, but it’s like you keep coming back to me.”

            He manages to get creepier and creepier. I want to cry. I want to sit on the floor and crumble away into a million tiny pieces. Then he pulls his finger away and reaches to whisper in my ear.

“Maybe that means that you want me too.”

            A tear escapes down my face. It broke through my barrier. Shit. He finally steps away and I don’t wait to hear him tell me if I can leave. I run. I run so fast out of there, tears watering down my face, my stomach in knots. I start running out of the school and running towards my house. I don’t try and find Louis. I don’t even look to see around me at all. I have one focus. Getting home.

            When I get inside all my emotions rampage out of me and I can’t stop myself! I start chucking everything that I can get my hands on to across the floor. Breaking everything that’s breakable. I run up to the bathroom and I feel so sick but nothing comes out. I stand up and look at myself in the mirror and I’m crying and crying but I don’t look any better and I don’t hate myself any less. FUCK! I punch the bathroom mirror, and even though there are shards in my hand I punch it over and over and over again until there’s so much blood I have to stop. Then I slide down on to the floor, and lay against the cold tiles. Letting them cool down my burning skin. I lay there and I breathe, and I try to calm myself down. And I feel so so tired. So I close my eyes and I fall asleep. Praying that when I wake up I won’t be back in this nightmare.

 


	19. Chapter 19

“Harry? Fuck, Harry!”

            I was being prodded and moved. Not really able to hear the voice, but I assumed that it was my Mom that had been freaking out. When my eyes finally focused and I could see clearly, Louis was the one who was in my bathroom.

“What…whatta ya doin?”

“You weren’t answering my calls or texts so I came over. You didn’t wait for me! What the fuck happened!?”

            I felt the stinging in my hand and remembered all the recent events I wish I had forgotten.

“Nothing. Nothing happened.”

            I sat up on the floor and looked at him, trying to ignore the look he was giving me. He knew I was lying, but I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to relive it again.

“We just talked about this early today. You can’t lie to me, I know. I can see it all over your face. And I can’t imagine you smashing mirrors just because you feel like it.”

            I really wish he couldn’t read my face so well. I really wish he didn’t care at all. I’m not saying things were better before I met him but sometimes I just don’t want to tell him anything. He won’t let that happen though, he won’t let me keep my secrets. He’ll get mad and I’ll give in and it’s all going to come out one way or another. I roll my eyes and take a breath. Here goes nothing.

“He called me to stay after class, after all the students had left. Except he didn’t hit me this time.”

“Then what did he do?”

            I looked him in his face, trying to hold back tears. They were waiting patiently, building up quickly behind my eyes. And I know soon enough they’re going to escape.

“He…”

            I took a couple breaths, I didn’t want to say it.

“Come on, you can tell me anything. You know that right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

            I took another deep breath.

“Ugh alright. Well he was stroking my face, and making comments about wanting me, and that I had nice skin. And uggh, FUCK!”

            I shoved my arm and slammed my elbow into the wall behind me. I just needed to hit something. I needed to do something. Louis looked at me and I didn’t want to look back. I could feel him staring but I didn’t want to see the look on his face. I feel disgusting. I feel so helpless. Louis wrapped his arms around me and held me, and that was when everything inside me couldn’t be held back anymore. I cried. I cried into his shoulder and I felt weak and tired but I cried as much as I could. Louis kept his arms around me as I fell to pieces, trying to hold some form of me together.

“Harry, did he say anything else to you?”

            I talked to him as I held onto his shoulder. Not moving to look at him. I wasn’t ready to let go.

“He said that he wasn’t going to go easy on me the next time I got stuck with him. What am I going to do? I can’t leave this school, but I can’t get in trouble again or I’m sent back there.”

            He pulled me so that I was forced to finally look at him. His eyes were red and glossy. He had been crying too.

“Look, you are going to have to be extra good. Like, don’t do anything to annoy the principal. You can’t risk being in detention again. And I’ll walk with you to our history class so you don’t ever have to pass him by alone.”

“Yeah, that’s not too bad. I can do that. I’m not even going to wear my eyeliner.”

“What, why?”

“Because it’s something that pisses him off. I’ll keep the lip ring because I don’t want it to close, but other than that I’m going to be good. I’m not going to bother anyone, I’m going to do all my homework, I’m not going to be late or miss another day.”

“Are you alright Harry? Don’t take it too far, just don’t do anything to draw attention to yourself.”

            I started shaking because of all the fear coming up inside me. I will do whatever it takes to not be stuck alone with that man. And once this year is over, I pray I never have to see him again. Maybe I’ll transfer, maybe I’ll just drop out.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I’ll be okay.”

            Louis looked concerned but he stood up and then helped me up off the ground too. For the next couple minutes I stood in the bathroom as he helped clean myself off. He washed my hand under water to get some of the glass out and then put a towel around it while it bled a little more. Then he dabbed some cold water on my face and on the back of my neck. It was helping me cool down even more. We walked out of the bathroom and then went downstairs. I sat down on the couch but he stayed standing and I was nervous he was about to head off.

“Harry, I-”

“Don’t. Please.”

            He looked at me with his mouth still hanging open from being cut off. He frowned after.

“I can’t.”

“Please, don’t leave me. Stay with me tonight. Just one night.”

“Harry, my parents are going to see I’m not home and flip shit.”

“So drop your car off. Go home, talk to them, and then sneak out your window and come back here. Please. I need you.”

            My eyes were tearing but I didn’t have enough energy to cry anymore.

“I’ll see what I can do. I can’t guarantee anything.”

“Okay.”

            He got down and sat next to me.

“Please, you don’t know how hard it is for me to leave you. I’ll do what I can, but don’t think it’s because I don’t want to be here.”

            It made me feel better, but I was feeling greedy. I wanted more. I wanted to feel like someone might actually love me. I wanted to show Louis that I might actually love him. He walked out and drove away from my street and it was a long time before I finally stopped looking out the window, hoping I’d see him walking back.

*                *                      *                      *

            I woke up this morning and the best way to describe how I felt was empty. I felt like there was nothing left inside my body. I couldn’t feel happy or sad, I couldn’t feel really anything. I just felt like all emotions had drifted away in my sleep, leaving me with neither happiness nor pain. I kept in mind what I had said yesterday, and when I got dressed this morning, I put on kakis and I buttoned up one of my button down shirts. I didn’t wear the eyeliner, but I left the lip ring. Trying to keep some part of me still present. I couldn’t look in a mirror to see how I looked because I went off and broke all of them, but I felt stupid.

            I grabbed my phone and threw it in my backpack, then I left without eating anything. This morning, even though it was now April, was really cold. I didn’t think to bring a jacket so I was cold to the bone during my walk. By the time I got to school, I rushed inside and went to the bathroom to stand under the heat of the hand dryer for a bit. The hot air felt good but it wasn’t enough to get the rest of my body warm. I gave up and then started heading to homeroom.

“Harry!?”

            I didn’t recognize the voice but once I turned around I panicked. Principal.

“Yes sir?”

            His mouth practically dropped open at my manners.

“Woah! Big change, almost didn’t recognize you.”

“Yes, I’ve decided to not be such a rebel anymore.”

            I said it slightly sarcastic but he didn’t even notice the hint of attitude in my tone.

“Wow, well good for you!”

            He was smiling and I was curious if he was a little drunk by his eccentric movements but he patted me on the shoulder and walked away towards his office, so I stopped thinking about it and left. I got to homeroom on time and not to sound conceited, but almost everyone turned to look at me. Not that I thought it was so dramatically different but apparently to everyone else it was. I just sat at my desk, ignoring their glares, and kept my eyes focused on my fingers. I didn’t want to look up at them. I didn’t want to see their faces and see what they were thinking. The bell rang and just as I was leaving the classroom to head to history, I bumped into Louis in the hall.

“Ow.”

“Harry?”

            Louis looked me up and down, staring in awe at my outfit and me.

“Yeah.”

“Wow, you look…”

“Good? That’s what the principal said. Normal?”

“I was going to say different. I don’t think I like you like this.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I like you better when you’re being yourself. Besides, eyeliner is a fetish of mine.”

            He winked at me but I didn’t understand what he meant by that.

“What?”

“Ha oh never mind, you’re too innocent sometimes for your own good.”

            We walked to history and I didn’t even look to see if Mr. Marks was there or not. I just went on as if he didn’t exist. The only thing I could do to make me feel better. We got into class and Louis sat next to me, and when his teammates came into the class, they stopped in between us to talk to Louis. Blocking me out again.

“Hey Louis! Practice today at the usual time?”

“Yes! Lots of scrimmaging today.”

“Aright sounds good man.”

            They walked away down the aisle to their seats and Louis looked back at me once I we were in the clear.

“I’m sorry about last night. That I never came over.”

“I waited for you.”

“I tried. I tried to leave but my parents were coming by my room like every five minutes. It was like they knew I was going to sneak out or something.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Don’t be mad Harry please. I did what I could I swear.”

“I’m not mad I promise.”

“Okay.”

            He gave me a smile and I smiled back at him but I was upset just a little. A piece of me felt the pain of waiting for him when I didn’t want him to leave in the first place, and it weighed heavier than I would have liked it. The rest of class went by slow. I tried using my hand to write but it hurt too much so I couldn’t even doodle this time. The cuts were all over my hand and it was so soar but as long as I didn’t use it, I didn’t notice it.  Louis and I walked out together when class was over, but without saying anything. When it was time for us to part Louis just gave me a nod and then he went to his class. My teachers faces all had surprised  reactions when I walked into their rooms but no one truly said anything. I can dress different but I’m always going to be the same person. That’s never going to change.

            I went home after school and I made a sandwich and watched TV for the rest of the day. I headed up to my room around seven and played the guitar for a little while, trying to learn a new song but nothing more really happened. Right before I fell asleep though I got a text. Louis.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“I really am sorry about yesterday. Can you forgive me?”

“I guess so.

“ :( “

“Okay. I forgive you.”

“Okay good. I’ll see you tomorrow okay? Sweet dreams.”

“Night.”

            He must really feel bad if he texted me again to make sure I still wasn’t upset. I guess I’ll let it go. It’s not a problem I need to take on. I have so many others that I have to spend my energy worrying about, I don’t need to worry about this too.


	20. Chapter 20

           I dressed as nice as I could for school the next day and I made it to homeroom without people bothering me or looking at me. This time when I got to first period, the teammates were already standing in front of Louis, talking to him about something. I tried to squeeze past them as I got to my seat.

“Louis! Hey man good practice yesterday.”

“Thanks. I definitely think we are getting a lot better for the game.”

“Well that’s what we and some of the other guys on the team wanted to ask about. A bunch of us have tickets to this concert tonight, and we were wondering since you’ve canceled for yourself, that you could cancel practice today for us?”

“Oh, uhm yeah I suppose that’s fine. Same time tomorrow then.”

“Okay, thanks!”

            The guys finally walked away and I could have my view back of Louis. He was smiling which I was a bit surprised to see and then he even leaned over to me to whisper something.

“What are you doing after school today?”

“Nothing.”

“Can I come over? I’ll drive you.”

“Yeah sure.”

            He was really excited and grinning wide but I can’t seem to understand what’s different about hanging out with me today than all the other days. When we walked out of class, Louis walked closely by my side as we headed down the hallway, thankfully again I didn’t see the Mr. Marks and so I knew the rest of my day would be fine. This part was always the hardest.

            For the rest of the day I sat in my classes as I usually do. Everything went by alright. Nothing too great but nothing bad. When the day was over I walked out of class and started heading towards the parking lot where Louis said we should meet up. He was there, bruised face and all, smiling and waving at me. It’s hard to be upset when he’s so happy so I smile back at him. School’s over, I can relax now.

“Hey! Alright let’s get in my car!”

“Why are you so excited to get back to my place?”

“Because for once, it’s been a good day. And two, because I haven’t gotten to spend time with you. Not for happy reasons at least. So come on, cheer up! Don’t stress today!”

            I followed his instructions and decided to just let my problems go. I don’t want to be weighed down, I want to enjoy being with him. He’s playing music on the radio and jokingly signing along to some pop song. We’re both laughing by the time he pulls into my driveway and I’m pretty excited that he’ll be coming inside and hanging out. He’s helping me take my mind off of everything so that all I’m thinking about is him. We walk up to my door and I turn around to say something right after I open it up.

“Alright Louis, we’re at my house. What now?”

“I’ll show you.”

            He grabs me quickly around the neck as we stumble into the house. He kisses me full force and takes me completely by surprise. I try not to second guess myself with him. I know my feelings are strong and I want to trust in them wholeheartedly. I kiss him as forcefully as I can back, showing him just how much I want him. Because I do, I want everything. He pulls away for a second and then shoves me back onto my couch in the living room. I can’t deny that this made me really excited. I smiled and bit my lip ring and I saw his eyes go crazy as he watched me do it.

“Harry, let’s go up to your room.”

“Okay.”

            I followed behind him and as we got into my room, he waited no time reaching to take his shirt off. I followed him and took mine off and threw it to the floor. Then he shoved me again back on my bed but this time he hopped up on top of me. I leaned my head forward and kissed him intensely. I tried to be passionate but I was so caught up in the moment I was just kissing him wildly. Sliding my tongue into his mouth and licking his lips, he sucked on my lip ring a lot. Then he slithered down my torso, sucking on different spots of my chest, ribs and stomach. When he got down to my pants, he wasted no time unbuttoning and unzipping them.

            I pushed him off of me and turned him over so that he was laying on his back. I wanted to show him that I could be aggressive too, and be the dominant one. But I loved feeling him on top of me. I loved looking up at him and watching his lips. I went and unbuttoned his pants and pulled them off of him. Then I took his boxers and slide them off to. My right hand hurt still so I tried to use my left hand to grab his dick with, but it was hard. So instead of foreplay I just went for it, and put my mouth around his dick and sucked on him. Licking his tip and then shoving him into my mouth.

“Wait, Harry.”

            I lifted my head up and cocked my head to the side in confusion.

“What?”

“I want to do it to you. Let me suck you.”

“Haha you want to that badly?”

“You have no idea.”

            He shoved me on to my back again and nearly ripped my pants and boxers off of me. He held my dick in his hand and put his mouth around it and started sucking on me. His mouth felt so warm and wet. I thought I was going to cum just from him putting me inside him. I moaned so loudly, not caring if I sounded stupid or if it was embarrassing. He felt so good. I wanted more though, I still need more.

“Unf Louis?”

            He lifted his head and wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Yeah?”

“I want to go further.”

            His mouth dropped open.

“Are…are you sure?”

“Yes.”

            I was sure. I want only him and I want to experience everything with him. No doubts in my mind.

“Okay. Do you care the position?”

“No.”

            He was grinning and biting his lip. I was going to lose my mind if he didn’t touch me again soon. But he did, like he knew how I was feeling. He turned me over and I got on all fours on the bed. He went behind me and I took a lot of deep breaths, scared as hell for what was going to come next. Is it going to hurt? Probably. I can’t imagine it will feel good the first time.

“Harry, suck my dick a little more.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve never done this before, you’re going to be really tight. I want you to get my dick wet, like a lubricant, to help keep it from hurting so bad.”

“Oh, okay.”

            I turned around and put his dick back in my mouth. Trying to use as much of my spit to get him really wet. Then I turned back into the position I was in before. I gripped my bed sheets as I felt him put one hand on my hip. Holding me steady. Then I felt the tip of his dick at my back and I heard Louis letting out a deep breath.

“You ready?”

“Yes.”

            He let out another breath and then started to slowly push himself inside of me. I can’t say that this was feeling good, in fact it’s really fucking uncomfortable. But I don’t say anything, I just think about the fact that this will get better, it has to.

“How are you feeling? Is that okay?”

“Yeah.”

            He stops and then puts both hands on my hips and thrusts the rest of himself inside of me. Before was uncomfortable, but this hurt. This was not feeling good at all. He slowly starts thrusting into me, back and forth, I close my eyes and try to focus on letting myself relax. It takes some time but progressively it starts to feel better. I can hear him moaning loudly so I know he likes it, but it is hard for me to feel anything good out of this. I don’t know if he knows what I am thinking, but he reaches over with his right hand around my hip, and starts jacking me off while fucking me.

“Unnff my god Louis, that…that feels so good.”

            Steadily it was feeling better and better and he kept his hand there, rubbing up and down with a tight grip on my dick off while he fucked me. Then he pulled his hand away and started fucking me even faster. Uhnnn this was feeling good. This was feeling really good. He grabbed my hair and started pulling my head back a little bit and I heard him moaning so loud. Then he reached around again and started jacking me off.

“Louis, don’t…don’t stop.”

            He was going faster and faster, and both our moans were getting louder and louder. Sweat was dripping down our bodies and we were panting. This felt so fucking good. My eyes were rolling into the back of my head, I was so hard and everything so good.

“Oh my god, Harry…Harry I’m boutta cum.”          

            And just as he said the word, my breath hitched and everything building up started seeping out. Louis fell onto my back, exhausted and hot. We were both dripping in sweat and breathing loudly, trying to get as much air as we could. Once I was calming down, I sat back up and put on my clothes. I tossed Louis’ up to him as I found them on the floor as well. He put them on and as I was watching him I realized he looked upset. The opposite of what I wanted to see.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why’d you let me go that far?”

“What are you talking about? I told you too.”

“But it means more to you than just sex. I know it does. You didn’t tell me to just fuck you because you were horny. That was your first time, and you let me be the one to take that from you. Why?”

“I don’t know why you’re so upset over it.”

            He stood up off my bed and stood in front of me.

“Because I’ve only done it once myself. And I gave it to someone who I thought I really really liked and if you don’t feel that way about me, then I don’t know. If you only just like me and you only want to fool around then I can’t do this anymore.”

“Louis.”

“No, I’m serious Harry. We’ve gotten too close for this not to mean anything.”

“Louis! Shut up! I told you I really like you, I wouldn’t be doing anything if I didn’t. I wouldn’t have wanted to do that if I wasn’t crazy about you. You’re all I think about it, day and night, awake or sleeping. You’re all I fucking care about and it drives me insane that we haven’t talked about what this is between us. I wanted to go further with you to show you that you mean something to me. Not to make it seem like I just wanted to hit it and quit it. Why would you even think that? After everything that we’ve been through already, why would you think I’m just in it for the sex?”

“You really feel that way about me?”

“Yes! How can you not tell? I’ve been waiting for you this whole time to tell me how you feel, flat out. You made the first steps on everything else, and so I waited assuming you would do the same. I’ve really fallen for you Louis. I think… I think I love you. So please, can we not argue anymore today?”

            He shook his head in agreement but he was silent. Maybe I said too much. Maybe I’m feeling too strongly about him. I don’t want him to feel like I’m putting him on the spot because I feel this way already. I got nervous so I leave the room but he follows me as I sit down on my couch and turn on the TV. Even though he isn’t saying anything, I am happier with him here than not. A few hours pass and we haven’t moved at all from the couch. My body is dying to stand up and walk around but I don’t want to disturb Louis and his thinking. I adjust my position just enough though that he senses me moving and snaps out of his zoning. I decide maybe now might be a good a time as any to talk.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t seem like it.”

            He looks at me, and I feel like I must have done something wrong.

“I’m not upset. Not at you. I just, I didn’t realize that you felt that way about me. I don’t think anyone has ever felt that way about me. And I don’t know how to react. I don’t know if I should be happy that you love me, or sad that you love me. That out of all the people in the world, it was me that you feel in love with. Me, who is damaged and…”

“Please. I said it before to you in the hospital. I think you’re perfect. You need to stop degrading yourself. You are worth so much more than you think you are. Who gives a fuck what your parents say, to me, you’re the only one that matters.”

            He sort of smiled but he was still upset. I went back to watching TV and another ten minutes went by before any of us even looked at each other. He finally did though, turn his attention back at me. And then he spoke quietly, just loud enough for me to hear it but not sure if it was actually said.

“I love you too.”

            And suddenly, everything faded away. And I felt like I was being lifted on clouds to another realm where happiness was in the form of blue eyes and soft lips and every morsel of my body was consumed in butterflies. Everything suddenly felt euphoric and even though it was seconds before that he said it, I felt wiser. I understood what the great thing about love was. It’s not being able to love somebody, no, that’s the easy part. Accepting and loving someone else are like baby steps. But actually having someone come into your life, and break down your barriers, and loving you, that’s difficult. But that’s what feels so amazing in the end.

            We try to fight people away because we are so afraid of them not liking what they see on the inside. But then that one person comes along and challenges you and starts fighting through all your weapons and guards. At first you try to fight them off because you know that there’s no possible way that this person will love you, but then they hit a certain point and all of a sudden you start cheering them on. You want them to break you down just so that they can help you build up again. You want them to tear you a part, because you know that they are going to fix and repair you. At some point they reach their goal and they find your heart and after all the obstacles and bullshit that it took for them to get there, they stand there and they still say they love you, they still say they want to be with you…that’s what’s so great. That’s what we live for. There’s nothing greater than knowing someone out there in the world loves you, and all the messed up, crazy, broken fragments that you are.


	21. Chapter 21

“Harry I’m gonna get going now.”

“Oh, alright.”

            We stood up and I walked over with him to the front door. I wanted to keep him, I wanted him to stay all night and I wanted to lie next to him till morning, but our lives are not ready for that yet. We stopped in front of the door and now that the word love has been thrown in the air, we were both a little awkward. Not sure if this meant things changed or they could stay the same.

“Well, I’ll call you later.”

“Louis?”

            I didn’t want him to leave. There are so many questions building in my mind and I want answers to all of them. I want to sit here and talk with him until I know exactly what everything means and what he feels and how he wants to be with me. To know if it’s like how I want to be with him.

“Yeah?”

“Before you go… I just wanted to ask what it means now that you love me.”

“Are you talking about what we are, like relationship wise?”

“Yeah.”

            He sighs and I’m not surprised that he finds this a difficult question to ask. Or maybe he was hoping to avoid this conversation tonight.

“I don’t know what it means to be honest. I love you, that’s true. But we can’t date, not openly at least. And I don’t want to hide you because you deserve someone to spoil you and that’s what I want to do. But I don’t know how to do that right now. So just give me a bit, let us both think about things, and then in a week we’ll try to figure this out together.”

“What if I don’t have anything to figure out?”

He looked at me and I could tell that that hurt him a little. Maybe he feels bad that he’s unsure of so much but I can’t help it. I know how I feel, I know what I want. There’s nothing to think over. I love Louis.

“I’m sorry. But please, just give me some time. You might not realize some issues yet that we’ll have to face and I think it’d be good for us to think over everything we need to and talk about it when the week is up. Is that fair?”

“Okay. I think that’s fair.”

            Louis gave me a smile and then he kissed me on the cheek, lingering there for longer than he probably realized. He walked out and drove away, like he’s done so many other times before, but this time I felt a piece of me leaving with him too. When he was gone, I wasn’t whole anymore. Did I just give too much away?

            I tried to fall asleep but my chest hurt. I was too aware of my feelings. I wanted to put them in a bag and knot them back up but they were like a balloon tied to a piece of ribbon. Once that slippery material had escaped from my grip and the balloon flew up into the sky, there was no way of ever getting it back. It was freed into the world forever left up to the hands of fate. In truth, there is a small chance that Louis is on the other side, waiting to catch my soaring feelings, but if he decides he doesn’t want them, I don’t know what I’ll do. I may never get back that part of me that just flew away.

*                *                      *                      *

            Nothing is more painful than waiting. The next week dragged on. Despite my limited clothing options, I managed to keep my attire relatively preppy. I wasn’t bothered or looked twice at by anyone. Louis sat next to me but we didn’t talk. Occasionally we would glance at each other but that was all the communication there was between us. He would go off to soccer practice after school and I’d get to watch him and the team run past my house, but that was all I saw of him. Right when I wanted him to be closer, he started slipping back away.

            But finally, at the end of a seemingly dark tunnel there is a light, today is one week since our conversation. Today we talk again. I put on kakis and a blue button down shirt. Today is one of the first truly warm days that we’ve had. I don’t bother grabbing a jacket as I head out of the house. As I walk to school, all I can think about is what Louis is going to say when we finally get together. This past week I tried not to think about him, of course I failed at that but it wasn’t terrible. Now there are so many thoughts and scenarios colliding in my head I feel like I’m going to implode.

            Of course all my nervousness in seeing Louis today subsided when I realized he wasn’t here. First period started off as usual, but then I looked over at the empty desk next to me and waited for it to be filled. After twenty minutes passed by, I finally came to the realization that he skipped classes. Although now I have different nerves because now I’m afraid something happened to him back at his house. When first period was over I got up and ran down the hallway and tried to hide amongst the crowd, and sneak out a side door. I wasn’t staying in school if Louis might be lying broken in a pool of blood. Not happening.

            My last minute plan thankfully worked. Hiding amongst people I managed to sneak away and push open side doors to get outside. I walk quickly towards the parking lot trying to get off school grounds before they see that I’m leaving or gone. Once I’m on the regular roads I go back to a normal pace and make my way to Louis’ neighborhood and house. The walk isn’t too bad, and today is a good day for it, but my stomach is in knots the closer I get. Once again my head is reeling and I can’t control anything. Too many thoughts to keep a hold on, too many emotions to hold back. I finally get to Louis’ house and before I walk up to his front door, I peer around to see if the ladder to his room is still there. I’m more of an unconventional guy I suppose.

            To my surprise, it was. So I climbed up the ladder and got on to the roof as quietly as I could. The last thing I need at this point is someone to see me and think I’m trying to rob his house, and call the cops. That would not end well for me. Before I climb into his room, I look through to see if I can even see him in there. There’s a lump in his bed so maybe he’s still sleeping. Whatever, it’s not like I can go back to school now so I might as well go in. I push against the glass and lift it up, and then I grab the bottom and lift it even higher so that I can get my whole body through. This wasn’t really the quiet I was aiming for but once I step into his room, I find that Louis is sleeping in bed and I didn’t even wake him up.

            I don’t know why, but instead of just tapping him or calling out his name, I lean down and kiss Louis. It’s not really fair for me to just steal a kiss from him but I can’t help it. This felt like the longest week of my life and now I have him in front of me and no one is watching. It’s not that I’m not thinking, I am thinking, and that’s all I want to do. Just kiss him. But I know I shouldn’t have because I don’t know how he’s feeling after a week. His eyes open a little bit and he tries to look at me. It takes him a while to register who I am I think, maybe his eyes are still blurry from sleeping.

“Harry?”

“Yeah.”

            He yawns. His voice sounds raspy and deep.

“What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t in school and I got really nervous that something happened. Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

            He sits up now in his bed. I sit down to but in the opposite way to face him.

“Then why didn’t you go to school?”

“I just didn’t feel like it.”

            He’s more awake now. And even though he’s saying one thing, I can see the look in his eyes. I know he’s lying.

“Louis. Please. Tell me what happened.”

            He looks at me, acting as if he just told me the truth. But I don’t back down and I stare at him harder and longer. I know what I know. He finally looks away and then sighs.

“Fine. I didn’t go to school today because they locked me inside my room. They are banning me from eating and socializing.”

“Are you serious? They are keeping you from eating?”

“Yep. Missed dinner and breakfast, I’m fucking starving but I can’t get out.”

“Well technically you can.”

            We both look over at his window at the same time.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to be sentenced to death next.”

“Why are they even doing this to you in the first place?”

            He waited a second to respond again.

“Truthfully, I am grounded because of you.”

“Huh?”

“My parents are friends with all the parents of those guys on the soccer team. I guess they all have been talking about how strange it is that we are friends. Some of their parents made a comment to my parents, and automatically they knew that we weren’t just ‘friends.’ This is my punishment.”

            You know that overwhelming feeling of disappointment and heartache? The one you get right after you’ve been waiting so long for something to happen, and it doesn’t go the way you expected? Even though Louis and I hadn’t talked about that yet, I knew that this was going to play into his decision. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame him. I don’t want to be with him if this is what’s going to happen, but on the hand I’m so selfish and I just want to be with him and not care about all that stuff. But I don’t know if Louis could ever really be happy that way. And if he’s not happy then I wouldn’t be happy.

“I’m sorry. I’ve caused you so many problems haven’t I?”

            Louis stands up out of bed and grabs me by my shoulders.

“Harry! Don’t think like that! I came on to you and I did everything to get you, this is my fault. Not yours.”

            I step out from under his grip.

“So what does this mean?”

            I have my back to him. I don’t want to see his face when he tells me his answer. It’s going to hurt enough to hear it.

“Harry, I’m going to say two things. One, I love you. I love that you care about me so much that you walked from school and into my house to make sure I was okay. I love your curls and your eyes, and I love that you and only you, truly understands me. But two, I don’t know how to make this work. I don’t know how to be in a relationship with you and not want to show you off or not want to spend all my time with you and get caught by my parents or someone else. I don’t really have an answer because my heart and my mind are in two different places. And I’m not really sure which one to follow.”

“Well spending a week not talking to each other clearly didn’t do anything. Why don’t you climb out the ladder and come over to my house? I can feed you and we can hang out, and after today then you’ll have to make your decision. I told you where I stand, my cards are all out on the table.”

“Okay. I’ll take my car, we can drive. Do you want to get pizza?”

“Won’t they notice that?”

“I honestly don’t give a fuck. I want pizza.”

            We laughed a little.

“Alright let’s go.”


	22. Chapter 22

           We ordered a large pizza and had taken it back to my house where we ate and watched some action movie that I owned. It was a good distraction from the real issues at hand, not that I didn’t want to discuss them. I did. But Louis was doing everything in his power to just be normal and okay right now, and if that’s what he wants to do, I have to respect that. After a while of sitting and watching the movie, it finally ended, so we decided to go to the hill. Just to spend some more time doing something other than being locked up inside a room.

            Louis drove with the radio on, singing along to the songs coming up. I laughed along with him and I smiled but inside I knew that there was just a hint of fakeness in his laughter, in his joking around. It was like after all that I have done to open up to him, he still couldn’t be completely open about his feelings to me. I knew he was hurt, I knew inside he must be completely shattered, but he smiled at me as if his whole life wasn’t a disaster. And maybe he thought there was a chance he could fool me, but he couldn’t see what I see. When he smiles at me, all I see is a broken boy in a broken life. He was right, but broken doesn’t mean he’s damaged for forever. I’m going to do what I can to fix him. So that one day I can see him smiling and happy, and know that underneath he’s honestly okay.

            We get to the spot and he parks, and then we get out of his car and walk over to the clearing. Today is cloudy but it’s okay. The view is still just as beautiful. We sit down at our usual spots, he’s always to the left of me. I look at him for a second, trying to read his expression. Truthfully he looks calm so I relax and follow his lead. Together we stare out into the valley of evergreens and hopeful dreams.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

            I don’t look at him, I wait to hear what he says next before I turn my focus back to him.

“All I’ve wanted my whole life, is to be happy. I never wanted to worry about being accepted or being hurt or being sad. I just wanted to live life and not worry about anything. But I went about grasping that all the wrong ways. I thought by pretending to be straight I would always be accepted and by justifying my parents actions I could never be hurt. I thought that if I always had a smile on my face, no one would know I was sad and therefore I wasn’t sad. Maybe if I was a better actor I could have pulled all of this off but I’m not and I can’t. I just… I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand why I just can’t have parents who love me, and accept me for who I am.”

            Louis started crying and I stayed where I was, afraid that if I moved to hug him, he wouldn’t get a chance to say all that he wanted to get out. So as painfully as it was, I sat still and listened to him talk with tears racing down his cheeks.

“Why can’t I have a family that truly is happy and normal and loves each other despite flaws or imperfections? Why can’t I be able to be who I am and not worry about being judged by everyone? I want to love you Harry. I want to love you and be with you and take you places and take care of you but I’m too scared to. I’m too scared to walk outside and hold your hand, and not just because of what someone might do to me, but what someone might do to you.”

“Louis, you’re stressing over things that you do not need to stress over. I can handle my own if someone tries to bother me. Besides, you’re scared by all these “what-ifs” but you’re only thinking about all the negative things that could happen. What if we go out and we’re really happy? What if we go out and people don’t bother us? What if everything turns out okay? You never know until you try. And if you love me like you say you love me, then wouldn’t you want to see where this goes? You being my boyfriend may not change anything, or it could change everything. We won’t know until we take the step and go there.”

“I get what you’re saying, but if it doesn’t work out then I may end up losing the only person I have, as a boyfriend, and a friend.”

“You just have to believe that it’s going to work out then.”

            He looks at me and I know he’s having a hard time. Trying to accept himself and us. I understand where he’s coming from, trying to solve all of these problems that we very well could face. But I’m not worried about the ‘what if’s.’ If shit happens then we will deal with it when it does. Why should we spend our time worrying about things that may never be a problem, when we could be spending our time being happy? I want to be happy with Louis. I want to forget my own issues and just be with him and know that no matter what we have each other. He may not see things the way I do, because of what he’s been through. But I hope that I can show him what I see, and that he lets me in. And that he realizes that while things could be bad, they could also be good.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

            He continues his gaze at me and then he scoots his body so his face is directly in front of me. I hold my body steady as he comes in close next and kisses me. Nothing too much, just soft and gentle. Letting his lips lightly press against mine. He pulls his head back a little bit but our noses are still touching.

“Harry…will you be my boyfriend?”

“I suppose I wouldn’t mind that.”

            My mouth turns into a smile and I bite my lip as he laughs at my sarcasm. Then he comes back in and kisses me again, more passionately than before. And suddenly I’m consumed with my need for him. I don’t care that we are outside, his kissing is turning me on so much and he just asked me to be his…officially. I want to kiss him. I want to make him feel good. While we are kissing I start reaching for the buttons on his pants but then his hands quickly grab my hands and push me away.

“What?”

“I have to go to soccer practice still today. We should probably leave now.”

“Wow, is it that time already?”

“Yeah, sorry. The game is next Saturday so I can’t skip anymore. Maybe I’ll come over after and we can do something.”

            He winks at me but I’m upset about what he said. We start walking back to his car as I talk next.

“Maybe? Don’t tell me you’re thinking about going home tonight?”

“As much as I would love to stay over your house again, I can’t. I snuck out but I’m going to blame it on soccer so I should be okay.”

“I wish you could just live at my house.”

“I wish I could too.”

            We get into his car and he doesn’t turn the radio so I go back to what I was saying before as he starts driving me home.

“Maybe that’s what we should be thinking about.”

“Huh?”

“Living somewhere else. Moving out of this town going somewhere where we don’t have to worry and can be happy.”

“We don’t have money to do that.”

“We’ll get jobs.”

“And where would we go?”

“I don’t know, I’m thinking something close to the water.”

“I have a cousin that lives in San Francisco.”

“Do you really?”

“Yeah. Well I haven’t seen or talked to him in years.”

“Maybe you should try to contact him. He might be willing to help us out.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know that it could work.”

“I think it can, and if you really want to we should. Leave this place for once and for all.”

“I’ll think about it.”

            I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t stress it. Everyone at some point fantasizes about running away and starting over. But we both have nothing else to lose, why not leave this town? Why not go somewhere and start over and be happy? And together? I don’t understand how Louis could ever want to stay here. I hope his fears won’t hold him back from living his life.

*                *                      *                      *

            I spent the rest of my day trying to write more lyrics and playing my guitar. I saw Louis pass by with his team, and I saw him look up at my window but I wasn’t sure if he really could see me or not. I got my homework done and then I went down stairs to watch TV for the last hour before I was set to go to bed. Today was definitely one of the happiest days so far. I mean it wasn’t the happiest because it did start with Louis being starved by his parents, but we are truly together now. It doesn’t really feel like anything is different but in a metaphorical way, he’s mine. And I’m really excited and nervous all at the same time about that.

“Oh Harry you’re up?”

            My Mom came stumbling into the house, earlier than she’s been home in a while. I haven’t seen her days.

“Hi Mom. How are you doing?”

“Good! The diner has been giving me more hours because I told them I wanted to work a little longer, and today they said that I could leave early and they’d still pay me for what I would have originally worked. They wanted me to get some rest. They are so nice.”

“That’s good.”

“How are you, how’s school?”

            She finishes taking off her shoes and comes to sit next to me on the couch, taking the remote and changing the channel on me.

“It’s been alright.”

“How’s that friend of yours? Lewis? How’s he been?”

“Do you really care?”

            I snapped but I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even realize I still held a little anger towards our last conversation. My Mom stared at me, a bit surprised, and then sighed before talking again.

“Harry, of course I care. I know it sounded bad but it wasn’t meant to. It’s just that you know how sensitive people are in this town. One little mistake and suddenly you’re the spawn of Satan. I just don’t want this new friend of yours to be attracting the wrong kind of attention again.”

“Mom, let me make my own decisions for myself. I’ll hang out with whoever I want to hang out with and if something happens, then that’s my problem.”

“How do you expect me to do that?”

“By trusting me.”

            She looks at me and this time her eyes are watering a bit. I feel bad, I never talk to her like this. But she can’t let that one incident hold over our heads for the rest of our lives. I’m not going to let it keep me from being with Louis.

“Fine. Harry do what you want. Whatever is going to make you happy. You want your friend staying over, then whatever, have your friend staying over. But if this ends horribly, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

            She’s not smiling. She’s not happy that she’s saying it. Though her words are telling me to do something, the tone of her voice is saying she really doesn’t want me to. But this is the best I’m going to get from her and I accept it wholeheartedly. If she’s saying Louis can come over, then Louis is coming over. Not just because I want to fuck around with him, but because this way, he doesn’t have to be around his parents. That is always my main priority, keeping him safe.

            My Mom goes up to bed and I grab her a glass of water and bring it to her room. As usual she’s already fast asleep. Then I go into my room and get into bed. Before I fully let myself fall asleep, I text Louis.

“I have good news to tell you tomorrow!”

“Oh yeah? Can’t tell me now? :(“

“Nope! Go to sleep, I’ll see you at school. :)”

“Okay. Goodnight babe.”

“Night xx.”

     Babe. He called me babe. Now I am really fucking happy. Even though I try to keep my face straight, I can’t help but to smile. I put my phone off to the side to let it charge and then I get in a comfortable position under my covers. Without any notice, I fall asleep, and my smile is still attached to my face even when I’m dreaming. But of course I dream about Louis.


	23. Chapter 23

         I got to school just in time for homeroom to end, so all I had to do was head to first period. I wasn’t really running late this morning, I mean it took me a while to find more ‘preppy’ clothes but I went with just jeans and a red and black plaid button down shirt. I took my time walking on purpose because I didn’t want to have to deal with homeroom. I think it’s so dumb. I just wanted to get in there and see and be with Louis. I couldn’t wait to tell him about my conversation with my Mom. I want him to sleep over tonight and every night.

            I got to class first but Louis followed behind only seconds later. We sat down at our desks and then we looked around to see if anyone was paying any attention to us or could hear us. When I realized they couldn’t, I leaned over to him and started talking.

“Louis! Guess what?”

“What?”

“My Mom said that if you want to you can sleep over you. Anytime.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! So if you ever want to you can just come over my house and you don’t have to worry about being home.”

“Cool. Well, we’ll see. I don’t want to promise anything.”

“Yeah I know.”

            I was really excited to tell him and while I tried to act like it didn’t upset me, I was hurt. Not because he said he couldn’t, but because once again his parents have to go and ruin everything for him. We didn’t say anything after mainly because class started and Ms. Cleary went off into a tangent about some war for the rest of the class period. We gave each other looks every now and then but that was it. When the class was over, we walked out together into the hallway.

“Harry I didn’t mean to upset you. That’s great that your Mom said that, and I would love to but I just can’t promise anything.”

“No it’s okay, really. I understand that.”

            He smiled at me and lightly rubbed the back of his hand on the back of my hand. It was a cute gesture.

“I have practice after school today and then I’m going home. I’m warning you that I may not be able to do anything until this weekend.”

“That’s okay.”

“Okay good.”

            He smiled and then he headed off down a different hallway towards his class. I hope he’s been thinking about leaving here as much as I have, because I’m more than ready to get the fuck out of here.

*                *                      *                      *

            The rest of the week went by surprisingly fast. While Louis and I had started to text more, we hadn’t hung out at all. And even though he said we were going to be able to hang out during the weekend, his family had some wedding to attend to in California and I didn’t get to see him in the end. He came back from the wedding Tuesday and from Tuesday till Thursday it was the same routine. Texting but not getting to hang out. This week his excuse was that soccer practice was running later and later with the big game coming up. I hope once the game is over, he’ll have time for me like he says he will. 

            This morning I walk to school and it’s a really warm day. The sky is bright blue and there’s not a cloud to be seen. Maybe this is a sign that good things are to come. I hope. I walk into school and head to homeroom. Since I started dressing nicer, I’ve found that while I’m still invisible, there no longer is the tension that I used to feel whenever I walked into a room. I miss my old clothes and my eyeliner but if this is the way I have to act then so be it. The bell rings and I head off to first period, not sure if I’m really excited to see Louis or not.

“Hey!”

            Louis jumps up behind me in the hallway and then together we walk to class.

“Hi.”

“Oh don’t be like that! The game is tomorrow and then I’m a free man.”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“Speaking of which, are you coming?”

“To what?”

“My game?”

“Why would I go to that?”

“To watch me play.”

            He was getting a little hurt and I realized this must be a big thing for him.

“Fine, I’ll come.”

            And like that he was back. Smiling and being happy.

“Really! Awesome! Maybe after the game we can get a slice of pizza or something.”

“Sure.”

            I smiled back at him. I figure I can just hide in the back of the crowd and watch the game without being seen. We head into class and the rest of the period goes by slowly and boring. After, we walk in the hallway and say good bye and the rest of my Friday follows suite. Boring. Boring. Boring. When I get home I play guitar, I eat, I watch TV, and finally I go to sleep. Tomorrow will be interesting for sure. Can’t decide how I feel about going just yet, but I guess it’ll be over soon enough.

 


	24. Chapter 24

       Because the event did not take place during a school day, I decided that I could finally wear my regular clothes again. That I could be myself again. I threw on black skinny jeans, a faded green t-shirt and a faded grey beanie. And last but not least, my favorite part, my eye liner! It felt so good, like I was back in my own skin. This is who I am and it feels damn good to express that. After I finished getting ready, I checked my phone and decided to text Louis a good luck text. Maybe it’ll make him happy or something stupid like that.

“Hey! Good luck today out there! I know you’ll do great :)”

“Thanks! Can’t wait to see you ;)”

     I left it there, I didn’t want to keep bothering him because I’m sure he’s busy with his team and I’m heading over there now anyways. I figured if I went a little early maybe I could get a chance to talk to him but that’s a little wishful thinking. Especially in such a populated area. His parents might even be there, so I should actually do my best to lay low. I wouldn’t want to start any unwanted attention for him on his big day.

            I walked out of my house and saw that the sky was cloudy but it was warm. Like the calm before a storm. I hoped that the weather would hold out long enough for Louis’ game to end. I guess we’ll see. By the time I got to the school I could see that it was already pretty crowded. Tons of families had already parked and were heading towards the field to watch the game. People from both the towns come over to watch their teams play, so this is typically what I would avoid most. Large crowds, tons of annoying people who I would rather not see outside of school. Definitely not my thing to go to.

            When I pay for my ticket I cross through and go towards the soccer field. I spot Louis talking to a bunch of parents and some of his teammates. He looks so good in his soccer uniform. I try to get a little closer, hoping that he might see me in the background but he doesn’t and I sense people starting to stare at me, so I decide to move away. I head towards the back of the school and lean against the wall, so that I can face the field. This way, I’m in the back behind the crowd, but I still have a view. About another ten minutes go by before it seems like the teams start to get themselves together. The other team is wearing blue and white jersey’s while our soccer team is green and white.

            I watch from a far as Louis finishes prepping up the team and then everyone starts heading out to their positions on the field. Louis stands in front of the other teams’ captain, waiting for everyone to be ready and the ref to drop the ball. While they are waiting, Louis starts to look around the field and then his eyes lock on to mine. He sees me. He smiles and waves and I just smile back. Trying not to make it obvious that he was doing that for me. Then he turns back to his opponent and gets serious again. The referee says something to them quickly and then gets his whistle in his mouth and holds the ball high. Everyone in the crowd counts down from five in unison till when the ball drops. Five. Four. Three. Two. BOOMMM! Thunder.

            Unexpectedly a loud crashing sound goes off in the sky. The clouds were darker than they were when I was walking here, I didn’t even realize when it had gotten to be so bad. Everyone in the crowd who had been pumped up were now starting to look around at each other. Wondering what was going to happen now that there’s thunder. The ref, Louis and the other captain form into a circle and start talking together. After about a minute they part and the ref yells out.

“THE GAME IS STILL ON! RAIN OR SHINE!”

            People cheered and those who had umbrellas pulled them out while others pulled up their hoods on their jackets. Of course I didn’t have anything but at least I have a beanie on, to keep my head warm and somewhat dry if it rains. Louis and his opponent get back into their positions and the crowd counts down again from five. This time the ref drops the ball on the ground and the game begins. Louis gets the ball first and passes it to one of his teammates. It’s hard to follow when all of the guys are sort of running around each other, but it looked like a good start. The crowd cheered every now and then but for the most part paid close attention to the players. Ten minutes into the game it starts to pour.

            Although it sucks that it’s raining and now my clothes are drenched, it’s more entertaining to watch the game because the grass is wet and making it hard to run on. All the players are sliding around and it’s a bit amusing to watch them. Louis falls a couple times, sliding in the grass, but gets up and smiles at everyone to say he’s okay. Always trying to put a smile on someone else’s face. I guess in some aspects it’s a good trait to have, but in other way’s it’s not. He’s always hiding the tremendous amount of pain that is bottled inside. He’s always pretending that he’s fine when he’s not. And that’s sad to me.

            There was a break in the middle of the game where people started to walk around and buy snacks and other stuff. Louis was drinking water and talking to his teammates and parents. Everyone looked so happy. It’s insane to realize just how well they keep their problems hidden from the world. After about a couple minutes the crowd starts coming back and the people get back into their original places. The team members move from talking to their parents and friends and all go to huddle and to talk to one another, they pull apart not too long after they got together and once again take their positions on the field. Louis was standing in the middle this time as well, and once again he looked out to find me. He smiled and waved and I even waved back for a quick second this time. I hope he knows that I’m surprisingly happy to be here and cheering him on. I’ll tell him of course after the game too when we go out for pizza. After he turns his attention back to his opponent, I get myself focused to start watching the second half.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

            No. No. No. No. No. No. No fucking way. No. I can’t see the person who quietly came up next to me but I heard their voice loud and clear. I don’t want to turn my head, I don’t want to accept what hand I’ve just been dealt. I was fine, I was happy. Why does this always happen? As if someone knows I’m having a good day, they have to send in the fucking devil to ruin it all. Fuck. FUCK!

“Why are you talking to me?”

            I don’t look at them. I don’t want to see him. If I see him it’ll be real that’s next to me and I don’t want to admit it yet. I don’t want to believe that this is really happening.

“Wow, you’re actually going to speak this time. What a nice change.”

“Leave me alone.”

            I keep my head forward, trying to pay attention to the soccer field instead of him.

“But you came here to see me. Isn’t that right?”

“No. Now go.”

            He laughs and I look around, hoping some of the families can see the pain on my face. But everyone’s back is turned, facing the field. No one is going to turn around to look at me. No one is going to help me.

“I think that you need to be taught a lesson for having such a bad attitude.”

            He bends down and grabs me behind my neck, squeezing tightly. It doesn’t choke me but it hurts like hell. I try to twist out of his grip but it’s no use. He’s forcing his strength to keep me down on the ground. If I was standing I could maybe do it better, but not in the position I’m in now. I’m stuck.

“Get off me.”

“Why Harry, that is no way to talk to me. I think I’m going to have to bring you inside now for your punishment.”

            He lifts me up by my neck, keeping his fingers locked around me. I try to look around but no one is looking, and while I want help I’m too afraid to scream. If I yell out he could say that I was being bad or something, and people would take his statement over mine. This fucking sucks! This fucking really sucks! He pulls me over to one of the doors and pulls me into the school building. Once away from the outside, everything is silent. Too quiet for comfort. Why can’t there be a janitor or something at this moment. He pulls me through the hallways and into his classroom which how convenient, was very close by. Then he throws me down on the ground! I hit hard but I don’t stay down long. Knowing that standing up is better than being down in any situation.

“Why can’t you leave me the fuck alone! What did I do to deserve this?”

“But I thought you liked this.”

            He smiled and I wanted to rip my eyeballs out so that I never had to see that image again.

“You are fucking psychotic!”

            I try to run past him and out through the door but he stands in the way and shoves me back on the ground. I try another time but once again I’m thrown off my feet. Why can’t I be stronger to hold me own? This is fucking bullshit!

“You can try and fight me all that you want but I am stronger than you. I am better than you. And you’re never ever going to win against me. Don’t you understand that you fucking little piece of shit?!”

            In a matter of seconds he went from creepy to angry. This time I was scared. Before he got close to me I already tensed my muscles trying to protect myself from what’s to come. I had been standing up and instantly he punched me in the face. It felt like a brick had been thrown in the side of my face. I was laid flat on the tiles of the classroom floor and all I could feel was my brain reeling. Instant migraine, blurry vision, taste of blood in my mouth and the feeling of wanting to throw up. I couldn’t move. I tried to tell my body to move but it didn’t have the strength.

            He then pulled me up off the floor, I thought I sort of could hear him talking but I couldn’t hear more than sounds. Words weren’t coming through. He held my limp body up and then threw me up against the chalkboard. I crumpled to the ground again. Not able to hold myself up. I heard more sounds and I could see blobs but nothing was clear to me. I couldn’t defend myself at all. I might very well be killed, and I can’t do anything to stop it. How bad does that fucking suck?

            I felt myself being touched next, on my face and on my arms and neck. Every place I felt him my skin burned. Like it wanted to set itself on fire and remove the evidence of him ever being there. Then I felt my body being positioned with my knees on the floor and my ass up into the air. But I don’t want to admit what I think he’s doing next. I don’t want to tell myself that there’s a chance he’s going to take more than just my pride.  I don’t want to be awake for this. I don’t want to feel him on me and not be able to defend myself in anyway. I know that if my face wasn’t numb I’d be crying, and there’s a chance I am but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel the tears falling from my eyes and that’s what I’m hoping I can do with the rest of my body. Make myself go numb, lifeless. I close my eyes and I shut them tight and I start thinking of a place I’d rather be right now. And that’s the only image I let myself think about. I think as hard as I possibly can and I focus as much as I’m able to and before I know it, that’s the only image I’m aware of. Lying in a bed, kissing someone’s soft skin, and feeling completely safe. Believing that I could be safe.


	25. Chapter 25

**Louis:**

(Five minutes previous)

           I waved at Harry, so excited that he was at my game and that he had stayed the whole time to watch. I felt on top of the world. I scored two goals and we were winning! Nothing better than the feeling of being invincible. And that’s how I feel right in this moment. I had my boyfriend, my parents, my teammates, all here cheering me on. And despite so many problems, none of them mattered. I was on top.

            The ref started walking over with the ball and I gave a mean look to my opponent, mainly because he was giving one to me. I rubbed my feet in the grass a couple times, trying to get some grip between the blades and my cleats. I looked around at my teammates and gave them a nod and a thumbs up. I knew we were going to win today. We were doing so well, and it we felt too good to let that stop. I turned my attention back towards my opponent and the ref right as he got next to us.

“Okay boys, let’s keep this a fair game.”

            We both nodded but the other captain looked so angry. He definitely was going to try and do whatever he could to turn the tables back to his team. But I am not going to let that happen. Not while Harry is here watching me to. Thinking of Harry made me turn my glance quickly back in the location of where he was sitting. When my eyes glance over him again, I almost miss the person that seemed out of place in my vision. Harry was sitting on the ground, and this man was standing next to him. But he was standing too close.

“Alright boys, here we go. Five. Four…”

            I ignore the ref and try to get a better image of the man. The rain is making it hard to get a clear picture of his face. But before I even can figure it out the man lunges down and grabs Harry behind his neck. WAIT! WHAT!

“ONE!”

            The whistle sounds off and the ball is dropped and I don’t make an effort to retrieve it from the other captain. He passes it off and I stand in the same spot, watching Harry. The man grabs him and pulls him up off the ground and pulls him inside the school building. There’s only one person that that could be and I swear I’m about go fuck shit up right now if that’s Mr. Marks. I start running off after Harry but Parker runs directly in front of me, stopping me.

“What are you doing!?!?”

“I have to go. I have to do something!”

“NOW? It’s the middle of the game!

“You don’t understand, I’m sorry. I have to go. Parker take my spot! And put Blake where you were before. I’m sorry!”

            I run past him and up towards the school. My parents faces are so angry I can’t even stand to look at them longer than half a second. And the faces of the rest of the crowd are just pure confusion. I don’t care though. I run past everyone, making it clear what decision I’ve made in my life. That Harry is more important than anything. I run up to the school and I run inside through the doors that I saw Harry dragged through just seconds ago.

            The hallways are silent but I can just make out screaming down another hall. I follow the voices and then I slow down, hoping that my footsteps haven’t been heard already. I can only hear the man’s voice, I can’t hear Harrys. I slowly inch around so that my body is in front of the doorway and I can see inside.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD!”

            Harry was bent on the ground with his ass in the air, and Mr. Marks was just starting to pull his pants down. Harry had blood and bruises all over his face and his eyes were closed which means he’s either dead or passed out. I startled Mr. Marks which was exactly what I was hoping for and I run into the room and kick him in his face while he was on knees. I got him right in the jaw and he fell off to the side. Holding his jaw with his right hand tightly. I kicked him as hard as I possibly could and if I didn’t break the bone I know at the very least I displaced it. I don’t wait another second before I just start punching him in his fucking disgusting face, trying to hurt what’s already hurt. When he’s on the ground I kick him and kick him and stomp on him until I realize that my priority is to get Harry out of here.

            I give the fucking asshole one last kick and then I grab Harry and manage to get him on my back, and carry him out of the school towards the parking lot. I try to move as quickly as I can even though he’s a bit heavy, but I have so much adrenaline in my system that helps get me to my car. Then I open the back door and slide him across the back seat so that he can lie down. Once he’s secured, I close the door and then get into the driver’s seat and speed off. I can’t believe that no one else saw Harry getting yanked away like that. How are peoples so oblivious to their fucking surroundings?!? I don’t give a shit about anyone else anymore. Harry is my only concern. My parents and everyone else can all go fuck themselves for all I care. I drive to the hospital and I park before dragging Harry out of the back and carrying him again, inside the automatic doors to the ER. Once inside I run up to the woman at the front desk.

“You have to help him! You have to help him, he’s hurt!”

            She jumps up from her desk and calls some of the nurses over to grab a wheelchair for Harry and to get him set up in a room. I wonder if this is how it happened when he brought me in here. Afraid that he’d never see me again like I’m afraid I might not see him. I don’t know how badly hurt he is, I don’t know if that fuck just got done with something or was just getting started. My stomach starts churning and after they take Harry from me, I run to the bathroom. I have to let the pressure out, I have to release it. While it’s not my typical form, it’s better than letting it sit. When I get back out, the male nurse that was here when I was the patient, comes over to me.

“Louis, how are you doing?”

“Uhm, not too well. Harry is inside now.”

“He is? I must have missed him, everything okay?”

“No. No it’s not.”

            Suddenly tears start forming at my eyes and I sit down in the waiting chair, hiding my face quickly within my hands. I don’t want him to see me crying. He sits down next to me and rubs his hand on my back. Which helped me calm down a bit.

“What happened? You know you can tell me.”

            I lift my head to talk despite the tears still falling.

“It’s this fucking teacher. I don’t understand it at all, but he’s been targeting Harry. He’s beaten him up two other times before and the last time he came on to him sexually. This time, I don’t know what happened. I saw Harry’s face and knew that something had happened, and I saw his pants down with that fucking scum doing something, but I don’t know if something was starting or ending.”

            My body is trembling. I have so much fucking anger built up. I didn’t release enough of it on that guy. That fucking fuck! I should have killed him.

“Harry never reported him to his principal?”

“The principal as well as some other teachers in the school don’t particularly like Harry. It’s all a very long story, but to make it short no. No he never reported it.”

“Where is the teacher now.”

“I beat the shit out of him and left him behind in the classroom. I’m pretty sure I broke his jaw so I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a trip to the hospital.”

“Could he be here?”

            I gasped a little.

“No. No he can’t be. Please, I pray he is not here.”

“What’s his name? I can check the system.”

“I don’t know his first name, but his last name is Marks.”

“You’re joking.”

“What?”

“I don’t have to check. I know he’s here…That’s the patient I was just seeing.”

“Are you fucking serious! Arrest his ass. Call the police and send him to jail!”

“I’ll see what I can do. Just stay here for a moment.”

            This is fucking bullshit! How did he even get here before us! What the fuck kind of shit is that! I was enraged. I wanted to run into the back and find him and kill him. I wanted tear him from limb to limb. I just don’t understand what the need is to do such terrible things! It’s bullshit! The nurse comes back over to me and sits next to me again.

“Okay Louis I have called the police here and they said they can start an investigation but without further evidence they won’t be able to arrest him. They want to talk to Harry and you and get your stories. Then they are going to talk to Mr. Marks and try to get a statement from him. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted.”

“No, I suppose that’s better than nothing.”

            I wish for once things could work out the way they are meant to. That they go right for not just me but Harry also. There’s nothing harder than facing the fact that you can’t possibly do  any more than you already have. I can’t do any more for Harry than I have with this problem and that kills me. We wait together for when the police come and the two men sent here head into Harry’s room first. I haven’t gotten a chance to see him yet and they got to before me. I’m not happy to be made waiting but I suppose I’ll stay behind and let them talk. Harry may not want to say anything in front of me or whatever so it’s probably best.

            They are in there for a while. My legs are shaking and my hands are twitching, hating having nothing to do but to sit. I don’t know what to think of other than Harry but when I think of Harry I get nervous and scared and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness and I can’t take it. Thankfully the police officers and the nurse come back out but the three of them together don’t look happy. The male nurse talks to me first as I stand up and walk over to them.

“You said that you saw something but you’re not really sure what you saw, correct?”

“Unfortunately. I mean I know for a fact I saw Mr. Marks pulling at Harry’s pants but I don’t know what happened before that. Why, is that a problem?”

            This time a police officer comes in.

“Well right now it’s Harry’s word against Marks’ and there is no evidence to help support either side. While you think you know what you saw, Marks’ lawyer will certainly argue that it can’t be certain.”

“You’ve got to be joking. So there’s nothing you can do.”

“Well the investigation is now open, but we need some sort of evidence. Believe me, after seeing what that poor boy looked like, I want nothing more than to help him out.”

            Before I could say anything else, a voice yelled out my name from across the room. Like a plane flying out of control, Ms. Cleary comes rushing through the automatic doors and over to me.

“LOUIS! LOUIS THANK GOD!”

“Ms. Cleary?”

            She then gets a glance at the officers in front of me and the nurse.

“Oh officers, even better! I have something, I have something that I want to report.”

“Ms. Cleary this really isn’t a good-”

“Shh! Yes it is the perfect time. I have been leaving a camcorder around in Mr. Marks’ room to spy on him, afraid that he has been beating up students. I saw Harry running out of his room a couple weeks back and curiosity got the better of me. I just went to the school to see if I had gotten anything good and you can’t believe what I found. I ran to the hospital hoping that you brought him here, and boy am glad to see you’ve already called the police.”

            The other officer cuts in this time.

“Mam’, what exactly are you trying to say here?”

“Every Saturday I check to see what happened during the week on the camcorder. I figured today I’d grab it right before I left the game, and what I found was astounding. I have the entire situation that occurred today on video. You need to go and arrest that man right now!”

“So you’re saying that you have Mr. Marks physically beating up Harry?”

“I do, and in fact, this week someone else fell prey to that slime ball. Here, you can watch that disgraceful man’s actions.”

“I don’t believe.”

            She hands them a CD and everyone’s mouths were dropped open. The four of looked back at one another and then at her, wondering if this was reality or some soap opera. I don’t know that I’d call this a miracle, it’s definitely weird for sure. But a good weird. I still am not happy that the incident happened at all, but a wish finally was granted. There was sufficient evidence. Harry wouldn’t have to be threatened anymore. The male nurse spoke next.

“I’m not going to lie but this has to be the weirdest situation by far that I’ve encountered. It’s like you were listening and waiting for the perfect time to come running in.”

“HA, well I was hoping I wasn’t too late because it took me some time to watch the video. Once I saw what I saw, I drove as fast as I could over here.”

“Well I don’t know how to believe it, but I guess in a matter of minutes our job is already done.”

            The officers took the video and went again into the back room and in five minutes came back out with Mr. Marks handcuffed. They walked him out and everyone watched as he gave us a smirk and then was forcefully walked out. Good riddance piece of shit. Ms. Cleary turned to me next.

“Louis, thank you for doing what you did for Harry. You saved him.”

“It’s nothing really.”

“No, it is. Not a lot of people would have done what you did.”

“Well what about you? Videoing that stuff, I mean I still don’t know that I can fully grasp my mind over the fact that that happened but you just helped Harry tremendously.”

“Like I said, I saw Harry running out there and I always had a bad feeling about that guy. After that I wanted a way to prove it. I wanted to know exactly what he was doing and I wanted a way to show it to others. I’ll admit I wasn’t prepared for what I saw at all, I thought he might be doing some harassment but that would be understatement.”

“This is all still crazy for me.”

“I’m just glad I could something for him. Help him out.”

“Why do you care so much about him by the way?”

“So it’s obvious huh? He reminds me so much of my younger brother. What he wears, how he looks, how he’s treated. From the minute I met Harry I guess I just took on the role of needing to watch out for him like I did for my brother.”

“Where is your brother now?”

“Well…he didn’t make it through high school. His demons were much larger than him and they pulled him down. I wish he could have seen that eventually everything works out, but in the end he had to do what he thought was best.”

“Makes sense now. Why you’re so sensitive about Harry.”

“As a teacher, you’re supposed to know your boundaries. That unless necessary, you can’t get involved in your students personal lives. Not that I crossed them, but I pushed them a little. I wanted Harry to know that out of everyone in the school who was ignoring him, he had one person that wasn’t. But now he has you too, and you can do so much more for him than I ever could.”

“Thank you though. For everything you did do.”

            We smiled at each other and for the first time I truly understood how Ms. Cleary must have felt, watching Harry being picked on and not being able to do anything. And seeing me getting close to Harry but fearing that in the end I’d hurt him too. I can understand that. She was about to say something next but the male nurse called out to me.

“Louis, Harry wants to see you now.”

            I turned back to look at her but she gave me a wave to go on and so I left. Ready to see Harry again.

*                *                      *                      *

“Alright Louis, take him home safely now!”

“I will. Thanks again for all your help!”

            I waved good bye to the nurse as I got into the driver side of my car and left the hospital. Last night Harry fell asleep again by the time I was finally allowed to see him. He woke up sporadically throughout the night but he was so out of it from his pain killers that we didn’t truly have a conversation. He managed to escape with some broken blood vessels, one less tooth which will be filled with a fake one next week, and tons of bruising and swelling. This morning he was up but super loopy again from the meds and so I am getting to take him home, but we still truly haven’t talked. I hope that this is at least making him feel good.

            When I get to his house I see a car parked in the driveway that I haven’t seen before, so I assume it’s Harry’s mom’s. I don’t remember if the nurse said he got in touch with her or just left her a voice message pertaining to what happened. I hope that I can just get him in there and get him to bed with no problems. I help Harry get out of the car  first, he can somewhat walk but he’s a little disoriented. So I put myself up against his right side and support him as we walk to the front door. Then I knock before walking in to seem polite.

“Harry?”

            His mom comes running down stairs and when she sees me holding Harry up, she stops, and then runs full force toward us.

“Oh my god. Oh my god.”

            She grabs Harry from me even though she didn’t need to. I talk to her first as she starts pulling on him.

“I can help him get to his room if you’d like.”

“No, that’s okay. Why don’t you just go home?”

“Ar..Are you sure?”

“Yes. Go home.”

            I back up confused and then she closes the door quickly behind me. I don’t know what the nurse said to her but she was acting so strange to me. Like it’s my fault or something. I wasn’t really planning on going back home but I don’t have anything else to do at this point. My intentions were to stay here and help Harry. I didn’t even think that his mom would be home. I get in my car and I drive back to my house. I don’t know how my parents are going to react to seeing me. I don’t know how anyone is going to react tomorrow at school either. I gave it all up for Harry.

            I park in my driveway and take a while before I decide to walk in. Just listening to music to try and calm my nerves. The only reason I even went in at all was because after a while of sitting there, I saw one of the curtains around a window move and I knew my parents saw me. I shut off the engine and walk slowly inside. This is the hardest part. The walk up to the door, awaiting what lurks on the other side. I take a couple last breaths and then I open the door and go in.

“Well look darling, our son has come home.”

            My Father starts in today. With my Mother following suite behind him.

“Well well, how do we congratulate our heroic son?”

            Congratulate?

“Excuse me? What did you say?”

            My Mother responds to me.

“Haven’t you heard, you’re the town hero. Ms. Cleary has called everyone to inform them of what you’ve done. Saving that poor boys life.”

“So…you’re not mad?”

            My Father answers me now.

“I wouldn’t say that. You did embarrass yourself and the family when you ran off the field, but I suppose it can be forgiven since you’ve made up for it by doing something good. Only this occasion will I let such disobedience go unnoticed.”

            He give me an award winning smile and a firm pat on the back, as if I had done him a favor. My parents of course were making it all about the family’s reputation, not about the fact that someone’s life was actually on the lines.

“Oh but son…”

My Father calls out to me before turning out of sight.

“Don’t let it happen again.”

He gives me a terrifying look but I turn away and  run up to my room. Once safe inside, I think over what they said. Ms. Cleary went around and told everyone what happened? But did she do this to save my name from becoming another social casualty, or did she do this to justify Harry’s actions? Maybe to make him seem like he’s truly been a victim all along. I don’t know. I don’t know if I really like either scenario and how they might play out. I don’t want to be bombarded tomorrow with people praising me, I really couldn’t do anything. And I don’t want people talking to Harry now only because they feel bad, that’s the wrong kind of attention that I’m sure he doesn’t need. Ugh!

            Either way going to school tomorrow is going to be interesting. However the students take the story that is going around, I’m sure of at least one thing. That Mr. Marks will no longer be there, and that makes me feel a bit safer for Harry. Anything else that happens I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see.

 

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

            I woke up in the morning and went down stairs to make myself a bowl of cereal. My parents weren’t up yet which is unusual for them, but I ignore it and finish eating and then head back upstairs to finish getting ready. After I shower, I realize that I haven’t talked to Harry and I don’t know if he’s coming to school or not. If he is I’m going to offer to pick him up because I don’t want him walking so far today.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Are you coming to school today? I can pick you up if you want.”

“No. Not feeling good.”

“Oh okay. Well I will try and stop by afterwards to come check on you.”

“Okay.”

“See you later xx.”

            In a way I’m glad he’s not coming because I’m sure that he’s still in pain and wants to rest. But on the other hand, I don’t know that I want to go into school alone and deal with whatever happens without Harry. I shouldn’t complain though, he needs to get better first. I finish getting dressed, throwing on jeans and a black “The Killers” t-shirt with a black beanie. I brush my teeth and I grab my backpack and I head out of the house to my car. Then I drive as slow as possible to get to school. Hoping I don’t get there too early.

*                      *                      *                      *

            Of all the things I thought were going to happen today, what I expected and what actually happened were two totally different things. I thought people were going to giving me a lot of attention and I thought I was going to get bombarded with questions or appraisals or something. Not to sound narcissistic, like what I did was the greatest thing in the world, but I just assumed that would be how everyone would react to the whole situation. What really happened was that most people ignored me. My teammates couldn’t even look me in the face, but then there were some people who would give a smile or a nod and I wasn’t sure if they were saying I did a good job or that I was fucked for eternity. My teachers all took the time before all my classes, to say what a brave student I was and it was the most annoying thing. I didn’t want that, I didn’t want it declared to me over and over again. And my classmates just rolled their eyes, finding my teachers and the story annoying.

            When school was over I was never more excited that I didn’t have soccer practice and that I could just go straight to Harry’s without any other plans. Soccer won’t be in season till the fall again and who knows what’s going to happen by that time. I’m just worried about the here and now and fall is a long ways away. I get in my car and I leave the school, heading over to Harry’s to see how he is doing. I can’t wait to see and talk to him. I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve had a true conversation. Face to face. I pull into his driveway and I get out, walking up to his front door.

_Knock. Knock._

            It brings back memories. But now Harry is my boyfriend. And even though in reality not that much time has passed, so much occurred and brought us closer together. Now I can’t imagine not having Harry in my life at all. I love him. I really do. I’ve never felt like this for anyone before and I don’t want to let this go. I hear footsteps on the other side and Harry finally comes to open the door, his face still badly bruised but healing.

“Hey, you’re looking better.”

“Thanks.”

            I go up and I give him a hug and I didn’t know if it was too pushy but he hugged me back and so I squeezed tighter. Then I let go after a couple seconds to go back to talking to him.

“How did your mom take all of the news?”

            I walk into his living room and sit on the couch as he shuts his door and follows behind me, sitting on the couch but leaving some distance between us.

“She felt bad for reacting the way that she did to you yesterday. She just wanted us to talk alone and be together for a bit. She didn’t say much. I told her about what happened and she didn’t really know how to handle it. She just sat quiet for a long time.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. You know like it’s still burning in my mind everything that happened yesterday, but all I keep trying to think about is the fact that he’s in jail now. That he’s gone.”

“Yeah Ms. Cleary really pulled out a miracle from her ass with that one. I don’t know how that just worked out like it did but I can’t be more thankful for that.”

“I know. She came to talk to me for a bit on her way to school today. She stopped by and just wanted to see how I was doing. She said that she knew something was going on but she knew that no one would believe her without some kind of proof. It was just sheer luck that she brought it to us at that time.”

“Funny how things happen like that sometimes.”

“I know. How did your parents handle everything?”

“Well they didn’t really know how to handle it. On one hand they were mad that I left the game and caused a scene and on the other they were happy that I did it for a good reason. They didn’t know what to make of it.”

“I still don’t understand why you stay there.”

“I don’t either. I talked to my cousin that lives out in San Francisco the other day actually and he said that if we wanted to come out there we are always welcome.”

“Oh really? We should keep that in mind.”

“Yeah.”

            I would love to run away with Harry. But how could we ever truly pull it off? I don’t know that in the scheme of things, it would work out. At least it’s a nice idea. Harry grabbed the remote shifted his body so that he was closer to me. After he turned the TV on, I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him next to me so that we could cuddle while watching some stupid reality show. I just love sitting with him and feeling his weight against me. We let the hours pass as I sit on the couch and before I know it it’s time for me to leave. I turn my head and I give Harry a kiss on his forehead.

“I love you Harry.”

            He smiled and I stood up and started grabbing my cellphone to leave.

“Will you be in school tomorrow?”

“Yes.

“Okay, I can come pick you up in the morning if you want.”

“Okay.”

            He followed me to the door and after I stepped out of the house, I turned around again to wave goodbye when Harry said something else.

“I love you too Louis.”

            And this time I was smiling. And my heart was pounding. And everything somehow seemed perfect.

*                      *                      *                      *

“My darling son, perfect timing. We were just thinking that we needed to talk with you.”

            My Mother walks over to me a little too happy for my own comfort. But she’s not coming at me like she’s going to attack me, this time she’s just coming towards me. To talk. Or something.

“Yes.”

            My Father answers this time as he too walks towards me from the kitchen to the front door.

“This weekend your Mother and I were invited to a baby shower on Saturday. We will be gone from Friday to Sunday so we expect you’ll be on your best behavior.”

“Fine. Anything else?”

“Not today.”

            I marched upstairs to my room after our conversation and I spent the rest of the night wondering how people are going to react to Harry tomorrow. I can handle anything that happens to me, and today wasn’t completely the worst day that’s ever happened, but if they act worse to Harry I don’t know that I will be able to keep my cool for very long. I might break and say something and cause a scene and a lot of suspicion. Not that I haven’t already. I don’t want him to feel even worse about everything than he already does and I don’t want people causing problems for him that he doesn’t even need. I don’t know. Maybe I’m worrying too much about it. I’m sure everything will be fine, regardless of what occurs.

*                      *                      *                      *

“Hey I can leave now to come pick you up.”

“You know what, I actually want to walk today. Sorry.”

“Oh okay. See you there.”

            I wonder why he wanted to walk today. I hope it’s not something to do with me. Maybe he just wanted fresh air or something…I hope that’s the case. I got to school a little late so I was only in homeroom for thirty seconds before the bell rang for first period. Harry typically makes it to class before me so I just head to history instead of trying to find him in the hallways. When I turned down the hallway to class I saw Harry up ahead and a girl reaching to tap him on his shoulder. He turns around and she gives him a piece of folded up paper and then walks away. I walk a little faster to get to Harry and ask him what that was about.

“Hey! Who was that?”

            He turns his head to the side and when he sees me he smiles and then he hands me the note after I ask about it.

“I don’t know, here, you want to look at it?”

“Oh, sure.”

             I unfold the creases and find that it is a true letter. The girl wrote a formal message to Harry. We both wait to walk into class as I decide to read the letter out loud to both myself and Harry.

“Okay, it reads as follows. Dear Harry, I know that you have gone through a lot and I know that you also don’t know who I am, but I just wanted to write to you and let you know that if you ever need someone, you can come to me. I too have been brushed to the side by others and have dealt with a lot of issues that you and I could probably relate to. Maybe this isn’t the best way to contact you but this was the only way that I felt comfortable doing. I hope that out of all of this, you at the very least take out that you’re not alone in this world. There are people, like myself, that while we are not there on the surface, we are always there when you need a hand. Sincerely, Monica.”

“Wow, that was nice.”

“Sure was. That’s really great that she went out of her way to give you this letter.”

“I know. I wonder how the rest of the day is going to go.”

“Same.”

            I handed Harry the letter back and then we turned and walked into class. He took his seat first as I followed behind and then took mine. We were still pretty early, most of the students coming in a bit after us. Nearly everyone glanced over at Harry when they walked in, a couple gave small smiles and then another person walked up to Harry, a guy this time, and said that if he needed someone he could go to him for help as well. It was nice that a lot of people weren’t overwhelming him so far with sympathy, but it was also weird with the other people that would just stare and not say anything at all. Like they didn’t really care what happened to him or they didn’t know how to talk to him.

            The rest of class went by as classes usually do. Ms. Cleary didn’t stop to say anything and when the period was over, she didn’t call either of us to stay behind so she could say something to us privately. I walked Harry to his class because I didn’t want him to walk alone, and I told him to meet me up in the parking lot at the end of the day so that I can drive him home. People weren’t bothering him like I was afraid they might, so thankfully he seemed to be doing okay being back in school. I just really want to take him because I want to kiss him and hold him and lay with him.  I don’t want to be in school anymore because I can’t show my affections and all day that’s all I’ve been wanting to do. Every time I looked over at his face in class and saw the bruises I just wanted to kiss them and make them feel better. Make him feel better.

            For the rest of the school day I tried to go out of my way so that I could pass by Harry at least once between every period. He would see me, and he would smile and for that time being I knew he was alright. When all the classes were done I raced out to the parking lot so that Harry didn’t have to wait for me, and I stood towards the front so that he could see me when he walked out of the school. He smiled again when he saw me but I knew there was something not whole about him. When he walked up to me I squeezed his hand and then we walked to my car. I couldn’t wait to be alone with him. We got into my car and I started driving, leaving the radio off so that I could listen to the sound of Harry breathing. I just wanted to know that he was alive. When I turned down into his neighborhood, my body started to pump a little stronger with excitement of going over to his house. Of being with him.

“Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“I just want you to drop me off okay? I just want to be alone.”

            Boom! A huge blow to my heart. I feel like a wrecking ball came and smashed into my chest.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“No. It’s okay.”         

            He looked at me and I know he knew I was lying. But he let me say it, and he let me be hurt. He didn’t argue this time like he always does. I pulled up into his driveway and I watched him as he unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the car door, and got out. Heading to his front door without ever looking back at me. Without ever saying goodbye. I know that he is dealing with a lot and today was probably really emotional for him, but I’m trying my best and he’s pushing me aside. I thought I was doing okay but I mean I don’t know what to say. I’m trying to do the best I can. Maybe it’s not enough anymore.

*                *                      *                      *

            Wednesday and Thursday passed by and Harry continued to not want to spend time with me. Not want to be with me. The more he ignored me the more I was falling apart and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to stop it. If he didn’t want to be with me anymore, I didn’t know how to change his mind. So I sat and let the only good thing in my life slip through my fingers, and I was scared as hell that I would never get him back.

 


	27. Chapter 27

          I woke up this morning, the last day of school for this week, and wasn’t sure that I wanted to get out of bed. My parents are leaving in an hour and I am pretty content on letting them think I went to school, and just hiding out in my room for the rest of the time they are here. But even though Harry is ignoring me, I can’t stand the thought of not seeing him. I sound pathetic. I wait a while and finally move from under my covers. I don’t shower, I don’t bother dressing nicely. I throw on gym shorts and a t-shirt and I leave the house. I don’t need to impress anyone so why does it matter how I look. At least I’m making the effort to go.

            I get to school and I walk as slowly as I can inside. Hoping the day passes me by before I even have to go in. Unfortunately, I can already tell that this day is going to be the complete opposite of that. Seconds feeling like minutes, minutes feeling like hours. It’s so amazing how sometimes, a day can fly by and suddenly you’re wondering where all the time went. And sometimes, one day can feel like it takes an entire lifetime to end. In reality time is obviously a constant. One day is never going to be more than or less than 24 hours. But regardless of that golden rule, nothing ever truly feels the same. I stop walking and look at out at the soccer fields to the right and I let these thoughts settle into me.

 Time, no matter how exact the minutes pass, never passes the same. Maybe a minute ago I was happy and now this minute I’m sad. Maybe yesterday I saw a bird that I won’t see again at the same time today. I guess that’s the weird sort of twist of fate about our lives, that we are given this set amount of time, and it’s up to us to determine how we want to spend those invaluable seconds. There’s not really some big design and manual that is instilled in us when we are born, we are the ones who decide how our lives pan out. So I guess instead of blaming the universe or he who shall not be named, or even our parents, maybe we should start blaming ourselves for letting stuff bring us down and bother us. Maybe I need to stop being upset that Harry is ignoring me, because in truth, the fact that I have even made it this far and am still relatively healthy, is a pretty big accomplishment.

            With this new perspective, I went into school a little more confidently and happily. I went to homeroom and I didn’t worry about what everyone else was doing or saying. I sat and enjoyed sitting. I observed and I enjoyed observing. When the bell rang, I was thankful that I could now go on to history and thankful that I get to see Harry, despite our current differences. I got into class before Harry did and I sat down and took out my notebook and thought that maybe I should really try and learn something today. When Harry walked in I even smiled at him though the past two days I had turned and looked the other way. He was confused but I didn’t care. I felt good.

“Louis?”

            Wow. Harry is even talking to me today. Maybe it was the smile.

“Yeah?”

            I talked to him as if everything was fine. Not that I am trying to ignore my feelings in this new perspective, but I’m trying to keep an open mind to what he might say.

“Can we talk today? After school?”

“If that’s what you would like to do then sure.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I don’t know… you seem…different.”

“Nope. Completely normal.”

“Okay. Do you want to come to my house?”

“Actually my parents are out of town till Sunday. Any interest in coming over to mine?”

“Yeah that’d be cool. I haven’t truly been inside your house yet.”

“Okay, meet me in the parking lot after school then.”

“Alright.”

            He turned back to doodling in his notebook while I turned to Ms. Cleary’s lesson. Today she was talking about how our past shapes the way we go about our future. And how that can be applied to not only history, but to our own personal lives.  This might actually be the first lesson from her class that I’ve truly listened too and enjoyed. Never would have thought that that would ever happen. But it’s true. I’m going to do things in my future based on how I handle situations in my past. Harry and I seem to argue a lot or ignore each other when one of us doesn’t want to talk about something. Or we are trying to hide how we feel. Maybe he wasn’t ignoring me because he was mad at me, maybe he just didn’t know how to let me in. And maybe I shouldn’t be mad at him, for trying to figure out what he’s feeling.

            When class was over we walked together down the hallways and I reached out and brushed my hand against his, but we didn’t talk. He smiled at me and that was it, but it was better than nothing. I went through the rest of my classes in this sort of daze of trying to understand everything in a new light. I found myself enjoying my lectures because I kept applying them to my situations now. Not that I think every lecture is going to be like that and maybe it’s some dumb luck that today all my teachers felt like being part time therapists but whatever it was it was working. I was feeling better, about everything. I waited for Harry outside in the parking lot when school was done and I took a couple deep breaths. I wanted to be relaxed, there is nothing to be nervous about. And I want to let go of all other problems because my time right at this moment is devoted to Harry. And him alone. When I saw him walking up towards me I smiled and waved and I waited to talk until he was directly next to me, starting to walk alongside me as we head to my car.

“So…how were your classes today?”

“Well, they were alright.”

“That’s good.”

“How about yours? Were they boring?”

“No, surprisingly today they weren’t. I actually paid attention for once.”

“Wow. So unlike you.”

“I know.”

            We smiled and laughed just a slight bit but things were still a little tense. We reached my car and got in, and right as I buckled my seat belt Harry started talking again.

“Louis, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. I want to get that out of the way before we even get to your house because I don’t want to go over to your house, and have us still fighting.”

“Look, I’m sorry for taking it so poorly. I should have understood what you were going through and it’s not fair of me to have been giving you any attitude about it.”

“It’s okay.”

“How are you feeling? Or what were you thinking about the past couple days?”

“Well…like when you came over that time, we were  cuddling and you kissed me but honestly all I could feel was him. When you were next to me…I felt him on me. And I was having a really hard time with it but I didn’t want you to know. So when you asked to come over again, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fake it again and pretend that I liked you doing whatever you wanted to do. I was afraid you’d try something and I’d start crying or yelling or something and that’s not fair to you. But I can’t get him out of my head. All I see are his eyes watching me and I think I’m going insane.”

“Harry, you can’t let him get to you! He’s gone. Out of the picture now. Don’t let him ruin anymore of your life than he already has. You have me now, and I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I won’t invade your space, I won’t touch you, I won’t do anything unless you give me the go. Is that okay?’

“I… I want to think it is, but I just don’t know.”

“Harry…I love you. Don’t you love me?”

“Yes!”

“Then trust me. Trust me that we can make it through this. Trust me that if I kiss you or hold you or hug you that you won’t feel anything but my lips and my arms and my hands. If you don’t believe in that then nothing will work.”

“You don’t understand.”

“What do you mean?”

“I still feel him there. Everywhere. I feel violated and I am completely alone. I don’t think I can do anything with you. I don’t think I can hold you or kiss you.”

“How do you feel alone when I’m sitting right beside you?”

“I don’t know.”

“What are you saying Harry spit it out.”

“It’s nothing. Let’s just go to your house. I’m just worrying about things that I don’t need to worry about. Sorry.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

            I felt like I was stuck inside a maze of Harry’s emotions. I didn’t know where the start or end was and I didn’t know if I’d ever make it out. Just running into one dead end after another and not getting any further along. I put my car into drive and we headed to my house. I wasn’t sure if this was a good idea anymore because my intentions were to kiss him and be with him, as his boyfriend. And right now I feel like he just wants me as a friend…if that. But we get out of my car and we head inside my house, pretending that everything’s okay between us.

“Wow, Louis your house is really nice. Like I can truly admire it this time around.”

“Yeah doesn’t it look nicer without a limp bloody body in the middle of the room?”

            He smirked but we still couldn’t laugh without feeling weird. I showed him around the main level and then we headed upstairs to my room. Even though my parents aren’t home I still can’t help feeling like I’m going to get caught or in trouble for something. That they are still lurking around every corner.

“So, do you care if we watch TV together in my bed or is that too much too soon?”

            He looks at my bed and I can already see this flash of fear, as if the sheets were ablaze with fire.

“Uhmm…”

“It’s okay. I can already tell you don’t want to. Okay well do you care at all that we are in my room?”

“No I’m okay being in here.”

            I step closer to him, testing where his boundaries lie.

“Do you care if I stand this close to you?”

“No.”

“How about now?”

            I get right up next to his face. I can feel him breathing, my body shudders with wanting him but I try to retain myself. He shakes a little but I don’t think it’s the same reaction.

“This is close.”

“Don’t you like it?”

            He gulps and I scream inside. Why do I have to be so attracted to him? Why does this have to be so hard to keep myself from wanting to fuck his brains out?

“Louis.”

“Shh.”

            I put my hand to his face and use my thumb to touch across his lips. Wanting so badly to suck his lip ring. He doesn’t say anything so I move my thumb off his lips, but keep my hand holding his face, then I inch forward and I kiss him ever so lightly on his soft mouth. I pull away just a slight bit and then I let my lips linger as close as I can get without touching him. Then I pull fully away and look at him.

“Harry is this too close?”

            His eyes were focused on the floor but then he looks up at me and I can’t decipher his expression. I can’t tell if he’s sad, in pain, wanting more, nothing. It’s not that there’s no expression because there is, but I just don’t know what it means.

“No.”

            I wait a second, and then I lean in again and this time he meets me halfway to kiss me to. Our lips meet and I kiss him so much more passionately then I did before. I kiss him for all the time I’ve missed out on doing so, I kiss him to show him that no matter what, I love him, and I kiss him to show him that to me, he’s beautiful. I want every inch, every piece, every strand of Harry. And I want him to know that.

            We move from where we were standing to my bed and I don’t make an effort to move to the next stage. I’m perfectly content with just kissing and I don’t want to push him too far in one day. But we fall back and lie down on the bed and are kissing each other as we are side to side. Harry kisses me hard and suddenly there’s something off about the way he’s kissing me. Like it’s too rough, it’s too forceful. I try to keep kissing him but then I pull back after he bites my lip too hard and it starts to bleed.

“Ouch! What the hell!”

“Sorry.”

            We sit up again in the bed.

“What’s wrong?”

“I… I can’t do it. I can’t kiss you and have it be only you.”

            He stood up abruptly like he was going to run out but I grabbed his hand and reeled him back. Then I stood up off my bed too while still having a grip on his hand.

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t be here right now. I want to go home.”

“Harry, we should talk about this.”

“No! I’m done trying for the day. I told you how I feel. Stop pushing me!”

“Harry! Please, I’m not trying to push you. I’m trying to help you. I want you to realize that there’s only me right now, no one else.”

“I can’t Louis. I just can’t. You don’t get it!”

“No! You don’t get it! I fell in love with you, you convinced me that I shouldn’t worry about anything but the fact that I love you and I want to be with you, and I asked you to be my boyfriend. And I know I was busy but you’re not just going to turn on your own words and let something or someone ruin a good thing. You’re not just going to walk out on me!”

            He rips his hand from my grip and starts running for the door.

“Harry if you leave then that it’s. It’s over.”

He stopped. He turned to look at me but he didn’t say anything. Then he turned his head back forward and walked out. When I heard my front door shut, my body broke down and I fell to the floor. I don’t know how long it took until I could start forming thoughts again. When he left, I instantly fell into the darkest corner of my mind.  I could only think of one thing, and that was releasing the pain. At some point in the middle of the night I crawled my way into the bathroom, and I reminded myself of the kind of person I really am. Worthless.

 


	28. Chapter 28

          The rest of the weekend I barely ate. I didn’t feel hungry, I didn’t feel thirsty. I put my phone under my bed so that I couldn’t stare at it for hours, waiting for a message I knew wasn’t going to come. When my parents came home on Sunday they told me that I exceeded their expectations and that they were surprised I knew how to follow orders. I didn’t get hit, or punished for anything, but I felt like they were still planning something. Like they couldn’t handle not beating my life out of me. I stayed in my room all of Sunday night, I laid in my bed in the dark, and I tried to hide away from everything, even myself.

*                *                      *                      *

“Louis? Come down here please.”

            My Mother called me downstairs before it was time for me to go to school. Not that I wanted to but I had to at least look like I was going. I followed her instructions and made my way down the stairs.

“Yes?””

“Your Father and I have found something that we would like to talk to you about.”

“Where is he?”

            My Father came in on cue right behind me through the nice front living room that no one steps into. He was holding a video recorder in his hand. Then he spoke out next to me.

“This weekend was truly a test you see. We wanted to know for sure if you would disobey us and not to our surprise, you did. However, it seems that you and your “friend” decided to end whatever it is that you two were doing. So we’ve decided to take this golden opportunity to transfer you to a catholic boarding school.”

“What?”

            My Mother chimed in next.

“Yes! It has a wonderful soccer program and it’s all the way out in Colorado!”

            My Father spoke again without letting me say a word.

“And thankfully they are very kind and are letting you start this upcoming Friday! We’ve already made all the arrangements.”

            He pulled out from his back pocket a one way ticket to Denver and handed it to me.

“You couldn’t have waited until this year was over?”

“Truthfully, your Mother and I don’t want to take care of you anymore. We cannot handle the constant disobedience and disappointments. So we’re paying someone else to do the disciplining for us. They are going straighten you up. And hopefully when you are all done, you will finally be something worth being proud of.”

            As if my whole life hadn’t just ended when Harry left me behind, but now once again I have to leave. I’m surprised they are even giving me the week to get my stuff together but still. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave. Harry and I might make up and work things out and now we won’t get the chance. I hate to say it but this hurts more than any form of physical abuse. I let them get into not only my head but my heart. Now I have to give it all away. What will even be left of me?

*                *                      *                      *

            I didn’t want to go to school. But I wanted to see Harry. I wanted to spend the time that I had left, admiring him as much as I could. I shouldn’t have said the words that I did. I shouldn’t have even put him in such a predicament. But now I don’t have choice. Even if I told him I’m sorry and I love him, I still can’t be with him. When I made it to school and finally got to first period, I sat in my seat, waiting for Harry to walk into the door. I half expected him to not show up honestly, but then he came in, in tight skinny jeans, a white graphic muscle shirt, his grey beanie and of course, his black eye liner. I wanted to cry he was so beautiful. To think I actually had him, and I lost him. I was glad that at least the last images I’ll have of him are him being his true self.

            He sat next to me in class, but he didn’t look at me at all. I watched him the entire period, fidgeting with the ends of his curly hair, doodling in his notebook words and drawings, and looking everywhere but at me. All I wanted was just one look, one smile, one kiss, but all I got was nothing. I had all this love to give him, and I never got the chance. I never got the chance to show him how good I knew our relationship was going to be. I never got the chance to take him out or spoil him and do all the things that I always imagined I would. I know that everything just sucked and there were so many other forces pulling us away but I know we are meant to be together. I know that he’s the one.

When I look at him, when I touch him, there’s something inside me that goes off. There’s something in my head that tells me that this is the best it’s going to get and if that’s the case then I’m glad that it was with Harry. I’m glad Harry is the one that I fell in love with and will only ever be in love with. This is the end of the road for me as far as relationships go and honestly it’s because I gave all my love to him, whether he knows it or not. He’s the only one I want to have my heart.

Class ended and I tried to go up to him and talk to him, but I got too scared. What could I say? When I went home I started to take out bins and boxes from the attic, and I began packing up my room. At one point I found my plane ticket and laid it out on my desk, and for the rest of the night I stared at the ink, hoping that the date would change, or the name would change. I searched for even the slightest error that could mean the ticket was void. But it was perfect and in perfect condition.

*                      *                      *                      *

            This was one of those weeks where I truly wished time would stop. Tuesday went by exactly as Monday did. I went to school, stared at Harry, and went back home to pack. Wednesday I smiled at Harry but he ignored it and me, and nothing more came out of that day either. Today, Thursday, I went to school and he wasn’t even there. Maybe if he knew I was leaving, he wouldn’t waste the time we have left. Or maybe he’d say his goodbye early and not care that I was going at all.

            I finished packing after dinner and then afterwards I didn’t have anything else to do so I decided that I should take this time and maybe write Harry some parting words. I guess I can’t leave unless I get some kind of closure. I pull out a piece of notebook paper and I get a pen and I lay it on my desk, trying to find the right words to say. I stare at the blank page for hours and when exhaustion finally hits and my emotions of leaving soon settle in, I finally start to have something to say. I write, and I write something that I know he’ll understand.

            Eager to get the letter to him, I get in my car and drive to his house. Despite it being two a.m. I make my way over and then pull into the driveway. I get out of my car and leave the letter at his front door and then I get back in my car and drive away quickly. Hoping no one heard or saw me. I won’t be in school tomorrow, so he if he gets it in the morning, he won’t be able to see me and talk to me about it. I’m leaving at one with my parents to drive the hour to the airport. In a weird way I’m glad I got to see his house one last time.

*                *                      *                      *

I couldn’t sleep all night. The hours kept passing and I spent my time trying to figure out how I could make them stop. But dawn crept up on me and the sun brightened the sky and before I knew it was already today. My last day. I stare up at my ceiling wondering why this is the way everything has to end. Why did my life have to turn down this road? Why did I even meet Harry at all if I couldn’t keep him forever? Emotions start rushing throughout every inch of my body and my skin tingles and my eyes feel like they want to cry but I won’t let them.  I don’t want to admit just how much this hurts.

When I finally did get out from under my covers, I went downstairs to find that my stuff was already packed away into the car. Which means that I have nothing but time left at this point. I decide to go take a shower, brush my teeth and make breakfast, but I can’t stomach anything no matter how hard I try. Afterwards, I sit on the floor of my bathroom, contemplating dramatic options over flying to Colorado. Regardless of my options, I don’t have one that leaves me with Harry; and so none of them in the end matter at all. Whether I’m dead or deported, I’m still alone.

“Louis!? Are you ready?”

            My Father calls up to me and everything that I was feeling starts to weigh even heavier on me. My shoulders and chest feel like 100 lbs. bags have been attached to them and I can barely walk with all this weight. But unfortunately, this is it. This is the end. I grab my jacket and I walk out of my room and close the door. Then I head downstairs and follow him out to the car.

“Oh my sweet Louis, I think this is going to be the best decision you’ve made.”

            My Mother gives me a hug and I am drowned with the scent of alcohol. She’s drunk...no surprise. She lets go and I sit in the passenger seat of the car, waiting for my Father to say goodbye to my Mom and get into the drivers’ side. When he gets in we both buckle our seatbelts, and then I let out a deep sigh when he starts the engine. My Father looks at me and then he talks, giving his words of wisdom.

“This is for your own good.”

             His words ring loudly in my head, but I don’t say anything. He’ll never understand. Have you ever met that person that changed your life, for better or for worse? And no matter what you tried to do to keep away from them, you could not control the magnetic energy keeping you two attracted to one another? I didn’t believe that stuff was true. That people could just come into your lives and suddenly there were rainbows and butterflies…and happiness. But I hadn’t met him yet. I didn’t know that someone like him could exist, and therefore I couldn’t believe that love could exist.

Not that there’s always only one person you will love for the rest of your life, but there’s always that one person that you’ll remember in a way you won’t remember anyone else. There’s always that one person that sticks out amongst everything else in the back of your mind, and even after they are no longer in your life, you can’t push them deep enough inside your mind to keep you from remembering them. There’s always that one person that you loved with everything you could possibly find, and when it was over, you lost all that you were because without them you realized you were nothing. That’s what he is to me. He’s like a piece of paper sticking out above the rest, and I can’t push him back into the locked up folder of my mind. But he’s gone now, and therefore so am I.

“Alright Louis, here we go.”

            My Father pulls me from my thoughts as he starts to reverse the car out of the driveway. Seconds left before anything still standing inside me will break down. Five, four, three, two…

“Wait!”

            He slams on the breaks at the edge of the driveway.

“What?”

“I forgot the plane ticket.”

“Goddammit Louis, hurry up!”

            I run inside and go up to my room and reach for the ticket waiting patiently on my desk. Once it’s in my hands, my fate will be sealed.


	29. Chapter 29

** Harry: **

            This is my last chance! This is the only shot that I have at getting him back! I can’t believe I even am cutting it this close, I’m such an idiot. I shouldn’t have waited! I run out to the car that’s waiting in my driveway and get into the passenger seat of Ms. Cleary’s van.

“You have to go now or we’re going to miss him!”

“On it!”          

            She steps on the gas pedal and swings her car in reverse out of my driveway. Instantly we are racing down streets, trying to make it to Louis’ house. I hope we aren’t too late. I hope this works. I need him. I want him. I can’t let him go. What was I thinking?! If I don’t make it to him I don’t know what I’ll fucking do. Fuck! Ms. Cleary drives through his neighborhood and then makes a turn and speeds down his street. When we come towards his house we see his Father waiting in the car in the driveway. Shit.

“Okay, don’t pull into his driveway. Pull up in front of the neighbor’s house and we’ll try and make it look like we are going there. I’m going to walk onto their yard, cut through the trees, and get over to Louis’ bedroom. Please wait for me to come back no matter what!”

“Absolutely! Go get him!”

            I walk casually on Louis’ neighbors’ yard, trying to not draw any suspicious attention towards myself. Once I get further down and the trees from the backyards start to form, I change my direction to the right and cross through them, coming out directly in front of the ladder leading up to Louis’ window. Perfect. Now let’s pray that he is actually in there. I race up the steps, my hands sweating, my muscles shaking, and my heart on the edge of breaking. If this doesn’t work, it’s done. It’s over. I’ll lose him for forever. I make it to the top and burst through his window without even looking inside first, but I miscalculate my steps and stumble into someone on my way in.

“Ah!”

            Our bodies slamming into each other.

“Harry?”

            Well thank god I fell into Louis.

“Louis!”

“What are you doing here?”

            I looked down on the floor and saw the plane ticket by my feet. Instantly I dropped down and grabbed it and held it in my hands.

“I’m here to stop this from happening.”

            I wave the ticket in front of his face.

“How’d you know?”

“Doesn’t matter. Why are you leaving?”

“Do I really need to even tell you? You already know.”

            His parents. Everything is always ruined because of his parents.

“Well don’t go.”

“I can’t.”

“Louis, listen to me. I’m not talking about some runaway dream. I’m serious. Leave with me. Don’t go. Climb out this window with me and be with me and let’s go to San Francisco.”

“How could we even…”

“Ms. Cleary is waiting for you, for us, to come back to her car so that she can take us to Cali.”

            He looked outside his window and saw her sitting in her car. His mouth dropped slightly open, but is it good enough?

“You’re serious? Like really really serious?”

            I step close to him and I grab his hands in my hands.

“Louis, I want to be with you. You’re all that I have that’s good and I am not letting you leave, not without a fight. So please, right now, I need you to tell me. Is it San Francisco with me, or is it Colorado with them?”

            Right at that moment, we could both hear the front door from downstairs open and Louis’ Father walking in. Then he calls up from the main floor.

“Louis! What’s taking you so long?”

            Louis had turned his attention to his bedroom door, looking out beyond it to his life with his parents. Then he turned his eyes back to me.

“Harry…”

            His Father yells again.

“Louis!”

“Please Louis. I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too.”

“Then come.”

“I…”

“Come!”

            Louis’ Father’s footsteps could be heard coming up the stairs. Time was disappearing, his decision needed to be made now. I stare at him, feeling my body slowly falter the longer I wait to know my fate. And then finally, he answers. Louis starts shaking his head yes, slowly at first and then faster.

“Yes. Yes, let’s go.”

            I rip the ticket to shreds and let the pieces fall on to the ground, and I grab Louis and help him out of his window and down the ladder. Once on the ground we grab on to each other’s hands and we run towards Ms. Cleary’s car, towards our new lives, towards a chance for us. And neither of us looked back.


	30. Chapter 30

_“Hi Mom. I don’t really know how to say this over text, but I’ve made some decisions. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to do what’s best for me. If you still want me in your life then know I’ll call you tomorrow morning. If you don’t answer the phone I understand.”_

            The first hour of the car ride Louis didn’t say much, just staring out the window, watching the world passing by. But the entire time he held on to my hand, and that was the little reassurance I needed to know that he was happy with his decision. After the first hour, Louis cuddled up next to me and fell asleep. I didn’t move at all, too afraid to wake him up from his nap. Three hours into the car ride, he woke up, and finally he started to talk to me.

“So…tell me… how did you plan all of this?”

“Well, the other day after you smiled at me in school, I think it was Wednesday, I snuck over to your house. I climbed the ladder like I did today and I was going to sneak into your room, but then I saw you sitting on the floor packing. I was confused so I was looking around at everything trying to understand it and then I saw the plane ticket on your desk and so I ran back home and I didn’t go to school the next day. Ms. Cleary stopped over to see if everything was okay that afternoon and so I told her what happened. She had mentioned that if there was anything she could do to help she would. So this morning when I got the letter, I called her immediately and told her what I had in mind. She called the principal and told him that she had a death in the family that she needed to leave immediately for and I got some stuff together and we came to get you. Not as thought out as I would have liked it but it seemed to work out just fine.”

“Why didn’t you just ask me?”

“Because I thought you were leaving because you didn’t want to be with me. After you said it was over, I took you moving as your way of saying that you didn’t want to see me again. It wasn’t until this morning that I got the letter that I realized it probably wasn’t like that at all.”

“Yeah it wasn’t…oh, so Ms. Cleary?”

“Yes?”

            She replies to him from the front seat.

“Thank you, you know for everything.”

“No problem! And don’t worry, I won’t impose too much! I’m just gonna drive you boys there, help you find a place to settle into and then I’ll be off. But you have to keep me posted, and expect me coming for visits!”

            We both laughed at how excited she was sounding about it all. Making us starting to feel excited too. Louis replies back to her with a smile on his face.

“Yes, I think that’s a deal ha ha. And I can call my cousin that lives there, I’m sure he’ll be fine with letting us spend some time with him.”

            Now my turn to talk to him again.

“Oh Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“I made you something.”

            I pulled out from my pocket a CD that I made for him in the morning. I only had time to record one song for him, but it’s the only song right now that matters. I hand the disk over to him.

“You made me a CD?”

“More like I recorded a song. You should listen to it.”

            I pulled out my antic walk-man and I put the CD into it and the headphones on Louis’ head. When he pressed play, I already knew the words that were swimming through his ears. ‘Now you were standing there, right in front of me. I hold on, it's getting harder to breathe. All of a sudden these lights are blinding me. I never noticed how bright they would be. I saw in the corner there is a photograph. No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you. It lies there alone in its bed of broken glass. This bed was never made for two. I'll keep my eyes wide open. I'll keep my arms wide open. Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me go. 'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone.’

            He looked up at me with his eyes watery.

“You’re singing the song I wrote you!”

“Ha, yeah I was surprised I have to admit when I realized the letter you left me were song lyrics. But they were perfect. And so I thought I’d record myself singing them for you. I finally made you a song.”

            A single tear falls from his eyes and I lift my hand and wipe it from his face. He then keeps the headphones on his ears, leans up against my shoulder, and closes his eyes as he listens to the rest of the song. There are a lot of things I’m not sure of, that’s true. I’m young and dumb and still naïve in a lot of ways. But when I’m with Louis I feel like I can conquer the world. When I opened the letter and saw the words that he wrote and read his handwriting saying “don’t let me go,” all I could think about was getting him back. I am nothing without him. I know that this next part is going to be hard for us, starting our lives over, building up from nothing, but I also know that being with Louis is the best choice I’ll ever make.

“Harry?”

            Louis whispers to me.

“Mhmm?”

“I don’t think I’m broken anymore.”

            He smiles and I kiss him on his forehead, and then I lean my head against him and take in everything about him. His smell, the way he feels, the way he looks. I pay close attention to him and I realize he’s right. He’s not broken anymore.


	31. Chapter 31

   Hey guys! Well...that's the end of the story! I have more ideas underway and hopefully will be posting them as soon as I can, but in the mean time it would mean so much to me if you guys could recommend this story to others! Especially if you liked it! Haha. I enjoyed writing this story and I LOVED all your comments and support! You don't know how much everything honestly means to me! So thank you guys for reading and taking your time out to keep up with "Broken." 


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